So its done...wrote the deposit check last night...my husband and I are going to Ireland and London in October. October 21-26 to be exact. Ironically it is billed as an Ireland Pub Tour. My friend's partner, she's AA, he's not, goes on this every other year and this year his roommate dropped out and C decided she wanted to go...but was anxious about the pub factor. I suggested to her that while everyone was in pubs, she could be shopping, visiting churches, checking out AA meetings, etc. then in the converstation said I'd love to do something like that...and my husband could do the pubs with her partner....now its a date. I have no idea how we'll pay for it, but I figure if I'm throwing 10's of thousands at colleges (my son begins in Sept, my daugher will be a junior) then I can throw a couple my way. At this point its all monopoly money now. Actually the trip is very reasonable..no more than I've spent on a summer rental...which we will do without this year.
We start in Cork City, Ireland. Do some siteseeing there and our trip happens to be at the same time as the Cork City Jazz Festival so we'll get to enjoy that for anight. Irish and Jazz, who'd a thunk it? Then we go London...hear that you Brits out there?!....the trip culminates is seeing our beloved New England Patriots play American football in Wembley stadium but we'll have a few days to tour as well. The trip is only 2 days Ireland and 3 London and I'm not going to plan at all because its a motor coach trip so things will be planned out..there will be 30 of us...and it will be a nice introduction and there is free time so I hope maybe to get some AA in and I do believe I have some guides for that!!
My husband is full of fear. He does not like to fly and he does not like being out of control. This trip requires flying and it is already planned. We're just another bozo on the bus. We had a huge fight yesterday morning, not about the trip though I think the fear surrounding it probably caused it. We were supposed to be taking a pleasant walk...and instead he's was very concerned with whether I was keeping in step with him....I was going to fast, I was going to slow, I wasn't talking enough, it was extremely hard to deal with. He likes to "reprimand" me on the street too....real nice. I won't be walking with him again anytime soon. I did end of saying to him that if he didn't get help, in perhaps the form of Al Anon we were not going to make it. Of course this was through tears....but maybe he'll get the message. We let it go to get togehter with these friends last night to discuss the trip and his fear was a topic of discussion. My friend promised to comfort him so that made him feel better. I suggested therapy....and maybe the fear of flying with be the just the push to get my husband through the door to ask for help. He seemed more receptive..without it..I'm not sure where we are going. I stopped seeing my therapist because as she put it, our sessions always end if only B would do couples therapy....so..there seemed no point in my continuing alone.
Anyway..that's where we're going....
8 comments:
Oh...Kathy Lynn, I'm so happy for you (the planned trip) and sad at the same time (that you're not entirely, and happily OK with your chosen mate).
He probably loves you SO much. Maybe he is a codependent, and afraid that you are growing away from him--as you very well might!
OTOH, you sound like your head is in the right place, I'm sure you work under adult supervision (sponsor), and that IS the best source now...for your peace of mind--especially since you're not in counseling. How wonderful to know a therapist who will let you go because you cannot proceed without dual participation.
And yes, Alanon would be the answer my wife would give you, for him certainly-maybe for you (if it a good Alanon group! I had to throw that in!)
God bless you. Don't drink, NMW (No Matter What!) and be sure, BE SURE to take a laptop with you next October. OK? Promise?
Kathy Lynne Girl! I have been worried about you..but no longer. What great experiences you write about since your return to us from your adventures. A word about spouse: I have the same defect of walking either too fast or too slow with my chosen love. It finally got to the point that he stated: "I just need you close." I had never thought of his needs or that he would actually deem that important. When these tough, dedicated, strong guys end up with girls like us who find their strong, dedicated voices without the bottle, well, the whole thing make them nervous we are running away from them and not to them. When I stopped trying to change him and gave more credence to his base fear (he almost lost me to booze, now he felt he was losing me to the new world I had found) then the doing and the sharing of his fear was for him less scary. He was afraid, first and foremost, that if he showed his fear or vulnerability that my newfound self would think him weak and unacceptable. He had been the strong one for so long he didn't know what to do about me sober. Over time we have smoothed that out and now we walk hand in hand. Keeps us close. It is so amazing this little connection of 10 intertwined digits. Be patient. I know you love him. Else you would not have the passion for him to change that you do. Nor the passion for his life that you do. Hugs and Kisses, so glad you are back. Loved the snoring guy too!
Kathy,
I love how your posts are not sticky sweet. They are based in reality and show a range of emotions.
Your tour sounds like a wonderful growing experience for all. It's great you are committing to yourself. Sometimes we forget to do that and it can make us resentful.
I also think it takes as much courage for you to do a pub crawl as it takes for your husband to get on a plane. Peace be with you both.
:D Chris
some of hubby & i's fights used to be on walks for some reason. he would walk ahead, and yell at dog, i'd get aggravated, sulk up, he'd say 'what's wrong', me - passive aggressive.. yada yada. i really related to the 'reprimand' thing. i always felt i was getting 'in trouble'.. maybe it's their way of getting back (not that they really HAD it) perceived 'control'. now that the trip has him worried and feeling fear - the need to feel in 'charge' and in control may come out in other ways. totally guessing - but that's what came to mind.
i'm so happy for you and this trip. sounds really wonderful. maybe you'll get to see Irish friend & sarah and michael. that'd be so fun. i look forward to hearing about it.!!
don't be a strannger if you come to London!
When the ability to regulate feelings naturally is not well-developed, people tend to seek to control things - maybe everything - to gain a feeling of security. Or, they "distance" themselves from people or situations to maintain emotional safety.
I work with people on fear of flying, and have done so for twenty-nine years. There is a lot of free info on fear of flying at www.fearofflying.com/wordpress/ but I'm also going to point out that when a person wants to be in control, agreeing to go to therapy may not sound good, as to do so involves some giving up control.
What fun! I think this sounds like a wonderful opportunity and you've got a great plan.
Kathy,
We married men who ride motorcyles who more than likely hide their feelings, who in turn married alcholics. They were the protectors then we put down the bottle and changed the rules. FEAR
I have to say I am fortunate that my husband and I have been in couples counseling for 5 months and it has been a true eye open for both of us. He was afraid of the ever changing me....I was not being very considerate of his fear. We both constantly struggled for control of the relationship, all the while stepping over each others feelings. FEAR
If he doesn't want to go to Alanon will he go to an open AA meeting? My husband won't go to Alanon but he has gone to an AA meeting and when he went a little of his fear eased.
I'm glad you are back blogging I missed you. Got your email about Cheryl Richardson. I would love to know when she is speaking.
Love ya,
Maura
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