Running on Empty

It's been a crazy week. Well not crazy really but busy. I've been working several newcomers including my sponsee. Actually they are not so new, they are in and out and could be considered chronic relapsers. Tough crowd. And then there's me. They know more about the program of AA than I do in terms of what the Big Book says and prinicples. The difference is that once I got here I have stayed (so far), I live it. I don't think these gals have ever really lived it. Its a fine line between being accesible and helping and getting manipulated. I'm trying to learn where that line is with the help of my sponser and other women in the program. Thank God for them. I am learning that there are alot of screwed up people out there and regardless of their length of sobriety or what they say at meetings they live lives that are spiritually corrupt. I''m not naive but you leave yourself vulnerable when you are open and honest and we want to feel safe and that everyone is on the same plane but the fact is we are not. And when a struggling alcoholic comes across one of these people its doomsday. I had to essentially extract an alcoholic from one of these situations. I wanted to scream at the offending party who's got like 18 years or something and should know better and then I realized that while he may have the physical part of this disease down, the emotional, mental and spiritual are lost right now and he is just as sick as the woman who is still drinking. Thankfully I was able to help in that moment. But I have to know that it is not within my grasp to "fix" it. I can just be there with my hand out. But I do have to be really careful not to let this consume me. Not to allow my family to take a back seat or my responsibilities or program. This is a part of it but so is prayer and meditation and my family and I must admit I'm struggling there.

And Hank tagged me with regards to Step 1 and that is amazing in and of itself because I've talking about Step 1 all week. It seems to me that many of us when we get here have admitted that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. That's why we look for help, things are out of control and we don't know what to do. We learn through trial and error that we cannot seem to quit by ourselves. Being powerless over alcohol to me meant that I was drinking without my permission. No matter how determined I was one minute, the next minute I was drinking. I could rationalize my way to a bottle at any moment. I woke up every morning, sick, hungover, shaking yet by the afternoon I was drinkiing again and not stopping at one. My behavior was inconsistant with who I claimed to be, with my values. But it didn't matter I still drank. My life was unmanageable because of that. I was not in control of situations, plans anything because alcohol was ruling the day. One of the women I'm working with said that she didn't think I was a real alcoholic. I couldn't be in her eyes because I got sober and I'm happy. But once I shared some of my "escapades" she could understand. They seem so far away now. I am so grateful for that.

And to carry it futher....

So it occurred to me that if we can admit we are powerless then what we are left with is a choice (oldtimers correct me if you see it differently). If we don't have the power then our choice becomes where the power lies. Does it lie with King Alcohol or does it lie elsewhere? And if you can agree to choose that the power lies elsewhere then you have come to believe in a power greater than yourself and alcohol. Now that can be AA, the group, or better yet a God of your understanding. To me they are one in the same because the God of my understanding lives in people. Then the second part of that step is came to believe that the power can restore you to sanity. If you have chosen King Alcohol as your power then, sadly I would have to say, no it won't. But if you choose otherwise then remember that it says CAN restore you to sanity. It doesn't necessarily say WILL. So if you have doubts about what that Higher Power can do, can't you at least give it a shot and see what happens? The rest of the steps explain how you WILL be restored.

So please share your thoughts on Step 1: I'm taggin' everyone.