Seven Months

Pretty un f*%king believable.

Up to seven months ago I never really felt alcohol was a problem or a problem that I couldnt' handle. I WANTED to pass out every night. It was WORTH the consequences the next day. I LIKED not dealing with life. I LOVED being high. I found the PEACE in the bottle, it just didn't LAST. So to appease my husband, my children and to avoid the next day's hangover I sometimes did try to slow down or quit but I never really wanted to nor was I able to do it ALONE.

Somehow that changed on June 11th. I do not believe it was me. I was compelled that day to look for help. I knew I could not as the commercial says JUST DO IT. It took me 2 weeks to find the answer. Well, I did have an online grou where I lurked so I won't say it took me 2 weeks to find AA but it took me 2 weeks to get to a meeting. To jump in with both feet. I have gone to a meeting every day just about since. And most of the time 2. And I am online and in sober blogland. I have read the first 164 pages of the Big Book several times. I am making my way through the stories now. I've read other AA & spiritual literature as well. I meet with my sponser once a week and talk to her or my backup sponser every day. I reach out to another struggling alcoholic every day. I have finished my fourth step and am ready to embark on my fifth. A God of my understanding and prayer is in my life now. I don't know for sure exactly when the compulsion left but it did. Probably after I did Step 3. Turned my Will and my Life to the Care of God. It's awesome.

I had an odd morning today. I guess the busy week caught up with me and I overslept because I forgot to set my alarm. I feel awkward and a bit unnerved because I will not get to go to my morning meeting where I start my day. Like I told my husband it feels a bit like I forgot to put on my underwear (no jokes please:). I had to call the three women I give rides and luckily they had time to make other arrangements. I missed the chip party as quite a few of us have the 11th as a date, 2 mos, 4 mos, 7 mos (Me), 10 mos and I believe there are a few others....Now before we have a pity party, I can get the chip tomorrow where maybe I can have the limelight all to myself in typical self centered fashion. And I have got 2 calls to check on me when I missed the meeting. How special is that??

But missing the meeting also allowed me to have a conversation with my husband about the day he is facing. They are having a reorganization meeting today at his office. One of the possiblities is a move to Philadelphia. My husband is not an alcoholic and also realizes there is not much he can do to change the outcome so has not talked about this much. Plus I think he was afraid to tell me of the what ifs. And strangely enough, as we talked this morning, I did not react in usual fashion. I think because I have TRUST and FAITH now. In the past, I would have started lining up all the possible scenarios and already have us eating cheesesteaks on South Street I think it is, complete move vs. gradual. He moves, the rest of us stay. Wait till my son graduates high school and then move, husband commutes on weekends. In fact, I would have had the new apartment or house decorated and began the emotional withdrawal from this house that I love. BUT, while I won't deny these thoughts fleetingly flew through my head, I did not dwell. I feel like whatever happens it will be okay. I would hate to leave this area but I know that I already have friends in Philadelphia and they are probably meeting right now. I feel like whatever happens, it will be okay. So I don't even really care what happens, no need to think about it until when we know for sure. Then we will do the next thing. I really like this PEACE.

I have missed my friends in blogland. It's been a busy beginning of the new year for me with work, the retreat, my daughter, blah, blah, blah. I put the blogging without obligation on here for a reason so I won't go into all the platitudes. But I do miss you all and plan to catch up over the weekend. Hope you are well.