I am Blessed.

This could sound disgustingly positive particularly for people who are in pain. But...tonight I have invited a group of sober women to come over to view a movie called One. I've posted about it here before so I won't go into details but these are women who have become my friends in AA and this is my Christmas present to them. A gathering together and an intersting movie that I am sure will lead to an interesting discussion.

After I put this invitation together and sent it out, I received an invitation to a joint suprise party for 2 dear friends (not in the program). I knew I couldn't go and was a bit upset that I had not been included in the plans where I could have told them this date would not work FOR ME. I had to RSVP that I could not go....but that I would still contribute. This party will be about food and drink.

So today, I will take the wings from the crockpot that have been cooking all night and put them in the oven to crisp them up. I will clean my house which is a huge mess. I will make roasted nuts for my party. I will wrap presents. I will go to the sports bar where they are having this party (in the function room upstairs) to bring my contribution and presents and to help my friends decorate. Then I will come home again to make sure everything is ready for my gathering. I will go to my meditation meeting and then a Centering Prayer workshop afterwords. An hour before my guests arrive I will get home and hope I can pull it all together, but a few of the women will be with me so I'll just suck it up and say this is it.

For awhile I was stressing a bit over all this and procrasitnating about what I had to do to do everything. Lamenting that I was just a girl who couldn't say no. That i had taken on too much by offering to help with the suprise party that I was not going to attend. Acutally I can get there when the women leave my house. This party will go on until midnight or so. My gathering of sober women will probably end early enough that I can make an appearance. But did I want to? They will all have been drinking. How messy will it be? Maybe I won't go at all. I don't HAVE to be there. I did my part. But now, we'll just see how it unfolds. And if able I will WANT to go there. Not because I want to make an appearance but because these are women I love.

I am blessed because I have ALL of these friends. New friends in sobriety who GET me, understand my problem, are on the same spiritual path. And my old friends who have been through life with me, and accept me for who I am and have supported my journey.

I will start my day by going to a meeting as soon as I finish this post. I am no longer stressed about the day and what it will bring. Geesh, compared to 2 years ago, this is gravy. I would have drank all night on Friday. Friday was my favorite night to drink. If anyone asked what's your favorite day of the week, I'd say Friday because I knew when I got home from work I could drink without worrying about the next day. Not that I drank any more than any other day but I could drink knowing I wouldn't have to put myself back together the next morning. I could sleep it off though I usually woke up because a drunk sleep is not restful and lay on the couch all day trying to alleviate symptoms and begin to drink as soon as I could to feel better. And I never would have been looking forward to these gatherings. I would have been dreading them. I liked to hibernate when I drink. I was antisocial. Oh, put me in a social situation I could become the life of the party, but I didn't want to be there and it would take a lot of "will power" to get me there. Lived my life with a lot of excuses as to why I couldn't do things. When it was really that I just wanted to drink in peace.

What a difference. I am blessed...all this and snow tonight too. Have a great and sober day everyone. xo

You guys are AWESOME!

Thanks for all the supportive comments. It's in the agent's and adjuster's hands now and we all know it was always in God's. I warned them about her "stuff". They were supportive to me as well and appreciated the heads up. When I got home last night...and told my husband..his first reaction was to go into reprimand mode which triggered my FU mode. So anger did enter the picture..just sews you don't think I am this peaceful angelic person.....and as soon as I entered my kitchen I wanted to pour myself a...a....a....something. Thankfully there was a box of pepperoni pizza on the island and I grabbed 2 slices and a diet coke....and went to the computer. Corresponded with 2 friends in the program about the situation and dumped it all on my blog. My husband left reprimand mode and went into understanding mode and its all good. I shared at my morning meeting which happens to be at the same church. Not the gory details as I did here but the wanting a drink part and getting past it. About intentions...and accidents. And about how grateful I am that we have this program that helps us get through these situations and grow from them. About how annoying it is when those corny AA sayings that everyone throws at you to explain situations are so true like for me this morning...."you get what you need" and I did.

I put a prayer in the prayer box for that woman that she find peace and acceptance.

But frankly I hope I never see her again.

No Accidents?

On Wednesday nights I sometimes attend a service at a Unity church. Its a meditation, healing service. So tonight despite the freezing rain, I went. It's not far from my house and I wanted to ask for prayers for a woman from my Tuesday group and get my silent prayer sit in. She was married this past August and became pregnant on her honeymoon. Storybook right? Well, she just found out that the baby has tested postive for spina bifida. Of course she is devastated and she came to the meeting last night and was just enveloped by the loving of the group. It was a blessing to be a part of it. I watched Oprah today and Michael Beckwith spoke about how circumstances such as these in your life are really "gifts of the unfoldment of the soul". We need these experiences to develop our soul. I pray that this woman and her husband have an opportunity to grieve for the baby they will not have so that they can experience the joy of the baby they will have. And I pray for the unborn child to develop to be all that he or she can be as intended. Please keep them in your prayers as well.

It's very icy here in New England. And sadly, after the service, I ripped off the grill of a woman's Volvo as I tried to skid out of my parking space in my husband's truck. I don't know how I backed into her car except that it was parked too far forward and I misjudged the space I had and the truck slid. The edge of the grill where it connects to the fender, was literally hooked into the corner of the truck bumper....I have no idea how that happened except that it was stuck and I didn't know it because it was dark and I couldn't see that we were stuck. So when I moved forward, which took much effort and spinning of tires, it ripped her puny plastic grill and bumper from the car all around the headlights. Probably should not done that but I don't know how else we would have gotten our cars apart. Once I realized that we were connected I stopped moving forward. If I had kept going I probably would have pulled the whole damn thing off. I could not believe how much damage there was. Not a scratch to the truck though. I went back into the church to see who owned the car. I kind of wish I had just left. Not that I could have, our cars were literally stuck together and had to be pryed apart. As I called out for the owner, she just stormed out of the church...not even allowing an explanation of what had happened.

Needless to say she was quite upset. It looked really bad. It was really bad. My apologies were not accepted though I did accept hers, she was really hard to deal with and I'm still shaking because there was no getting over it for her. I had to pry her personal information from her so that I can give it to my insurer. It took at least a half hour just to get her a phone number and she wouldn't even give me her name. She wouldn't provide me her registration. I had given her all mine and assured her I would call my agent first thing in the morning but there was not much I could do if she wouldn't do anything but stomp around me and yell about how terrible this was and it was going to devastate her life and refuse my offers of help and assurances that it would be taken care of. I told her I would leave, actually thinking this would be better as well. I was also tired of being abused and said so. Of course that created outrage and I probably shouldn't have said it....her guy friend said, Hey, you are the one that hit her and YOU'RE UPSET? I replied that yes I was. I had apolgized, I had given her all the information I could, took responsiblity and offered even more help but she was refusing to give me any information or accept help from me so there wasn't much more I could do but stand there and take it and I didn't think that was necessary.

I was trying to remain calm throughout all this but I must admit I was crying. It was just so frustrating to deal with this woman. I understood her anger but I couldn't fix it. I just had her phone number and her plate at that point. Figured that would be enough for the agent..but that last exchange got her more upset so she called the police. I said that would probably be a good idea and I'd be happy to stay for that. And I told her that she might as well get her registration now because the police would want it. That is when she finally gave me her name and address. She couldn't find her registration though her plate indicated that she was current. When the police finally came and in our small town, you don't get just one squad car, you get 2, plus a fire engine and an ambulance, she sent them away...I talked to them briefly..showed them my truck, her car. I said do you need to be here? And he said not if she didn't want them..and I don't think I needed them. So they all left.

She has a lot of stuff going on apparantly and she did finally speak to me and she apologized and said she undestood it was an accident but that she had kids at home, father slipped on the ice, she needs her car to work and she didn't know what to do, so I am trying not to take it personally except for the part that I DID devastate her vehicle. And I accepted her apology. Told her I understood. But between you and me, she really was horrible. Hard to believe we just came out of a healing service. Her car was drivable at least though after her friend and another man used the ties my husband has for his bikes to tie up her grill. I was practically throwing the ties at them I wanted to help so desparately. I made another mistake at that point as well, I suggested that perhaps her friend could drive her car home as she was so upset...I offered to follow and bring him back to the church and then the other gentleman offered to do the same. She really was in no condition to drive. We had actually hugged when she apologized...I may have smelled alcohol, I don't know. It was more her anger I think. Maybe I just wanted to smell alcohol to justify her behavior, we had just come out of church afer all. But that really pissed her off even more. She said....I don't need YOUR concern. So I backed off and turned it over. It seemed like that was all I could do was back off..she wouldn't let me leave..but I couldn't do anything either. Maybe if she accepted any help from me, I could no longer be the bad guy in her life. She ended up jumping in her car, speeding off, leaving her friend who was going to drive and the man who was to follow in the dust. I hope she made it home. That's all I need to hear, that she crashed into a tree on the way home or worse. I guess all I can do is pray for her but that is going to be difficult.

The good part of all of this, except for her and her male friend (and he really wasn't that bad, just trying to support his friend and busy with making the car drivable), the other people hanging around to help were all quite nice. Very empathetic to me and my dilemma. Of course that just made me cry more. But the other gentleman who was helping her friend tie on the grill, the women in his car who were waiting (one of whom had just shared at the service that today was her 22nd anniversary of sobriety and the day of her first chemo treatment), the minister and his wife, just very nice, kind and thoughtful. And they all seemed to know her yet they were very kind to me. I was the stranger of the group. So I guess I'll try to focus on that instead of the additional burden I accidentally placed upon this woman. And I know that is what it was. I was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Been there myself. Done that. But you know, I like to think that had I been in her circumstance I would have handled myself with more compassion and understanding. Yes, it would have been a pain in the butt, but I would have accepted it. I don't think I would have treated another person like that. I hope not. And that is all because of Alcoholics Annonymous. And because of AA I will try to let this experience go..not harbor any resentment for the treatment, take responsibility for my actions...and learn how not to be a punching bag. And for this I am grateful.

Anyway, I think I'll walk to Unity from now on...and I probably won't go alone anymore... I'll make sure my friends are there too. I need someone to defend me when I can't defend myself. Thanks for "listening". Maybe I can sleep now.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Thank you God.

Goodbye to Grace

Part of the method of Centering Prayer, which I try to practice twice a day, is to utilize a sacred word to signify your intention to be open to the presence of God. The word itself has no meaning, but merely something you return to (ever so gently) when you become aware of the inevitable thoughts and feelings that you become engaged in during the silent prayer.

The purpose of Centering Prayer is not to empty your head of thought but merely to allow them to pass by...Thomas Keating says they are like the boats on the river...we want to focus on the river. So anyway, as you may guess, my sacred word for the last year has been Grace. Again, the word in relation to the prayer has no meaning but I liked the word and what it means and I have been comfortable with it.

Suddenly as I was praying (meditating) yesterday morning or maybe it was the day before, the word Arise came to me. You cannot change your sacred word in the middle of your prayer..as that would signify engaging in thought...so I went back to my sacred word, Grace, and continued on. Then throughout the day yesterday and then again this morning the word Arise kept appearing to me. In a reading, in a song, in a thought. So, after a year, I can only assume that I was meant to change my sacred word to Arise. I remember when we were at the retreat back in March and this woman asked the faciltators..what if your sacred word wants you to dance? To be honest, I thought it was a ridiculous question and mocked her throughout the year. Not very graceful. But I suppose it could be and if that is what is speaking to her then why not? Not sure if we are to share our sacred word. I don't think it is secret or anything but I felt the need to write about it because it just seemed so apparent that I was being spoken to. Which can be a bit disconcerting. It's amazing the things that are appearing in my life these days and I am so very grateful for it all.

So Arise...ever so gently.

photo by: http://haerold.us/

Ambition to Meaning

I saw this movie yesterday and it was wonderful...I highly recommend this to all, no matter where you are in your journey. Not a documentary..a real film...I was very blessed to participate in a discussion afterwards which brought up a lot of issues for me to think about...in my own spiritual journey and how I share or not share that with my husband and children.

I was not a Wayne Dyer fan...did not know too much about him..just his real early stuff as a motivational speaker, Your Erroneous Zones, etc. so I suppose I practiced the contempt prior to investigation and approached this movie with a grain of salt but I am glad that the program of AA has taught me to remain open, honest and willing because otherwise I would have missed a wonderful experience and an opportunity to learn more. Even better, he's one of us and discusses his experience with putting down the drink 21 years ago...he doesn't mention AA and of course that would break annonymity but if you listen you certainly can hear the principles at work. Just a very thought provoking movie....so much to think about and to appreciate and Wayne Dyer is one of them.

How cool is this!

I am sitting home alone tonight and its awesome. Woke up late this morning...rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth and washed my face and went to the morning meeting...WITHOUT COFFEE. Thankfully we had some there waiting for me, along with Dennis, the gentleman who has told me to keep smiling since I walked in the door. He helped me so much...because even when I didn't feel like smiling I did just so he would think I was okay. Of course he knew I wasn't but he kept that message to me as he stood by the entrance with his cigarette and coffee. This morning, there he was again, all smiling and cheerful at 6:45 am. I wasn't so cheerful this morning and I wasn't quite smiling. I need that first cup of coffee first...but I could tell him that I was smiling on the inside....didn't need to fake the outside smile anymore. Came home after the meeting and launched into the financial aid forms I need to fill out so that my kids can go to college. Since my son will be a freshman, we need to fill these out early and estimate our tax returns, which takes some doing. I finished that up...took a nice nap...and then puttered around my kitchen.

I have sent my husband to Mohegan Sun to see Cheech & Chong as a Christmas gift. I told him I was ambivalent about going with him and suggested he call a buddy which he did. They will spend the night..and I am grateful to have given my husband this gift. He doesn't get out as much as I do. He just doesn't have the network that I have now in sobriety. He doesn't have meetings and not that many friends so I am glad he gets a night out with a friend...My son is out as usual and here I am.

This is a night I would have relished to drink alone. Instead, I am cozy in my house, surrounded by books, watching a c-span program on the history of the white house. My notebook is next to me as I am about to embark on Step 4 again, this time in more detail. I have to list the people, institutions and principles I have had resentment towards to begin with. I didn't go to a meeting tonight though I had planned to. I was just too cozy and warm and its just too cold out. I really like being comfortable and this is only possible because of my sobriety through the program of Alcoholics Annonymous.

I made calls yesterday to some women I have not seen in the halls in awhile. Didn't reach any of them but I hope they hear my voice and know we are waiting for them when they are ready. That is the only way I will stay sober, to continue to reach out...not to rest on my laurels...and though I stayed home tonight I am by no means on my laurels...Thank You God.

Liberation

"There exists a mystic Power that is able to transform your life so thoroughly, so radically, so completely, that when the
process is completed your own friends would hardly recognize you, and , in fact, you would scarcely be able to recognize yourself.

It can lift you out of an invalid's bed, and free you to go out into the world to shape your life as you will. It can throw open the prison door and liberate the captive.

The Power can do for you that which is probably the most important thing of all in your present stage: it can find your true place in life for you, and put you into it.

This Power is really no less than the primal Power of Being, and to discover that Power is the divine birthright of all men."

....the kingdom of God is within you (Luke 17:21)

from Around the Year with Emmet Fox...January 1

I am so grateful that AA has allowed me to find that Power and to begin my spiritual journey. Without AA none of this would be possible. My New Year's Eve was very nice. I began my day with a meeting. Went to work and got out early.....due to ANOTHER snow storm here in New England. Watched An Officer and a Gentleman...and contemplated how I am still waiting to be carried out of my paper bag factory. Took a long winter's nap. Spent some time online with blogdom, facebook and my online group. Went to a lovely dinner with my husband..early bird special, around the corner and no waiting or chaos. Came home, spent more time with my online buddies and then watched Tropic Thunder with my husband. Good movie....hysterical actually. Then prayer and meditation as we welcomed in 2009. A kiss for husband, called and texted my children and happily off to bed. Started today with a meeting, then prayer and meditation, checking in with you all and soon brunch with my husband and son. Then off to an open house with my stepsisters. Maybe hit a meeting tonight at a group looking for support. I can't think of anything better than this. It's freezing here...hope to have a fire going most of the day. I am blessed to have tomorrow off as well so I can enjoy a peaceful day today and then launch into the financial aid applications for colleges for now BOTH of my children, Life 101 stuff.

I wish you all the blessings and peace of the New Year....