Attended a friend's mother's memorial service today. I did not know this woman. She lived in the same facility as my mom and so my friend and I shared caregiving stories. As the memorial progressed, I realized that I was hearing about a woman, a mother that I had always wanted and never had. It's hard for me to hear about other peoples' mothers, (unless they are crack whores) no offense, I hope.
I do not have any childhood memories of my mom. I know she was there. She made my clothes, she fed us, she did the laundry, she told me to clean my room, but I have no memories of feeling loved, of feeling cherished, of feeling protected, of feeling nurtured. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, or maybe I am. I just didn't get a sense of worth from my family. I always wanted another family. They always looked better than mine. They felt better. I felt more at home in some of my friends houses when I was growing up than I did in my own but I always felt different.
And don't get me wrong. My mother is a nice person. People love her. She has a great sense of humor and now is always laughing. She was considered a saint by many because she put up with my father (but that's another story). People are always telling me what a good daughter I am, taking care of my mother now, but I am doing it out of duty, not love. And of course that makes me feel guilty. So many mixed feeliings just swirling around in there. Maybe I need an ACOA meeting. Do they have meetings?
And I'm not saying that I wasn't loved, I am saying I didn't feel loved. I'm not sure why that is. That will probably be very expensive to find out:) I know her mother was withholding. When we cleaned out my grandfather's house we found my grandmother's journals. It so excited us because we (my brothers and I) thought we would finally get some insight into my mother and her family. There were quite a few of them but consisted of entries such as: " The wind is blowing today. I got a permanent and I think it looks good." We kept searching for entries with meaning. Nothing. Not a feeling to be found.
I guess it just scares the hell out of me what I may have done to my kids. I pray that they feel my love. I think they do but I know they are damaged and I can only pray that as my recovery progresses they are given some relief.
Today's mantra: No One Travels Alone
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
my greatest fear is still the power i have to influence my son's life. and it scares me. i just hope, like you, that i'm at least getting most of it right...
follow your heart by susan tamaro is a good 'surrogate mother' book to have
heres an excerpt
http://www.susannatamaro.it/tamaro_inglese/Bibliografia/bibliografia.htm
Phew. I'm rested and have stuff to catch up with now so I'd better be getting on.
I found that my sisters children responded more positively to me after I had done step 11 stuff. They just wanted to be around me more. Also when I saw how much fun the theravada monks had with kids when families came to visit the monasteries, it made me want to be more like them.
I felt as though I was adopted first by my home group, and later by monks and nuns. So thats where I feel I owe my 'parenting' to. the thig you call 'feeling loved' comes from there, not my family as such.
It's not where you come from - it's where you belong
It's not how weak, but what will make you strong
U2 Summer rain.
That's bit "It's not where you come from - it's where you belong" is very true.
Hi girl - I can relate.. my mom and I have never gotten along.. Anything I do with her I do out of duty, not because I want to. I love her but I've never really LIKED her if that makes sense. I have a feeling that your kids FEEL that big ole love you give them every day.
One of the things I have learned is that Feelings aren't Facts.
I think most of us (alcoholics) have negative feelings from our childhoods. I think the trick is to feel our feelings that we are having "today". For ME, when I go back in time to re-feel stuff, it colors or overshadows TODAY. We an not re-write our history, we can't even re-write yesterday. That is why it is so important to live fully right now. You obviously have a strong desire to "it" right....and I believe you are doing "it" right TODAY. So you are victorious.
Thanks Pam. I totally agree with that. TODAY, I AM fine. I was sparked due to the memorial service for my friend's mother and it was very difficult not to go there (my own Mom). BUT, I am grateful that I was able to share and comfort my friend in HER loss even if I could not relate to it. And I am grateful that I have this forum to reflect on those feelings because that DOES help me stay in the day.
"And don't get me wrong. My mother is a nice person. People love her. She has a great sense of humor and now is always laughing. She was considered a saint by many because she put up with my father"
yeh People loved my mum too, I couldnt understand it, cos I didnt get that connection that other people seemed too.
Its only post step 5, and then stronger after step9, and in the few years since... my love for my mother grew, its not that we became best buddys an all that, my understanding of her and how she "be" and how she wasnt going to "be" also became clearer. I stopped trying to change her and the past into something she and it wasnt, inside and outside of my head.
I think many of us felt this disconnection from parents "those supposed to parent us, be the role models" and the disillusionment of it not being tru for us. is it true for anyone ?
For me, as I found myself in recovery and through the steps, I found where I fit, I found giving to my nieces and step family and other peoples kids, brought a sense of that things that I was missing... that which I hadnt found, I could give to other kids anyway.
I often feel like a motherless child at 40. But nowadays I find it easier to accept and find that love by giving, when I want to receive. loneliness is a trait of the alcoholic. Newcomers are the key to relief and prayer.
As for my mum, I will never know what really went on in that head of hers. She kept it bottled to the end. I just hope that she is now in a place where she is Happy joyeous and Free, most of the time, like me :)
You asked if there are ACOA meetings. Yes, there are. Their website has a form to help you find meetings in your area.
Post a Comment