Happy Birthday Jessica!!

I know that 19 years ago today I was not drinking because I was giving birth to my daughter. When I found out I was pregnant I was petrified because we had been to a wedding and I had drunk myself into oblivian. I remember plodding down the streets of Philadelphia barefoot and fighting with my husband. Anyway once I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking and didn't really drink or at least not heavily for about 2-3 years. Of course after my second child was born and I went back to work waitressing, the party began and pretty much did not stop until recently but that is a story for another day. I am just so grateful that I am sober today and of course petrified that my beautiful daughter will follow in my footsteps. I keep adding to all my conversations with her, don't drink. Like tonight, she's going to celebrate her birthday by going out to dinner with friends and going to a tree lighting in Boston and all I can say is have fun and don't drink! She's a freshman in college now and it is her journey. I just pray for her daily. That is all I can really do, right?

I have been pondering how I can help newcomers recently. I thought with just over 5 months sober I didn't have a whole lot to offer but in my step meeting we just finished the 12th step and we've been discussing it in my online group. Interesting. I know for me, right from the beginning, the best feeling in the world was when I could help someone or someone could relate to me. But I hestitate because I didn't think I had much to offer being newly sober. What I have learned and what I have been told is that all I have to do is share what I have done. It may not always be by the book (though for me, it usually is) but it is what works for me., not necessarily in order of importance. I started online, in an online group and here in blogdom. I reluctantly went to meetings thanks to what I learned here. I picked meetings to attend regularly. I became a secretary of a group. I got a sponser. I accepted invitations to tea. I read the Big Book. I read more literature. I journaled by blogging. I started the steps. I listen. I share. I pray. I am thankful. I try to help others. If I just share that, its enough. And to offer a smile, a pat on the back, a welcome, a ride, a phone call, anything, is enough. Whatever, its enough. I think about what people have done for me, and I try to do that for others. Encourage, hug, smile, welcome. An occasional 2x4. One woman in my online group called me to talk until I had the courage to get a sponser closer to home. One woman in my morning meeting urged me to get my 24 hour chip, it took me a few days but I finally went up to get it. One woman, gave me a phone list, her number and said the Lord's Prayer always made her cry too. Others offered me their numbers, told me they knew how I felt. One woman asked me for a ride. One guy said they were going to charge me more for the basket because of all the tissues I used. One guy asked me, "are you still here?" Fellow bloggers encouraged me and directed me. Challenged me. It just snowballed and snowballed until I am now just one bundle of overflowing gratitude and more importantly, I am sober.

Check out this link: http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomer/videoh.shtml

I loved that video because it really brought me back to where I was. While I know I am an alcoholic, my human condition can cause me to forget what it was like and because I feel so good now, my mind can make me think it wasn't so bad. I was just like all those people. Exactly. They are good actors. I can never forget what it was like. But it is so much better to be like those other people at the end of the video offering the solution.

Anyway, that's what I've been doing lately. Thinking about this stuff. Thanksgiving was challenging but I didn't drink. Life is challenging, but I'm not drinking. I have been time constrained so not able to check in lately but I am here and grateful and I'll be coming to visit your blog very very soon:) Keep the light on for me.

Okay, I've been tagged, twice!

"7 x2 random facts you have learned in recovery"

rules

* link to the person’s blog who tagged you.

* post these rules on your blog.

* list seven random and/or weird facts you have learned in recovery.

* tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

* let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog

So I was tagged by shadow and Michael but I can't figure out the link thing so forget that. Anyway, here goes:

1. I have learned to have a grateful heart.
2. I have learned I have a disease and that my drinking was not a moral issue.
3. I have learned that just because I am changing does not mean the people around me are.
4. I have learned acceptance.
5. I have learned that staying in the day does not mean procrastination.
6. I have learned to pray.
7. I have learned that I am powerless.
8. I have learned to practice constant vigilance.
9. I have learned patience and tolerance.
10. I have learned that recovery is progress not perfection so although I am learning I am not always going to get it right.
11. I have learned that I cannot do this alone.
12. I have learned to call my sponser when I need her or even when I don't need her.
13. I have learned that to help another alcoholic is to help myself.
14. I have learned how to be completely honest with myself and others.

I think I have probably learned alot more but I'll stop here. If you have read this consider yourself tagged:)

Thanksgiving..It's Official

For my friend Michael across the pond and the rest of us.....

Lincoln's 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation
************

**********************************************************
Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclomation that follows is taken from the
collection of Lincoln's papers in the Library of America series, Vol
II, pp. 520-521.

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the
blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties,
which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the
source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so
extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften
even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful
providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequalled
magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States
to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved
with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been
respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in
the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly
contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful
diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful
industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the
shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our
settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the
precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.
Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has
been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the
country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and
vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large
increase of freedom.

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out
these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God,
who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless
remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should
be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart
and voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my
fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those
who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set
apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of
Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the
Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the
ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and
blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national
perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those
who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the
lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and
fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the
wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent
with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony,
tranquillity and Union.

Abraham Lincoln

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ' n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs. (or wherever else it may settle.)
MAY YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED THANKSGIVING!

It's been crazy busy in preparation for the holiday. I am now settling down a bit at my brother's in NYC and enjoying the smell of turkey roasting in the oven. I will catch up with all of you soon I hope but I wanted to wish all of my blog friends a blessed and sober day!!

ps..I'll respond to the tag soon as I'm able:)

Bonfires, Memories and New Beginnings

Had another sober social event. One of the members of our morning group had a bonfire Friday night (sorry Michael no video:) I was anxious all day but I went anyway with another sober woman who has about 45 days. It was nice to see everyone outside of the meeting. And once I settled in, my social anxiety died down. The last time I went to a bonfire was about 25 years ago when I was dating my husband. We went with another couple up to Keene, NH from Connecticut. The three of us drank the whole way up while my husband drove. We got pulled over (you're tires are bald, boy) and he had to do a sobriety test which he passed because he wasn't the one drinking. It was a huge party and there were barrels of grain alcohol punch as I recall. I didn't know alot of people so apparently I just kept drinking. At some point I became upset with my future husband for some drunken reason and decided I was going home. Proceeded to leave on foot. I was in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night! I don't know how long I stumbled around in the pitch black. I ended up passed out on someone's front yard. House was dark. When I came to I didn't know what to do and I didn't know where I was. I knocked on the door and woke them up. They gave me a flashlight and pointed me in the direction of the road. I managed to find my way back to the party and spent the rest of the night in the car. I don't remember much more than that. Just remember being mortified, scared, and I felt ridiculous. My husband never came looking for me, he had sprained his ankle but this was a pattern that began very early in our relationship now that I think about it. I held onto that flashlight for a long time but it didn't stop me from drinking. When I was leaving for the bonfire my husband said he couldn't find a flashlight (the flyer said bring one if you wanted to hike in the woods.) I said I didn't need one, had no plans to hike and he said, you did last time:) He was joking but it hit home.

Anyway, I told that story in my morning group and it was good to share it, unload it, dispose of it. I went to the bonfire because I felt I owed it to myself to replace that memory. And I did, with toasting marshmallows & hotdogs on a stick and good conversation and as we were leaving, someone called out, "you didn't get lost in the woods this time!" It's nice when people remember and know what something means. It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I hope that someday my husband will feel comfortable enough to share these moments with me. I hope that someday I will feel comfortable enough to share my feelings with him such as I can in a meeting.

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for a woman from AA. She apparently had some health issues and died peacefully but unexpectedly in her sleep. I had just gotten to know her and she was a quiet, gentle soul. I am sorry I didn't know her better but I am so grateful for the example that she has given me. Before she died, I knew her as a sweet, quiet and caring woman in my meetings who always had a friendly smile and a positive message. In death she has shown me how one person can touch so many and create a community and family. She apparently had a very difficult life from childhood when she was orphaned. Between her church and the AA community she created a network of people who cared deeply for her. If she didn't know this when she was alive I pray that she knows it now. The service her church provided her was beautiful and meaningful and I may have found a place to practice my faith and for this I will be eternally grateful. Now I just need the courage to try it. Thinking of attending a church feels like going to my first AA meeting and this church just so happens to be where I go to my morning meeting everyday. I am trying to avoid it at all costs but in my heart I know that once I get there I will be found. Gee, sounds famliar:)

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!
Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come;’
Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promis’d good to me, His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil, A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below, Will be forever mine.

John New­ton, Ol­ney Hymns (Lon­don: W. Ol­i­ver, 1779)

Thanks Pat.

Having Another?

I had the day off Monday in honor of Veteran's Day. I was able to go to the parade to watch my son march in the band to honor our local heros. There was a nice crowd and it was extremely moving. Our town lost a son 2 years ago in Afghanistan. A well liked boy from a nice family. A leader amongst his peers. His father read a beautiful poem about our children laying down their sports equipment for guns that someone had annonymously left in his mailbox. I try not to get angry about this war but I am afraid I am. I am grateful to these honorable men and women who are called from within to duty and I am very patriotic about my country. But my patriotism does allow me to express my dissatisfaction with our leadership and this war which has gone on much too long and was ill advised in the first place. And while I don't look forward to the coming election year I do look forward to change. I pray that our country will do the right thing this time. I'm not sure what the right thing will be but as a citizen of Massachusetts I know one person who would not be good for this country. I won't name any names but he was a governer here. That's as strong as my feelings are about any particular candidate. Hopefully I can focus on the postitive soon but all I can think about is NOT getting someone elected. Anyway, that is not where I was going with this post....

What I was trying to reflect on with Vets day was that the parade ended just in time for me to attend the noon meeting which I usually do not attend because of work. I had done my usual morning meeting and thought it would be a treat to go to the nooner. Someone at the morning meeting had told me I should do something to treat myself to celebrate my 5 months. I don't think she meant go to a meeting but I was glad I did. The speaker was one of the first speakers I heard. He's a "tough guy". His story was quite different from mine but I remember one thing he said. You can't sit in a garage and expect to become a car. Meaning that this is a program of action. And he said this when I was getting all these car analogies. It stuck with me and it helped me to see that I had to work for my sobriety. It wasn't going to come by just reading and not drinking. It meant going to meetings, talking, writing and doing the steps. I got to thank him and that was cool.

Later, I attended my usual Monday night meeting. I was tired and honestly if I had my druthers I would not have gone but I am the Secretary and that is also a part of the work. I don't particularly like this meeting. But there are 2 people there that I must hear so I go. Their message is clear and spiritual. So I tolerate all the rest and I listen to them. And sometimes what I "tolerate" is good too:)

Anyway, as I was getting ready to go to the evening meeting, my poor husband who also had the day off, looks at me and says, "you're going to another meeting? " It sounded just like when he used to nag me about my next glass of wine. "you're having another?" "KATHY......" Used to really irritate me. This time I was struck with that same irritation. But it was also amusing. Sometimes I think, for me, the hardest part about getting sober is doing it around someone who doesn't understand and doesn't necessarily want too. And whether I'm having a drink, a cheeseburger or going to a meeting, his expectations are still the same. He has them:) He's happy that I'm sober and in that sense doesn't care how I got here just that I did but he really doesnt' get it. I guess this will be something to pray for and to work for as well. Who knows?

Five Months

Unbelievable! I think this might be the longest time I have ever gone without a drink not counting my pregnancies. I did have a period of time in 2004 (after I ruined Christmas dinner and the house filled up with smoke. Remind me to tell you about it sometime:) and I honestly do not remember when I picked up. Somewhere between 4-6 months. When I thought I could handle alcohol. The difference is I am sober now. Not just not drinking. The difference is I don't feel as though I am missing anything. I feel as though I have gained something. The difference is I am searching my soul and liking what I find and with help removing what I don't. The difference is I have a program. The program of AA. The difference is I am not alone.

So thank you to all of you who so freely share. Not sure where I would be had I not found this forum where I am learning to express myself and where I am gaining experience, strength and hope. I am grateful for finding the Spirit of the Universe which has allowed me to connect because I believe that connection has allowed me to heal.

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Hollies - He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

In the spirit of love and fellowship. A favorite song I was reminded of while watching the Osmonds on Oprah today. Have a great weekend.

Bottoms

I've been thinking on this lately as one of the women in my morning group has been struggling. She has lost her kids, is in trouble with the law, etc. She has been trying to put together 30 days for a long time. But she is fighting and we have been talking. She thinks I am lucky because my bottom does not involve institutions, jail or death. On the face of it, maybe she's right. But I have learned to identify not compare.

I did not lose the physical presence of my children. I lost their respect. In fact, I think she is lucky because if she can get sober through the Grace of God, she has the opportunity to be a sober mother to her children through their childhood and teens. I lost that. I can only be an example to them now and earn their respect back.

No, I was never arrested for drunk driving but I should have been. Had I been caught, perhaps I would have asked and received the help I needed at an earlier date thus saving me and my family from additional heartache.

No, I have not been close to death, but I cleaned my uncle's scalp from the bathroom floor when he died alone from falling down drunk in the bathroom and was dead for a month before we found him. I rescued my mother from death when I found her in an alcoholic stuper on New Year's Day, 2003 which resulted in her permanent disability of Korsakoff's Syndrome. And I drank through it all. To the point of losing control of my own bodily functions and other gross stuff I'm sure we all know about. Until I finally just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

So I guess my point is, our bottoms may be different but how we get there is not. We were unable to control our drinking. And there is a solution. One that can lead us to a life that is happy, joyous and free. I am grateful to have found it and to have the opportunity to help others find it.

Fellowship

Trouble is a part of life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.--Dinah Shore

Just as gravity keeps us grounded and connected to the earth, our fellowship keeps us bound to sobriety. The fellowship available to us in our Twelve Step program keeps us in reality. A problem pondered in isolation seems immense; the same problem shared by those who truly understand is manageable. We need other people from the moment we are born. We need to be included, to feel we're a part of something larger than ourselves. Our spirits hunger for contact from others, and thirst for a relationship with God.Our fellowship is there, a warm, friendly, and accepting family. Our Higher Power loves us. We are not alone, no matter where we travel, no matter how large our problems seem at the moment. Our joys are doubled and our sadness diminished through the sharing of our hearts.

Today help me listen carefully and give as well as take so I may fully experience this gift of fellowship.

You are reading from the book:
Body, Mind, and Spirit by Anonymous, Copyright 1990 by Hazelden Foundation

I am just beginning to understand the fellowship part of this program. And it is a wonderful thing. The connections we make, I believe, are symbolic of our connection with a Higher Power. The transmission line, if you will. I am grateful that I can be there for a new sober friend who is in the hospital. I am grateful that I have sober friends that I can discuss my understanding of a Higher Power. I am grateful to have attended my first sober party. I am grateful for the support I receive in the rooms and here for my trials and tribulations and for my thought process. It's just a wonderful thing. Pure and simple.

For Mickey: I am your Disease

I hate meetings...... I hate higher powers.....

I hate anyone who has a program.

To all of you who come in contact with me, I wish you death and suffering. Allow me to introduce myself.... I am the disease of addiction.

I am cunning, baffling and powerful. That is me.

I have killed millions and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of suprise, I love pretending that I am your friend or lover, I have given you comfort, haven't I.

Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn't you call upon me? I was there.

I love to make you hurt. Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry.

When you can feel nothing at all, that is true gratification!

And all I ask from you is long term suffering.

I've been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me.

You said you didn't deserve these good things and I was the only one who agreed with you.

Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life.

People don't take me seriously.

They take heart disease, strokes and diabetes seriously, but not me. Such fools! Without my help, these things would not be possible.

I am such a hated disease, yet I do not come uninvited.

You CHOOSE to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than YOU hate me, I hate ALL OF YOU who have a 12 step program. Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power. All these things weaken me and I cannoy function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I sit here, quietly. When you live, I may only exist. But I am here....And until we meet again, I wish you death and suffering. Just wanted to keep in touch.

Regards, Your disease.

(author unknown)

I'm done allowing you to post on my blog dear Mickey. So comment moderation has been enabled. Peace be with you.

Strength

A.A. Thought for the Day

Strength comes from the fellowship we find when we come into AA. Just being with people who have found the way out gives us a feeling of security. We listen to the speakers and we absorb the atmosphere of confidence and hope that we find in the place. Am I receiving strength from the fellowship with other AA members?

My answer: Yes.

The Rampage saga continues

Yeah, well we made the front page. Below the fold though so that's good. Of course our local rag got many details wrong and characterized the event as an "egg rampage". It was a dozen eggs, man. The"young child" who was hit in front of a witness is a freshman in my son's high school band and is not coming forward. My son apologized, hopefully with humility. He didn't come home from school with much humility. Seems one of the other boys isn't getting many consequences. This is making me spittin' mad. He has to pay for his lawyer and is not allowed anymore sleepovers, poor baby. Has learned a lesson simply by being arrested. Not only that, his parents are going on a 2 week vacation and leaving him home alone. They are leaving a 17 yr old home alone. A weekend maybe with lots of neighborhood watches but 2 weeks! Had this not happened, I would not know this and my son would be hanging there unsupervised. Come to think of it he has been there unsupervised because clearly these parents have different values than I do. I am trying very hard not to pass judgement but they are making my job so much more difficult. And their poor son. He is the Eddie Haskell of the group and not many parents like him. Clearly he has been abandoned by his parents. They don't come to any of the soccer games either. I don't know, it is hard enough raising a teenager but to be undermined like this just really pisses me off. The father told me at the police station that he would be grounded. My first instinct is to call them and tell them how disappointed I am in their decision. I did call them to offer a place to stay for their son while they are gone. Not with us (that would be a reward for our boys) but with another friend who lives next to the high school and has an extra bedroom. It sounded as though I got a thanks but no thanks. But at least my offer expresses my concern.
Had coffee with the other child's parent. We are on the same page but she is devastated. I felt really bad for her. She can't quite get past the reflection on her part. While we were having coffee I saw a few people from my morning meeting at the shop. It made me feel safe. And I am just very grateful I have this program to help me see this thing in perspective. I felt very confident in my feelings and decisions and was happy that I could pass some of that on.

Decided to go to a meeting last night. Well actually it ended up 2 half meetings so that I could catch my little felon's half time performance at the foot ball game. I was going to skip the meeting but I could feel the need in me. I am glad I went. The speaker at the first meeting had a very good message and one that I needed to hear last night. I was sorry to leave early and miss the group discussion but I was able to hear the West Side Story montage and the band sounded good. I didn't care to see the football so I went home and on the way realized that there was a meeting at 8 that I pretty much don't like. It is one of those big hall meetings. It's like a Friday night social. But I was anxious so I went anyway. Yup, you got it. Message I needed to hear. Then, a few faces that I had seen in Court were also there. Not sure I mentioned that before, but it seems everywhere I go now I see people that I have seen in the rooms. I saw these familiar faces when my son was arraigned but I didn't know them personally so I got to meet one fellow last night. It was really nice and not only that I won the 50/50 raffle. 12 bucks. Clearly meant to be.

On my way to a sober candle party tonight. I was invited by 2 different women. I want to shout out like Sally Field, "they like me, they really really like me!"

Blessings

Well we went to Court. The lawyer is good and will do what he can. Good case scenario is that it will get continued without a finding, (first offense, good kid, community service, stay out of trouble, I'd add apology to the victim). Worst case, this gets publicized (small town where teenagers are often made expamples of good police work) and the judge has public pressure.

I can't believe that I am feeling so blessed. I'm disappointed and disgusted with my son and his friends but I honestly feel this is a good thing. I think God did this. I pray for my children and I think that my son needed this kick in the butt. He is a smart kid but like me he has to learn things the hard way. But now with no cell phone, no car, no outside life besides school, work, sports, with expectations that he carry his weight around the house and no rights to talk back and the like, I think he is going to come down a few notches and we are going to get closer as a family. We've already got a few fence post holes dug, a clean bedroom and he even picked up the house! (We haven't progressed to dishes but there's always tomorrow!) His ass is mine!!

Best of all, he was not drinking. To me that is "normal" 17 yr old behavior. Even better, I was not drinking and haven't. I got to go to the noontime meeting yesterday. I was headed to work after court and thought that is where I needed to be. Its a good meeting. Sorry I can't get there on a regular basis. I was able to share what was going on and able to talk to a few people after the meeting. This program is really doing it for me. It's all good.

You're Under Arrest

My son was arrested last night and charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon. Seems he and his friends thought it would be a good idea to drive around town with a dozen eggs (the deadly weapon) looking for teenagers to throw them at. 911 calls came into the police and they set up a net and stopped them, found the empty egg crate in the car and my son and one other boy fessed up to throwing the eggs and were arrested along with the driver. The other boys were sent home. An 18 year old girl was injured with, from what the cops say, a nasty welt on her side. Apparently her father was after them as well and we are lucky the cops got to them first. There is a report of a young child getting hit though no proof of this. I am extremely grateful that it appears alcohol was not involved. While my son admits he was really stupid he thinks this is "normal" teenage stuff. It doesn't feel normal to me. He's 17 years old. This seems the stuff of much younger kids. He is an honors student. He is smart. But you know what, sometimes he is not very nice. And he has been mean, at least to me. He used to be a compassionate kid but he doesn't seem so anymore. He seems remorseful but he has made a series of bad decisions especially since he got his license. And while he hasn't been caught drinking, I am sure he has been as I have seen some online pictures that look suspect.

And while I am full of fear and working on 4 1/2 hours of sleep, I feel strangely calm. I am worried about his record and his future, but I feel at peace. I am angry, but I'm not frustrated. I do have faith that what ever happens is supposed to happen. I will pray that my son be guided. I will pray that my husband and I are guided. According to the cops and a few lawyers, as a first offense, its possible that it can get reduced to disorderly conduct or something. I want whatever happens to be the best for my son. He needs this lesson. His world just got very small. He is not "normal". He is the child of an alcoholic.

So my husband and I get to celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary today watching our son get arraigned.

"In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."