Our morning meeting meets in a really nice space. We have cushy chairs, usually artwork to look at, windows to look out of and the church also has a bookstore/giftshop that we can browse. The two rooms are connected by an open doorway. Amazing that they let a bunch of drunks even meet here. I attend this church and have volunteered in their bookshop as servicework and when present I can let people buy stuff after the meeting should they want something. It usually doesn't happen but when it does, its good for the church and good for the meeting. So yesterday someone wanted to buy something so I was in the bookshop after the meeting, and I was talkiing to someone else...and I saw someone from the group put a bracelet in her pocket. And I froze. Not anything expensive..its $3.98...but geez....I did ask her if she wanted to buy something but I did not go so far as to say, how about that thing in your pocket. This person has been sober for over 2 years....a rough girl....but she espouses her recovery yet she has been known to nod off in meetings. Let's just say its been an issue. Last week someone simply asked her if she was okay...and she railed at them for accusing her of drinking. It wasn't fear that stopped me from confronting her, I don't think. Well, yes it probably was. But not of her specifically, just rocking the boat. Being "the one" to do it. I don't want to be "the one". So my first gut reaction was to do nothing.
I sat with it all day and it didn't sit well. Our group has this beautiful space and someone is threatening it and not honoring it. How amazing that the church has trusted a group of people so often not trusted. To just let it go, is to do the same thing. And as a chairperson of the group on Mondays and a volunteer of the bookshop, I place myself at an even higher standard. But then again, I don't want to create conflict. I know that she is acting out her disease. But to ignore it is not helping her either. I'm going to have to say something..but I will start with her. I will give her the opportunity to return it before bringing it to anyone's attention. I don't know if that's enough. But its a beginning. I just don't want to jeopordize our space or the integrity of the group. Of course the number I have for her has been disconnected but I know she put a new number in the phone list. If she's at the meeting, I will pull her aside. If not I will call her. Okay, there I said it. It is done.
My therapist said people react to situations with a fight, flight or freeze response. My reaction is usually fight...I find it interesting that I froze in this one. I wonder what that means.
6 comments:
mmmm, i normally flight or freeze...
You're right, the woman/girl does need to be confronted with the TRUTH.
The book directs us that we are there to help the alcoholic who still suffers.
I know I'm a liar, cheat and thief in my human nature, and I as a "recovered" (recovered sanity, recovered from hopelessness) know that I'm not in meetings to be the good guy, the nice guy, the one who doesn't rock the boat. I'm there to carry the message of recovery and when I see someone doing something that's killing them, I carry God into the room and point out the insanity.
I'm glad you decided to follow the direction of recovery on this one, and to practice the 9th and 12 steps together!
It will help her, and the rest of the fellowship, but more importantly, it helps you to live an honest program :)
You're awesome!!!
Kathy,
You are being a bit hard on yourself. Yes, you will need to talk to her. First, consult your sponsor. If possible, have your sponsor with you when you talk to her. Always a good idea to have a witness. We had a situation where a woman would, after the meeting, roll the newcomers for cash in the parking lot. Of course, after hearing about reaching out to the still suffering alcoholic, these newcomers were answering the call. Well, our gal "the roller" was talked to and given the choice of not doing this or not attending the group. It continued. There was a group conscience and she was gone. The deal is that the primary purpose and group unity always come first. Check the traditions. They are clear. This is about helping those who want help and if she resists, then she is not in that category and she needs to be aware of the consequences of her choices. It really is up to and between her and God until it spills into jeopardizing your group. Good Luck. These are tough issues and situations. But it is a part of love and tolerance, nonetheless. We cannot tolerate the intolerable when it threatens our very existence as a group. Then she is stealing from us all.
Oh, yuck, Kathy. What a difficult situation. My thoughts will be with you. I know you will handle things well -- you are a good person and you know what the right thing is, even when it will be hard.
How terrible that this woman's put you in this position. But then, many of us are just not that well.
"fight, flight or freeze".. I'd add LIE to this particular one as an option. as in "what bracelet?"
and the only option if that is the case, is to say calmly 'okay, if you see it or remember it, please let someone know.' it'll hit her later and perhaps she'll fess up or do the fight thing. me - i'd run like hell. haha. moi? what bracelet. i know - not funny. but if caught off guard, i'd probably do that - then feel guilty, then cry and admit it and run away in shame. lovely eh? we humans are good at the truth: 'you know, i did it, you are right.. how can i make it right' MUCH nicer!
but yeah - i have no idea really what i'd do. you have some tough ones kathy!
i'll keep reading - i think you have an update on it.
I think that talking to her is a good idea. Like you said, it's about the unity of the group and the good of the group. It is difficult but I've found that being straight up about stuff is the best way.
Post a Comment