Constant Vigilance

You know, I hear all the time at meetings the stories of people who let their guard down, who thought they could handle it, maybe questioned whether or not they were an alcoholic at all. Or maybe they didn't even think about it. Didn't question anything. Like Jim the car salesman who on a whim decided a whiskey in his milk would be a good idea. I feel good right now. I got through the holidays with nary a desire to drink. A passing thought maybe, but that was more due to routine than anything. No obsession. These stories of relapsing remind me that I must protect what I have at all costs from that first drink. I have no mental defense against it. That my good feeling can depart in a moment. Either I can rationalize my way towards the drink or I won't even think about it. So I must be constantly on the look out.

I think this also applies to the relationship that I am developing with the God of my understanding. I took His presence for granted all of my life. I feel His presence now around me all the time, in the sunrises, sunsets, soft snowfall, ocean breezes, swaying trees, kindness of strangers, love of my fellows, family. But in the day to day living of making ends meet, tasks of daily living, droning televisions.... it is easy to lose sight of God and to take His presence for granted. So I must remain vigilant in my seeking. And if I do, He will protect me from that first drink. So it is just one big circle really. I need to remain constantly vigilant so that I can remain constantly vigilant.

I will have plenty of time this weekend to reflect on this. One of my Christmas presents to myself is to attend a Women in Recovery Retreat with my sponser and some other women from the program. I am looking forward to the rest and reflection. I have no idea what to expect but I'm bringing my fifth step with me!! Leaving right after work tomorrow. Nice way to start the New Year, huh? I'll see y'all on the flip side.