Blogging WITH Obligation

I haven't been able to get myself to blog. I like the blogging without obligation sentiment but I do feel an obligation in some sense to myself and the people here I have come to rely on for sage wisdom and inspiration, not to mention entertainment. A couple of things could be contributing to this, 1) I got away from it when I fell and had trouble sitting, 2) I am more active in my online AA group (I'm actually a moderator now) and then 3) and what I think is really going on is my therapist had suggested that I keep the more personal stuff in a separate journal in an effort to create a boundry. I think this is a good idea but it has resulted in me not writing at all. And now I'm entering my sixth step and I need to be willing to speak my truth. I have a hard time doing that in just a journal format. I have tried to keep my blog recovery oriented as opposed to a log of past injustices, escapades and the like. But they creep in as self discovery creeps in and by blogging it as opposed to just journaling it keeps me honest. I am much more likely to lie to myself than I am to others. I think I need the accountability. Anyway here I am for today.

Two things going on...

I have to write a letter to my deceased father. His death almost 10 years ago keeps coming up as high on my timeline in terms of pain. I was talking about it in therapy when she gently asked...do you miss him? Well, wahhhh! The waterworks flowed. She sheepishly said she did it on purpose and suggested a letter. Not an amends letter but a letter about everything, what I miss, what I wish, how stuff made me feel, etc. I think this will be very helpful though painful. I have to read it next week.

A woman who used to work in this office snubbed me yesterday. She left unhappily a few years ago. We were both hired at the same time though I advanced and she didn't. Mind you, it was just she and I as paralegals with our boss, the attorney so it was very uncomfortable sometimes. But I got the raises she didn't and honestly, she just didn't get it. She wanted to do paralegal work but she was barely capable of filing correctly. She wasn't flexible in her hours nor willing to go the extra mile. But I liked her and covered for her a lot and we both had each other to vent to with regards to our boss's demands and personality. Anyway, she finally decided to put her foot down and ask for a raise. This was around the time that she had made a major mistake and we had a lot of backtracking to do to fix it. I didn't cover for her that time and he said no so she left in a huff. I figured she resented the fact that I did not cover for her this time. For her when it counted. But it was just something I could not do. That is what I thought happened. She was in another office in our building yesterday, looked right at me and then looked away. She's in real estate now and it wasn't appropriate for me to say anything at the moment so I just kept going. She could have smiled or nodded or even said hello but she didn't. I think I did smile at her so of course I felt awkward. Anyway I mentioned it to my boss and he claimed that at the time she had gone in and said it was either her or me. And that was why she left because he chose me. I don't believe him. That is not what I remember and he and I talked extensively about it at the time. I told him that and he said maybe it wasn't those words but that's what it was. This is what I can't stand about working here. How the truth can be twisted. The nature of the practice of law I suppose but it's very hard to reconcile speaking my truth to working here. I don't really care about this woman and whether she likes me or not. I'm just not used to being not liked and I wonder if she has the right facts or if they are twisted. I am comfortable with my behaviour during that time so I guess I have no business being involved in her truth. Needed to share it to get it out of myself. And now its over.

The Promises

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." pg 83

I don't think I'm all there YET. But for the most part I do see them coming to fruition in my life. And more importantly I am willing to continue to work for them. Sometimes I cannot believe I am on this journey. I feel detached from it. I had a conversation (in my head) with my aunt, telling her that I am an alcoholic, finding AA and finding a Higher Power. I want to tell her because we talk alot and it feels dishonest not to tell her. That is something that came out of my fifth step. For someone who could be considered "chatty Kathy" I have issues with communication. Kind of ironic. Poor communication or no communication has followed me all my life. Either on my part or the part of those closest to me. Which is really a form of dishonesty. And why do I hesitate the conversation... because I fear rejection. When I can have a conversation such as this and there are many other conversations I need to have, when I can speak MY truth and not hide behind others' I guess I will have accomplished Step 6.

I'm Still Here:)

I haven't been around basically because I unfortunately slipped down my staircase this weekend and bruised my tailbone so it was very painful to sit at my computer for any length particularly since I must at work. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with y'all through the weekend. I am fine and getting better as long as I remember my advil and use my heating pad. The good news is that the fall was not caused by the fact that I was drunk. I just simply slipped. I don't have carpet on my stairs so no padding. My charming husband said that perhaps we would have to move to single floor living as I must be getting too old to handle stairs. Give that man a kick in the arse for me will you? I can't quite lift my leg:)

Speaking of stairs, I did my fifth step yesterday with my sponser and I can testify to those of you who are struggling or new that the answer is in the steps. How and when you do them is individual or should I say, a collaboration between you, your sponser and God and of course what is outlined in the Big Book, but the point is, if you want to not only get sober, but stay sober and live a sober life, you must take the steps. And what you hear and what you read about them is true. I was able to have a deeper connection with my Higher Power when I took that hour once my sponser and I were through. I was exhausted but clear. And this morning and even last night, dare I say I felt happy? I've tried to be positive throughout my 8 months because I believe in the power of postive thinking but I don't think that happy was a part of the equation. I think it is possible now. I just feel very blessed. So I know I still have a long way to go but I like where I am today. Last night I went to a step meeting and they were on the fourth step. Having just done my fifth I read it with new meaning and clarity. It felt as though I had written it. I had read it before several times in different groups and it kind of filled me with anxiety....and I'm not sure I understood it. Last night not only understood it, I felt it.

I also had an experience with 12 stepping this week, though I didn't really know it at the time. She is a sick and suffering alcoholic who has been coming to meetings as long as I have but the most she has been able to string together is 37 days. She has been getting progressively worse the last few weeks. We talk on the phone and while she believes she is powerless, her life is unmanageable and in a higher power, she does not believe that she (because she is oh so special) can be restored to sanity. The other morning she came to the meeting drunk as she has for the last few times. She had decided she needed detox. Then she got sick as in blew chunks. She had downed a part of a bottle of Nyquil so that she could pull herself together to make the meeting. I took her from the meeting while she did so and another woman came to join me in talking to her. Thank God. I did not understand that what we were doing was 12 stepping and she was upset that this other woman joined us but I was grateful and she explained that we do not 12 step alone. I had no clue that's what I was doing, I was just reaching out. I won't go into detail about our conversation but it was brutal and painful. She cannot see her way out right now and is very resentful of our "what's good about today" group because of the gratitude expressed there. She is stuck in the bitter morass of self pity. We prayed with her. She got hugs but she took off instead of allowing us to drive her home. I had to really let go. That's hard. I called my sponser because I of course was ready to go beyond what she needs or is ready for at this point so my sponser helped me to make my boundry. She did get home safely. But hopefully she gets herself into detox. She may end up in jail as well as she is on probation and blew a positive on her drug test. But she has continued to come to meetings so that's something. So thanks for listening and please add her to your prayers. She needs it as does her little boy.

Pain is Nobody's Fault

I know, I know, I'm full of prayers lately...just seems to be where my head is at. This was a prayer that was part of the retreat I attended in January...it has clicked with me and I finally emailed the retreat director who sent me a copy today. I share with you.....

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to end war;
For we know that You have made the world in a way
That humans must find their own path to peace
Within themselves and with their neighbors.

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to end starvation;
For You have already given us the resources

With which to feed the entire world
If we would only use them wisely.

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to root out prejudice,
For You have already given us eyes
With which to see the good in all people
If we would only use them rightly.

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to end despair,
For You have already given us the power
To clear away slums and to give hope
If we would only use our power justly.

We cannot merely pray to you, O God,

to end disease,

For You have already given us the great minds with which
To search out cures and healing,
If we would use them constructively.

Therefore we pray to You instead, O God, For strength, determination, and your will,
To do instead of just to pray,
To become instead of merely to wish.

Happy Valentine's Day

FLORAL DELIVERY TO YOU............ I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here

than a whole truck load when I'm gone ..

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But Only God Keeps You Going!

More from Mother Teresa

Always be faithful in little things, for in them our strength lies. To God nothing is little. He cannot make anything small; they are infinite. Practice fidelity in the least things, not for their own sake, but for the sake of the great thing that is the will of God, and which I respect greatly.

Do not pursue spectacular deeds. We must deliberately renounce all desires to see the fruit of our labor, doing all we can as best we can, leaving the rest in the hands of God. What matters is the gift of your self, the degree of love that you put into each one of your actions.

Do not allow yourselves to be disheartened by any failure as long as you have done your best. Neither glory in your success, but refer all to God in deepest thankfulness.

If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. The Lord has willed me here where I am. He will offer a solution."

Top Ten Signs You May Be in Recovery

10) You drink more coffee per day than Starbucks in one week.

9) Emails to your friends have "HALT" as the subject header.

8) You and your buddies get thrown out of expesso bars and teahouses for being "too rowdy."

7) For parties with your friends, you but a couple cases of Mountain Dew and Pepsi-Cola.

6) Dining out, you wonder how someone at the next table can drink half a glass of wine and leave the rest.

5) There is at least one magnet on your refrigerator, plaque on your wall, or bumper-sticker on you car with an inspirational message printed on it.

4) You don't know the last names of most of your best friends.

3) If you need advice on money, you ask the guy in your meeting who used to be bankrupt.

2) When you empty your purse or pockets you find at least one of the following: an anniversary chip, scrapes of paper with phone numbers on people you met in meetings, pocket-sized Big Book, wallet-sized Preamble.

And the number one sign you may be in recovery:

1) No matter how bad a day you had, if you go to bed sober, you consider yourself a winner.

Eight Months

THANK YOU GOD

Don't Drink, Ask for Help, Go to Meetings

It's not just that is it? I mean, its a start and I understand for many people that is all they can do for awhile. And as my sponser tells me if you stayed sober today you're doing good. But its the program of Alcoholics Annonymous that gets you to sobriety and a sober life. I talked to my sponser about that because I have been struggling with this for awhile. I had to do more than that to stay sober so far....being Secretary of a meeting, going on committments, working the steps with a sponser, reading the Big Book, 12 x12 & Came to Believe, Joe and Charlie, connection with my Higher Power through prayer, reaching out to other alcoholics, LISTENING, journaling (well, blogging), and more. I'm a work in progress but I have had to do all of these things to some extent to stay sober. I don't think if I were just doing half measures I'd be sober. And isn't the three things above just half of the program. You find the program through them but you do have to find it and then work it. There has been some people in my meetings who are relapsing or struggling. They don't understand why because they are not drinking, asking for help, and going to meetings. Do they have a sponser? No. Are they working the steps? No. Are they of service? No. Have they prayed? Maybe.

I'm trying to watch my ego here and I'm trying to stay open minded but its tough sometimes when you just want to shake someone and say, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.

Inner Child

I haven't changed a bit! Do I look defiant? I know the phrase "inner child" is on the BS Bingo I posted a while back but amazingly enough it came up in therapy last week. So you can all stand up and yell bullshit!! I forget how the subject came up but I talked about how I don't really have any warm fuzzy family memories of my childhood. I mean, I remember playing with my brothers, or fighting with them. I can remember some stuff with my friends, but I really don't remember my parents much. They were there but I don't remember any feelings. I have very few memories of doing anything with them. A few, yes, but very few. You know, like when people talk about how their Mom made them special cookies, or their Dad took them to a ball game. There is none of that. When I got past 3rd grade I remember being embarrased because they weren't like other parents and that intensified in junior and high school. How they were different I could never articulate and I still can't. And as an adult I just thought and still do to some extent that it wasn't important or that it was normal not to remember your childhood. What memories I do have are the negative ones or what I was told happened or are in pictures like this one.

I just recently began to remember getting spanked with my Dad's belt. Probably beaten is more like it though I did not grow up feeling abused. It was our way of life. It's just looking back on it that I realize it might have been. When we were bad my Dad would put his hand on his belt buckle to try to keep us in line. And if we weren't we were beaten with the belt. Over the bed, sometimes bare butt. It happened alot. My mom rarely spanked but one time she tried to hit me with the belt too and she used the wrong end so I got hit with the buckle. I remember spending a lot of time in my room, not by choice but because I was punished. I didn't talk about any of this with my therapist, yet. It just came back to me since our last meeting. We talked about how yes, my basic needs were met but not my emotional needs and perhaps that explains why I was so willing to settle for less or felt less than most of my life. Anyway I thought I should try to process some of this stuff so here I am writing.

And then this morning, I felt compelled to attend the 9:30 meeting down the street. I usually just go to my 7 am morning meeting on Saturdays. But basically, I was avoiding doing my bills and housework (as I still am and have been for weeks:) and decided to check out this meeting that a few of my AA friends attend. It was a big meeting and I identified with the speaker as usual. As we got close to the end and people were sharing, the subject of parents waiting up for people began to come up in how our drinking affected other people. I began to feel weepy and realized that my parents NEVER waited up for me. I always snuck in and never got caught. Whether they were really sleeping I don't know but they certainly never confronted me. They were just never there for me. It makes me feel very alone. I am not saying they didn't love me, I am sure that they did, I know my Dad did. I don't know. It just is. I also remember stealing money from them when I was in high school. Lots of it. I'd use it to buy drugs and alcohol. Never a word said. Never caught. Yet I'd get grounded for eating my brother's Ho Ho's (from a munchie run) or wearing my mother's knee his. At least that's how I remember it. I think I know why I needed to go to that meeting this morning. More was revealed and apparently I needed a little God nudge.

I am so grateful for this program of AA. It is helping me to peel the onion as they say. The steps are helping me to stay sober and to learn to live a sober life. The present and the future. I am using therapy to help me understand why this happened to me and how, the past. I firmly believe that I have a disease that is organic in nature but I also believe that outside influences fed that disease. For me, therapy helps to to identify the source of my defects and will hopefully allow me to give them up just a bit more freely. My sponser and I finally scheduled my fifth step which I am looking foward to doing in a scary, anticipatory way. Like when you're waiting in line to ride the roller coaster.

Oh yeah and I have a new sacred word to use in my centering prayer. I started with Deep Peace but that wasn't quite doing it for me. I moved to Be Still because I begin with the prayer Be Still and Know That I Am. But I am now going to use GOMU. God of My Understanding. I like it.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Michael over at Continuing Adventures of a Jedi Mastr. Anyway here are the rules:• Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages• Open the book to page 123• Find the 5th sentence• Post the next 3 sentences• Tag 5 more people . So, I'm sorry folks but I am at work. The closest book is the New Massachusetts Business Corporation Act:

Any shareholder's total liability for all claims under this section on account of distributions in liquidation may not exceed the total amount of assets distributed to the shareholder in liquidation.

A proceeding by or on behalf of the corporation under this section is barred unless it is commenced by: (1) in the case of a distribution not in liquidation, 2 years after the date on which the efffect o the challenged distribution was measured under subsection (e) or (g) of section 6.40; (2) in the case of a distribution in liquidation by a corporation in dissolution under PART 14, the later of the time specified in the preceding clause (1) and 6 months after the end of the two-year period referred to in subsection (d); or (3) in the case of distribution in liquidation by a corporation not in dissolution, as described in the second clause in the last sentence of subsection (h) of section 6.40, three years after the date on which the effect of the challenged distribution was measured under subsection (e) or (g) of section 6.40.


A proceeding under subsection (b) against a director of contribution or against a shareholder for reimbursement is barred unless it is commenced by the later fo (1) two years after the date on which the effect of the challenged distribuito was measured under subsection (e) or (g) fo section 6.40, and (2) 6 months after payment to the corporation on account of liability under subsection (a) of this section by the party seeking contribution or reimbursement.

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I DRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who to tag: How about Pammy, Judith, Scout, MC, and Syd

Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video

You know, I began to have hope when I could see how alcoholics annonymous was working in the lives of other people. And then I began to see it working in my life. Through AA I have been able to find a God of my understanding and I am now able to live a new and sober life. I am starting to feel this way about our country. So maybe its not kosher to be political here but its who I am and I have hope. I love having hope.

GO PATS!!

Today is the Super Bowl. We are getting together with another couple as we do every year to watch. This year is special because our team is in it. They have not only the opportunity to win the game but to go undefeated as well. It shall be fun. This used to be a big drinking occasion for me. When we'd get to their house my friend's husband would usually have some special drink to start with, a margarita, martini or some other concotion. Of course I would have started earlier at home. I always had to be lit before I even got somewhere. Once we finished with the "special" drinks, I would move to wine and he would move to beer. Although I think I enjoyed shots of tequila last year. We were the drinkers. Needless to say I always ended up wasted. Curled up on the couch. Dozing (passing out) during the game. My husband and my best friend do not really drink. So this year my friends husband will be all alone in his revelry. My husband will have a few beers but that'll be it. Anyway, we've got great food planned. I'm bringing marinated steak tips, ceaser salad and brownies. They are going to have wings, ribs, and other football eating food along with the rest of the fixins for brownie sundaes. I'll be armed with my diet coke and tea. Lets' all say a prayer for the New England Patriots.

And even if you don't like football or the Patriots there is a reason to watch girls, well and some boys:)! You may catch a glimpse of my beloved Tom Brady!! He's worth the price of admission alone. I used to think he was a dog because he got his girlfriend pregnant and didn't go back to her. But I decided that she finagled the whole thing and he is doing the honorable thing. I like it better that way. My brother has actually met him as he is an editor for a famous sports magazine. He says he's a nice, humble guy and I like that.


Anyway, thanks for the great advice about my "resentment". I talked to my sponser about it yesterday. She said to pray for her. Ask God to bless and love her and then I will be able to let it go. She also felt that it would be okay to leave the group and that wouldn't be a sign that I was harboring the resentment. The group has gone in a different direction anyway, so I will use that as an excuse but I may tell one person what happened so that should the group get together without this person I can still pop in to see everyone. Just wouldn't be comfortable otherwise.


Have a great Sunday everyone.

GO PATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Resentment

Okay, tell me what I should be doing. The other night I was told of this amazing opportunity to become a "greeter". We have a local air force base that is often a refueling stop for troops arriving home or leaving. As a greeter, we welcome them or send them off. Let them know they have our support and love. Since it is a refueling stop their families are not there. Anyway, an aquaintance of mine, can't quite call her friend, told me about this and I agreed to go. Great opportunity to support our troops. I was to meet at her house at 6:50. We needed to arrive at the base by 7:40. It takes about a half hour. I was 10 minutes late. Rang her bell no answer. I did not have her phone number so called another friend and called her cell. No answer. I tried for about 15 minutes worried that she could have overslept on her nap, she has been ill and said she was taking a nap prior. When I arrived home I had a message from her that she just couldn't wait. She was worried about adhering to military time. By that time it was definately too late for me to head up by myself. Unfortunately she did not have my cell so perhaps we could have avoided the miscommunication. Anyway, since she wasn't answering her cell, I sent her an email apologizing for being late, we apparently missed each other by 5 minutes.

When she returned she replied to my email, just saying she'd know better next time, that time had not been such an issue as she thought and she had her times wrong. Never really apologized to me for the inconvenience. We saw each other again at our book group last night and she shared with the group what the experience had been like. She had invited all of us but I was the only one who had accepted. I shared why I had not participated, that I had been late, that she had not waited, that I had been worried that she was ill. I don't feel she properly acknowledged or apologized. In fact I feel slighted. In fact, I'm kind of pissed. 5 f*cking minutes??? I do take responsibility. But I guess I feel like she didn't. I just think it was extremely rude. Then she said it was a great marketing moment. (She's a salesperson). I thought that sucked and defeated the purpose. I really perhaps just have a problem with this woman.

Anyway, I'm over it. At least she shared the web address of the group and I will arrange my own expedition with my other book group. Perhaps I am just not close enough to these women to share this experience. My other girlfriends would appreciate it more and I believe be more sincere in their efforts. And definately would not leave me in the dust if I was a few minutes late. Okay, I feel much better now. Thanks.