The weekend was wonderful, although we decided that 3 days with Mom was probably one too many:) But we had a great time finding our way through NYC, getting pedicures and seeing the show. Hair was amazing. I teared up from the opening number of Aquarius with nostalgia and when they all got naked it wasn't really a shock but very integral to the theme and during a very emotional song so I was crying then too.....sometimes it seems all I do is cry. It was also a revelation that the song Let the Sun Shine wasn't really a joyful song but more of a plea. Again, very emotional. And Rent. What can I say about Rent? I have seen this show many, many times. I love the music and the message. I never saw the original Broadway production and seeing it with original cast members, Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, was a HUGE difference. They ARE Mark and Roger. If this show travels to your area, do yourself a favor and go see it. The rest of the cast of this particular tour was very good as well.

Sadly while I was away I learned a friend of mine had passed away from breast cancer and her service was Saturday. She lived on the beach and was always very generous to our family, allowing us to park at her home to use the beach. I worked with her daughter and we partied together often back in our waitressing days. A friend who attended the memorial told me her daughter had just returned from our local hospital where she was hospitalized due to alcoholism. It sounds like she almost died from withdrawal seizures and had been confined to a wheelchair. My friend told her about me and my sobriety and she wants to talk to me. Maybe she is ready......I won't know but I can reach out to her and tell her my story and carry the message to her. It will be quite different from our middle of the night drunken phone calls when she lived in Key West.

Shining, Streaming, Gleaming, Flaxen, Waxen

Heading out for the weekend. Get to pick up my daughter at a friend's she's visiting in CT and then head to NYC to see the Broadway musical Hair. I am very grateful that my daughter wants to spend time with me and that we share a love of Broadway musicals. I have a particular fondness for the music of Hair as it was my very first album that I got for Christmas of my fourth grade year with my very first stereo. I listened to the album over and over. But I've never seen the show. Movie, yes, but not the show. I gave her these tickets for Christmas and for Mother's Day she invited me to the show instead of a friend. Not sure that would have happened if I was still drinking.

While in NYC we will dog sit for my nephew dog, Rooney, while my brother's family is on vacation. And we get a free place to stay. I know where the meetings are and my daughter and I will get to play city girls. Walking dogs, getting pedicures, seeing the show.

Then we will return home via Boston and see the musical RENT. Both of us are huge Rentheads and this show features the 2 actors who originated the main charachters of Roger and Mark.

No Day Like Today!

Call Your Sponser

I've also been grappling with sponsership. As I discovered, I think one of the underlying motivations in going through the steps again was to avoid this vital aspect of our program. I could justifiably say...No, I can't sponser yet, I'm not far enough along. And in Big Book Step Study this is true. Their group conscious states that you must have completed the process with a BBSS sponser. But in AA this is not true. I have been through the steps once and try to practice them daily, and while I obviously cannot share what I haven't got, I can share what I have. So I've stopped saying no and started saying yes. If they are willing I try to direct them to BBSS because I think that is a great way to go through the steps. But I also know that at 3 months sober I would have probably balked. My sponser actually had suggested I might like their approach way back in the beginning but I in no way wanted a different sponser. I wouldn't even go to the meeting to check it out. Another example of me not following a suggestion. So if my sponsees choose not to go, I can still take them through the BB and the steps, as my sponser did me, to the best of my ability right now and take it one day at a time. I am open with them about where I am and it seems to be working. As long as we are trudging, it's all good. And lest I forget, I of course discussed this with my sponser and my BBSS sponser.

It's a blessing to have someone ask for sponsership and its an honor. I am learning so much and having people call me for support and guidance is a miracle. I don't really feel worthy but I'm working on that. When someone pays me a compliment what am I saying about them if I tell them its not true? And again, the bottom line as always, trust and rely upon God. That third step prayer seems to be working for me and I am so grateful that it has incoporated into my being.

For Best Results, Follow Directions and Wear a Helmut

Hadn't realized so much time had passed without posting. I guess I did but honestly nothing so much has changed in terms of my last post. I am exactly there. Still grappling with the mess but very very grateful for this program and the tools it has given me. In looking over my fourth step I hadn't even put my son on it this go around so I attempted to do that. I had a hard time. All I could think of was what I had done to him. So my sponser suggested I start writing that up. Now that is a tough one....not tough to do...I've got A LOT of resentments towards myself...lots of things I hate about myself, I'm angry that I've done or not done, humilations I've caused myself. It never occurred to me to put myself there until now. Kind of thought it went without saying. WRONG! So yes, its easy to come up with that list...but then its also hard to take. So I have to take it in small bites as much as I'd like to be done yesterday with this writing. The best thing I've heard in a meeting recently was..."FOR BEST RESULTS, FOLLOW DIRECTIONS", so that's what I'm trying to do follow directions for the best result. And bottom line, if I trust and rely on God...all is well.

It's finally beautiful here in New England. Perfect. But we had soooooo much rain. And now its hard to get anything done cause we were stuck inside for so long.

My son lost a childhood friend in a skateboarding accident a week or so ago. WEAR A HELMUT. So sad..the boy hadn't even reached his 18th birthday. I can't even imagine. But I am grateful that I could be there for his parents and that I believe that God is everything and can share comfort in that.

I must have bumped the top of my head on something though I can't remember doing it. Again, very grateful that my lack of memory is not caused by a blackout but merely the fact that I'm a woman of a certain age:) Then again, I can go with this...maybe I don't remember bumping my head because I didn't and the sharp stabbing pain I am feeling on the top of my head is a brain tumor pushing up. And if that's the case, I hope I can go out like Farah Fawcett with dignity and grace...wonder how many people will come to my funeral. And if all my AA friends come, then the rest of my world will know and who cares anyway if I'm dead. Do you see? Fear, doubt and insecurity. I'm looking forward to remembering how I bumped my head or the pain simply going away...whichever comes first and with a little Tyelnol I can help that along.

All right, that's it for today. I'll try not to let so much time pass again. But it is summer and the living is easy.

Made a List

We were discussing Step 8 on Thursday night and I've been mulling this post ever since. As I have written here recently, I am currently writing my fourth step. This is not my first one. I began writing my original fourth step in my 3rd month of recovery. Taking the fifth step with my sponser around the 8th month. I remember discussing the rest of the steps with my sponser, moving on to 6 & 7, was I ready for 8 & 9, etc. She kept asking if I'd made my list. I thought I had (even though it was not in black and white) and I had begun making amends. I made an amends to my best friend and former roommate from high school, to my husband, to my daughter and then I stopped. I stopped because I began the process again. At some point, after attempting to sponser a couple of women and realizing that I wasn't confident in doing so (at least to my liking), I began the steps again, conceivably to get a better grasp. I understood that I had done a thorough and honest inventory but it was the best of my ability at 3 months sober and as I progressed through recovery I felt I could do a better job. And in doing so could perhaps do a better job at helping other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

As we discussed Step 8 Thursday it occurred to me that when my sponser and I had talked about making this list she kept suggesting I write it down. Made a list of all people I had harmed. I didn't do it. Me, who follows all suggestions! I had it in my head. I figured at some point I'd write it down but I didn't and I begain my amends without doing so. And then I stopped making my amends from my air brushed list because I was starting over. I now had a step study sponser with the blessing of my first sponser. We began at the beginning of the book reading it together, taking the third step together and now I'm writing my fourth step. It seemed reasonable to not continue with amends.

But I've been thinking. Is it possible that I started over, not necessarily for the supposedly altruistic motive of better carrying the message and becoming a good sponser, but more because I didn't want to make that list in the first place and continue on with the amends? The next person on the list in my head is my son. A tough cookie to talk to. One who doesn't necessarily want to hear it. One whose sole means of communication is one word responses and one word texts. Am I really simply trying to avoid that? And isn't it better to make that amends to the best of my ability whether or not I am there in the process? My son has a lot of pent up anger and resentment towards me. I am not doing him any favors by not addressing it. Some of it for sure is simply developmental, he's a teenager, just graduated, moving on and separating. Some of it has nothing to do with my alcoholism but simply Life 101 that kids tend to blame their parents for, we had to move out of town, financial matters. But some of it is a direct result of my alcoholism. Can't be easy coming home to your mother who's slurring and swaying or worse, snoring in complete pass out mode. Anyway, I talked about it at the meeting and I'll talk about it with my sponser. It's true what they say, more will be revealed. I had really convinced myself that becoming a better sponser was my motivation to going through the steps again.....and yes, that's part of it.....of course...but I cannot deny anymore that perhaps a bigger part of my motivation was FEAR...fear of making amends....and what they may or may not bring.

Pretty amazing how when your eyes are open to the presence of God, you can suddenly see. Sometimes it takes a hit over the head....it did in this instance. I had to be embarrassed by some woman making a public comment about my son's attitude towards me and my husband. My first reaction was anger and self pity. But thankfully, because I am in recovery, that didn't really even last the car ride home. I took an honest look at myself. The Step 8 meeting came right on the coattails and it became evident to me what was happening. Godsmack.

My Step Sisters

My Tuesday night group is known as the stepsisters. Every single one of those women is a gift that I have received in sobriety. They are truly sisters in the deepest sense of that word. I really love them and they have helped me to learn to express that love. Something that has not been easy for me to do. I can feel it, write it, act it but to say it is like Fonzie trying to say he was s..s....s..orry..if you remember Happy Days. It's different now. And these women helped me, are helping me to get there. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Top Ten Things That Annoy Me Today

It's just one of those days...

1. The woman who said my son's friends all talked about how mean he was to my husband and I. What the eff does she know and why would she share hurtful information in front of a group of people?

2. That when you get to the Dunkin Donuts window after placing your order, you have to tell your order again....not once, not twice..but three times.

3. Why would I want to go to family orientation at university on a day that my son is not attending? What would I be orienting to?

4. I sat on a wet cushion.

5. P does not come after K

6. Over the top thinking

7. The dentists appointment lady called. That's it, she called. Her voice annoys me.

8. Too many questions...and why am I responsible to know the answer?

9. Any other driver..

10. and finally, well not finally but the last thing I'll put down before I turn this all around............texting.....it takes me too long to find the letters on the phone..can't you just call and ask...much quicker.