Long Time No Write

I'm still plugging along. Can't seem to get to my fourth step and the future isn't bright since I have a housefull coming tonight and my niece and nephew will be staying for the week. Life is full and I am trying to analyze whether or not I am avoiding the process or if it is simply a matter of life on life's terms and when the time is right I will get to it. Anyway, it's weighing on me. I haven't written because I said what I said, taking time off to do Step 4 and then didn't get it done. I started but it felt wrong and then I stopped. As it is I'm writing this because the boss took a day off and my time is my own today. But that's cheating... See what I mean? I envy the people who can check themselves in for 28 days and just focus on themselves. I need that.

It's all about balance. The other day I didn't go to a meeting. It actually felt good to be normal but I missed it at the same time. Does that make sense? I can't seem to get away from the shoulds. I've got a list yay long of what I think I should be doing. And then of course I don't and then I feel bad. So I take a nap. I am beginning to love naps. Never could do it before. My list is too long and has too much stuff on it and I know, I 've got to live in the day. Someone said at a meeting they needed to slow down and I said yes that's me but then someone else said they had to be careful of slowing down to the point of sloth and I said yes that's me too. I am learning but I'm getting beat up, (mostly by myself) in the process. My husband is supportive but at the same time he misses me when I am at meetings or on the computer. So the last 2 evenings I didn't go to the meetings and we hung out. It was nice. But I'm driving him crazy too. He kept asking about whether we should do this or that to get ready for our guests. I just kept saying, it'll work itself out. I'm not going to worry about it and that's a different me. I'm usually worked up into a frenzy about now. I've just got to find the right balance but I don't know what that is yet so I guess it will be trial and error. I keep thinking there is a "right" way and I'm always looking to get the A in the class. I don't trust myself to know what that right way is. I feel like I'm in a tug of war with myself.

None of this makes any sense but I'm just going to leave it. I can't really stand myself right now. I feel a bit lost. BUT, I don't feel like drinking. And that's a good thing. My niece and nephew are coming and I adore them. My best friend is coming with her daughter and I haven't seen her in 2 years. My brother is coming and he won't show up till midnight so I don't have to worry about having alcohol around. Not sure we'll talk about my drinking or not drinking but I hope everyone sleeps in so I can go collect my 60 day chip tomorrow morning at 7. Let Go and Let God. Gotta love those slogans.