Meanderings

One thing I learned while away... my husband never shuts up! I guess I never noticed before because I was always blitzed. But Jesus! We had a good laugh over that. Like I've said before, we need to relearn how to communicate. Our week helped alot. He's dealing with not having dinner on the table when he gets home because I'm rushing out to meetings. I think it peeves him a bit. He's getting more alone time than he's used to. I'm not sure he gets that he was alone when I was here and drunk. He hated that but I was physically here. Now I am off at these mysterious meetings. He's not going to try al-anon and has declined joining me and that's okay. He's never going to be a touchy feely guy and that is what he's afraid of at these meetings. It's also what impresses me most about the men I have heard. They are soome tough looking dudes but they talk about feelings! They cry! Wow!

He was cute last night though. There is a 10 day festival in town this week and tonight is a microbrew festival. He asked if it would be weird if he went. I said only if he was an alcoholic and only if he expected me to go. We joked that maybe it was his turn to be the alcoholic and I can do the designated driving. I do think he is mourning the loss of a party partner even though I partied til I dropped which ticked him off. Sort of like Andy Garcia in that Meg Ryan movie.... I can't remember the name.

Since I've been back I've also been thinking alot about my kids. I am petrified for them and I've got to continue to work on living in the now yet getting the courage to just talk to them about what is going on with me, why it's happening and give them the tools to deal with their own issues. At 16 & 18 there is probably very little I can do to convince them not to try drinking if they are so inclined. Accept the things I cannot change. I can only hope that they are the type that want to be the opposite of their mom because I have been such a shitty role model for them during these most significant teenage years. Do as I say not as I do. That's been my motto! Courage to Change the things that I can. What I can change is to be honest with them about my drinking and what I am doing now. What AA is doing for me. What God is doing for me. I've got to pray for this courage because so far it has escaped me. I think their lives may depend upon it.