I had a great conversation with a friend last night. We are very different. She has clear boundries and her difficulties come in defending them. I have difficulties erecting them and then feel overstretched. violated or rejected. But I'm getting better....for instance...
When my brother and I were talking before his visit at Easter..he asked that I get his kids the candy for their Easter baskets. I said no, that's where I have to put up a boundry and I literally said boundry. He got it.
A newly sober guy from the meeting shared how he wanted to visit his son but was afraid if he took the train he wouldn't get there. I was ready to skip work for the day and offer to take him. I didn't.
Another guy has been given notice that he must leave the sober house he's in cause the landlord is going in a different direction. He has to move in with his active mother. I really would love to offer him my daughter's room while she's at school. I didn't.
Basically, concerning the last 2, I am getting much better at understanding that my presence at a meeting is enough....that it is not my responsibility to reach out to EVERY single struggling person I see and hear....I do what I can and leave the rest to prayer and that is good enough.
The good enough part probably comes from the punishment/beatings I received as a child...so I continue to feel that I don't deserve the good things yet continue to strive to be good, to avoid punishment now in the form of approval/disapproval.
My boundries do not have to be as clear and firm as my friend's but the understanding that I need them..and can gently erect them....is a huge step for me.
8 comments:
Beautiful post. I can relate to all of it. Thanks for sharing your journey....and yes, your steps toward wholeness are most definitely *good enough*.
Here I go, out on that limb again Tweet-tweet!
It strikes me, kathy-Lynn that it is possible there is a girl that needs a ride somewhere...and a girl who needs a room until your daughter returns from school.
Or...do you just go to men's meetings -grin! Oh, I'm sorry I said that--it was NOT fair. I would GREATLY hate for you to delete me from your blogroll because of what I just wrote. (Too much coffee is my excuse.)
As you and I know, girls should stick with girls! And the reason I know this is because "I KNOW IT!"
OK? OK! I hope we're still speaking after this comment...you might consider "rejecting"...I would not be hurt at all, Kathy-L!
It has taken me a couple of years to understand that a boundary doesn't mean rejection or violation or unkindness. The emotional turmoil that I would get into when I was told No really was painful. I'm glad that I have a better understanding and respect for boundaries now.
Good for you Kathy Lynne.
I remember when I first started identifying when I needed to set a boundary, believing I had the right to do so, actually doing it, and then sticking to it. All kind of frightening, but with practice and repetition it has gotten easier.
I am so grateful for this growth and I know you are too.
PG
I love hearing about boundaries. The people at my wonderful Sat CoDA mtg have taught me by example to ask (after a mtg)if they can comment on something I have said. I really like that, it gives me a second to realize that what they are about to say is about them, not really about me although I might have been a catalyst for something. I'm trying to practice this with my son, one succesful attempt so far! Thanks for the post, Carol
Kathy-Lynne, I fully understand now what we're talking about here, and that--as so often with me, too--an example is just that.
Thanks for setting me straight--I mean that in a really nice way. I find it so difficult to have a conversation using 'comments', but I suppose if yer gonna blog, that's the nature of blogging. If I wanna 'talk' I should use an IM...so that's that.
Anyway, today, thanks to you, I searched me, only to find that I come up really SHORT on boundary-setting. (This is a sort of confession, Kathy-Lynne). In a Blong time at AA meetings (years!) I had never heard the term, and although it is self-explainable, I just never figured it was for ME -grin! I was WRONG--not the first time. And so, bottom line is I owe you an apology, and I want also to thank you, (DAMMMIT, this would be so much easier in an Email instead of a public 'comment'). Oh well, I have found we all have very few secrets on these blogs...if ANY!
Peace!
to me, setting boundaries is a learned thing.. if we didn't get to see it mirrored in a parent or friend, how do we know how to do it skillfully? takes practice i suppose to become comfortable. sometimes i say NO too often and then i can 'tip' to too many YESes. so it requires some discernment too. but yeah, i've got the books but not the practice! life will provide the practice part for sure.
you doin just fine from what i can tell !!
have a great weekend :)
This post is great it is what comes from self acceptance also is the ability to know what you are capable oof and what you cannot give in a reasonable manner. You are amazing and I thank you for this post and reminder.
Love,
G
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