This morning on my way to the meeting I stopped to get gas. I had my son's car and the tank was empty so I thought I'd suprise him with a full tank of gas. I was half asleep and it was very cold. Anyway, I pull in and rummage thru my purse for my debit card which was hard to find in the huge cavern that it is. Finally found it and went out to pump the gas. Shit.. the thingy is on the other side. Okay, get back in the car and turn it around and do it again. Shit... I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm facing a different direction but the thingy is still on the other side. Ditz. Turn it around again and this time I get it right. Geeesh! I'm just trying to be nice. Anyway, I get to the meeting and I walk in with Dave and his girlfriend. Dave is one of my sober buddys. Nice guy and has come a long way in 5 months. Still has a long way to go, difference is he knows it now. Now I can't figure out how to lock the car. He looks at me and he's like, what did you just get out of bed or something. Well, yeah, its 7 am on a Saturday.... He and his girlfriend are looking all perky and fit. Probably had good sex last night. Unlike me....(I'm sorry, was I whining?) Anyway I tell him the gas station story to get the laugh, I like to get laughs. He says, well that's your alcoholic mind. I don't think so. I think I was just tired and in a unfamiliar car. He had to agree.
I got home from the meeting, ate and went back to sleep. I slept until 1:30. I never sleep that late. I missed the funeral of the morning secretary's father. I wanted to go for support but I didn't want to go either. So I guess my decision was made for me. I woke up, and did nothing. Watched TV, ate lunch. Made sauce for dinner is the only productive thing I have done. My house is a mess and there is sooo much to do. But I am the epitomy of sloth today.
What is my alcoholic mind, is how I feel about honesty. If I dig deep and I have while working this damn fourth step is that I have never really been honest, with others or even more so with myself. Yet I was a person who prided herself on honesty. Claimed honesty. I was self righteous. I could convince you that I was true. I convinced myself. But in reality, I haven't been honest about my feelings. I haven't been honest about my actions. I haven't been honest about my motives. The list could go on forever. In fact, I have been dishonest for so long I don't know what honest feels like. So now, here I am on the fearless and searching moral inventory. I am seeking a deeper connection with my higher power. I am doing everything right in this program. People marvel at me. Literally. I am 7 months sober, I feel pretty good and I share it. I share what I am doing. I share what I am learning. It seems like I am helping some people. And people from my meetings tell me I'm doing really well. Yesterday a guy with 20 years is asking ME, how I am doing it. He wants what I have. What's up with that? (no it definately wasn't a 13th step, LOL, okay now I'm talking to myself. I really am crazy.) And I feel like I am doing well. But then again, I am questioning myself. Are my motives pure? I do have a fear of failure. Do I really believe what I am feeling and saying? I have lied to myself for so long I just don't know what is true anymore. I just don't. I feel like I'm on shaky ground. I just don't trust myself. Hopefully, as time passes, maybe I will be more used to the feeling and can recognize my true self. Right now, I am still questioning myself. I just don't know who I am anymore.
I think this is manifesting itself in my behaviour. No desire to drink at all, thank God. But I have this gnawing feeling that comes around. Prayer or reading helps now and again but it keeps coming back. So what do I do... I bought a pack of cigarettes. And now I'm sneaking around having a cigarette here and there. Right now I am waiting for my husband to leave the house so I can get one in. I do not want to smoke and I do not want to have to kick the habit again. That was tough. But for some reason I have this compulsion. I bought a pack, smoked about half of it and then left it on a bench. But a few days later, I went and bought another one. I went through this a few months ago and talked to my sponser about it. She said if its between cigarettes and alcohol, smoke. At least for now. But I don't want to smoke. Anyway, it feels good to get it out here. At least I'm being honest with someone.
I went outside and smoked that cigarette. I feel like a teenager sneaking around. I got a head rush. Is that what I'm looking for? It didn't feel good. It made me feel sick. What is wrong with me?
9 comments:
step 4 is powerful enough if done well to really mess with your head. I warn Sponsees in advance not to listen to their head till step 5 is DONE. until then they tell themselves all kinds of stuff. I tell them they may find themselves thinking I am the antichrist, and this is OK, and predictable. Mostly they are fine, but I tell them this ahead of time to help them understand how the thinking is affected by step 4 and 5. I tell them to IGNORE their head till end of 5.
self doubt? I have that too. just as strong as ever. but I don't find myself using destructive behaviors to medicate it. I am comfortable being uncomfortable. Like the zooropa song. I have no compass and I have no map, but I am accustomed to this now, even though its very unnerving. I just keep on keeping on. Do my lousy best!
But yeah, you are right. Choosing to question oneself IN SINCERITY, is a VERY courageous endeavor. Not for the faint of heart!
That' aside, yeah step 4 is like a hot house environment for truth telling, so yeah iit is challenging. But it goes further than that. There is something very powerful about step 4 and 5 that I do not understand. It sort of 'shakes the foundations' of the being in quite a fundamental way. Some energetic ? process takes place alongside the actual writing and talking which literally transforms one from within. Its very cool really. But yeah, challenging!
Smoking? I normally say stop AFTER step 5. As that is the first point of real respite from the 'pressures' of the illness. (if done well)
So, don't worry really. Its only step 4. Like Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going.” the sooner 4 and 5 is over the easier it will be. You have opened Pandora's box! So act quickly rather than slowly as all the 'stuff' is loosening itself from its hidden places, so the sooner you 'nail it down' and classify it in terms of the resentment, the sooner its power will reduce. But nothing short of a FULL 4 and 5 will put paid to it properly. If you know what I mean.
And no you are not being 'whiney'. ITS JUST STEP 4! Heehhee. Its like permanent PMS till 5 is over!!
Keep up the good work! The sincerity and integrity of your self examination are what are contributing to what feel like this upheaval. The upheaval is a true hallmark of the power of the step 4 process. It WILL end as mysteriously as it started at the end of step 5. That's what happened to me and my Sponsees anyway. To a lesser extent after step 9 also, but it doesn't hijack their thinking as powerfully as step 4 and 5 does. Post 9th hijacks them in a different sort of way. Old behaviors come to a head. Old patterns. So work habits, dating habits, reveal their destructive power, and they are FORCED to submit to a better regime. But by that point they have more 'sanity' to address and correct old patterns. But they do NOT like 'letting go of their old ideas'!!! They all want to have their cake and eat it. Oh well. They get beaten into submission eventually! By circumstance, I mean. Life is the great disciplinarian!
Right!! gotta go! Going now!!
Good luck with your 4th this Sunday!
you should give yourself more credit, i think. self-doubt is normal but when i read about you and your life, i also see honesty and integrity and goodness. all you need to do is believe it yourself. be kind to yourself as well as gentle. you are doing great.
O Lord Jesus Christ, Divine Physician of our bodies, minds, spirits, and souls, hear my prayer at this hour and receive the
voice of my supplication for the healing of Your beloved child.
Almighty One, take her under the shelter of Your wings. Steady her on the sure and certain path leading out of every distress
into the sacred precincts of
the healing power of Your Holy Spirit. Banish from her flesh and memory every bruise, thorn, and shadow of pain, darkness, and despair. Vivify her in blessed loving hope through the rich bounties of Your mystic grace
and Your tender mercies.
And surround her with Your holy angels.
For you are the Hope of all who suffer and who are heavily-laden with distress.
Gospodie Pumilui !
AMEN.
dr_zhivago@q.com
Sounds like you are going through some intense work that is leading to these feelings. I think you are doing great, you should be proud of yourself. I can relate to so much of what you said in your post. I have always thought of myself as an honest person, but now that I am not drinking, I am realizing that I have been lying to everyone, including myself. I also bought a pack of cigarettes this week. I have been sneaking around, smoking every chance I get. I just finished a pack this morning and haven't decided if I will by another pack or be done with them, again. I don't want to suffer through quitting cigarettes again, but they do seem to be helping. I don't know.
Theres nothing wrong. Its all right actually.
Its amazing watching you becoming AWARE and WILLING to change. Noticing everything, your motives, whats comfortable, what isnt, little schemes of self will run riot attempting to kid you...
This is all only SEEMS confusing and all over the place. Its not! Its ALL EXCATLY how its meant to be at the moment. All the madness will settle down, some will falter out, the rest will rightsize...
Just keep on with the steps, notice what you can change EACH DAY and do it, accept what you cant and have the wisdom to know the difference!!
If you dont like smoking, dont do it, if you cant help it AT THE MOMENT, try and not worry... Its something else to hand over to HP WHEN the time comes... thats Gods time not yours...practice principles etc...
the mind is powerful, at times a SENSE OF HUMOUR is essential, for instance.... whats with the "sneaking" around for a cigarette AT YOUR AGE!!! its the sneaking thats laughable... I mean, do you need to sneak!?
Trust the process... the steps AND a loving God is guiding you in the right direction
Honesty, willingness, openminded and humility are the keys. You DO have them, and you do use them, and they are working... so
Keep on, keeping on
This to me is the perfect song for the step 4/5 challenge of beliefs, spiritual experience.
everyones motives and mine, everything became glaringly obvious and in your face and I became stuck in the middle... BUT we dont want to go back, not really, but going forwards seems abit weird too. cos its unfamiliar territory... why? cos you hear less and less people talking about steps 6-12, because not a huge % do them. They get stuck in the middle!
Sometimes it does make no sense at all... just keep close to sponsor and trusty fellows and God...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMrm7ZQ0aMA
Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....
Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
thank you for your honesty.. i wrote a post on honesty today which I thought i would delete since I met with my sponsor. i've been fighting - fighting the fact that I am alcoholic. it's like i did the "clift notes" version of the steps all by myself and it almost recently cost me my sobriety. i didn't even realize i'd been trying to control my drinking lately.. not enjoying sobriety one freakin bit but acting like everything was fine. sooooo i don't know what i am saying - my comment is becoming all about me isn't it!? sorry about that. soo i am just sooo glad you are here. i am grateful for your honesty and for you sharing. that's all i got. and i love ya to pieces..
Hi Kathy,
That is a bumper post, honesty yes, my step 4 was typed out with an index and cross referanced with page numbers, you can still find an edited version on my sister site somewhere.
My sponsor spent two nights reading it since it contained my entire life story and it felt good afterwards having shared it all, its just getting rid of the past aint it.
7 months eh, it will soon be your first birthday but we just live for today now dont we, making peace with the past in steps 4-9 and handing your future to your HP in step 3.
The graduation day photo was taken on 1990 when I was 21, its so hazy now to look back at
I think that you are being very honest here about your dishonesty. We all have these things that still come up--progress not perfection. It is okay and they will resolve in God's time.
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