God Works With Joy

From Oct 12th, Around the Year with Emmett Fox:

"Don't pray or meditate as a duty. Realize that prayer is a visit with God and should be joyous.

Neither must you pursue your secular activities as necessities to be gotten over, that you may return to your prayer. In the light of Truth, there are no secular activities.

You must have regular recreation or you will become stale. Recreation, also, is to be enjoyed-as an expression of God-and not as a task to prepare yourself to pray better. An understanding joy in living is the highest prayer of all.

...in thy presence is fullness of joy.....(Psalm 16:11)"

If you ever have a chance to see Carrie Fischer's "Wishful Drinking" go. She is in Boston until October 26th and I went with a few girls from the program last night. I cannot even describe how much fun we had. Carrie was hysterical in only the way that a 52 yr old daughter of celebrities and a star in her own right who is also an alcoholic,& addict (which she says is like saying you are from Boston and Massachusetts) who suffers from bipolar disease, has had ECT therapy and was forced to wear this hairsyle can be.

I woke up this morning with a terrible headache which I can only attribute to laughing so hard. It started with our 11th step mediation meeting when my friend called me a smart ass and continued until we were wandering around the North End of Boston at midnight trying to find the pastry shop laughing at the silliest things. At least three of us were. One of my friends was more like Debbie Downer and I must admit that it got on my nerves a bit. From the penny pinching as we paid tabs and parking to her straight faced response as she was asked if she was enjoying the show: Oh yes she is very funny..in pure deadpan. Because she has become a friend I think I understand where she is coming from and can empathize but itis hard to include her when she's sort of a joykill. But yet again...here is the reading from Daily Reflections to remind me of how I must handle situations such as these.

"Being fairminded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be loving and tolerant to my loved ones and to those with whom I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories are the key to sound thinking and postive action for me."

I am grateful I didn't express some of my agitation in words but I am afraid it may have reflected in my face at times though I tried hard not to let it. But I think a few exchanged glances may have been perceived and a cause of hurt feelings. And that I do not want to be responsible for. So I will probably need to make an amends to this person. But maybe she just needs more of these experiences in fellowship with other women to let the joy come out. At least that is what I will pray for.

Anyway, it was a blast, so if you can, do something joyful today. Make sure you laugh.

Life is Good

The weather around here is gorgeous. Just a beautiful New England autumn day. Sunny, warm but not hot, cool evenings but not cold.

My boss is away today so I can get some things done (in between blogging).

Tonight one of my girlfriends is having a burn so we'll sit around the fire and chat. These are my book club gals. They changed our monthly meeting date so I can still go. I was going to have to drop out because of my AWOL but they changed the day. That is just so nice. I think they just want me for the numbers. We are a politically mixed group and apparantly the conversation got a bit heated surrounding Sarah Palin. I'm not sure if they want me back to mediate or add to the liberal numbers.

My sponsee is coming home today. I know she wants me to take her to a meeting tonight but I'm going to stick with my plans. I don't want her to get too dependent on me and I can see that happening. I thought I would listen to the Joe and Charlie tapes with her to help us discuss the steps. I learned so much from those guys.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to catching up on my paperwork at home with all the windows open. Then I'll have my meditation meeting, then Centering Prayer workshop and then a group of us are heading into Boston to see Carrie Fischer's one woman show "Wishful Drinking". We'll grab a bit to eat too. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

Then the rest of the weekend just holds promise...beautiful weather, maybe some kayaking, maybe some yardwork, maybe just simply sittin' on my porch with a good book. We'll see. It's grand to be sober and have choices again.

11 months

Not me....I guess about 11 months ago, maybe longer, I met a woman at our Friday night women's meeting. It was her first meeting and we were the only ones there, it was a bit early. I remember in all my 3 months or so, welcoming her and telling her a little of what AA was and what it had done for me so far. She was very scared and you could smell the alcohol on her. She didn't think she was an alcoholic but had been arrested for DUI so had to come. She would introduce herself but not say she was an alcoholic. I gave her my number too but she never used it. Saw her around a few meetings but not often and not regularly. We had an email exchange once or twice. she had heard me tell my story and that a certain woman had talked to me at my first meeting and how much that had meant to me. She wrote to tell me I had done that for her. It was really nice to hear. Anyway, I've seen her at meetings but we haven't really talked. I did notice that if there for the introductions she now identified herself as an alcoholic. She usually sits in the back, doesn't raise her hand...that kind of thing.

Anyway, I had a chance to speak with her yesterday after the meeting. She told me she will have 11 months on Monday. She feels good, she is happy, she never thought she would still be here. How awesome is that! I don't know if she has a sponser, is working the steps or what. But I know she has been sober for 11 months and I got to be there for the first day and will be there for the three hundred and thirty fifth day. We talked about the hand of AA this morning. I am so grateful that I could be one of the hands. I remember the hands that came to me. At my first meeting and the welcome, my first 24 hour chip and the first time I said I was an alcoholic, the first time I read the preamble and the understanding when I cried from either gratitude or fear. My sponser...just so many. And the people who maybe aren't ready to reach out a hand yet but are willing to share their experience at a meeting. That's enough too. How much it helps. How much of a difference we can make in each other's lives. Blessings.

AWOL

I started an AWOL last night. I know there is controversary regarding this in some areas. It's not an AA approved program. They don't announce it in meetings nor is it listed in meeting books. You have to learn about it through word of mouth and so its tough to find out about. It stands for AA Way of Life and is a "meeting" or "class" where you must committ to attend for 26 weeks and you go through the steps in a group. It's pretty popular around here. This particular group uses the Big Book and the 12 x 12 so I thought that was good. Its attended by only alcoholics and facilitated by alcoholics. I talked to my sponser about it and she said I'd already "done" the steps so I didn't need it for that but I think this might help me to better live the steps. She was introduced to the steps through an AWOl back in the day. Its certainly not going to hurt to take a deeper look, at least that was our feeling. The facilitators said there are two reasons to attend, to learn about the steps and to do the steps. Both acceptable but one perhaps more rewarding than the other. I guess I'm just looking for more confirmation that I'm doing the steps the "right" way or maybe I'm just looking for more structure. I don't know why I have to do this all the time. Always seeking to be the "A" student. I'm still wanting to check off those boxes. Thing is, I have found I need to check those boxes every day. Yup, still powerless over alcohol, check. Yup, I believe I can be restored to sanity, check. Yup, turned my will over, check, etc., etc. Anyway, I really don't know what it is. And I'm staying open. Kind of freaked me out that many people were there for the second, third, fourth and even 13th time. I asked about that. There are several reasons. Some people don't complete the full 26 weeks and come back. Imagine that, huge drop off rate around the 4th and 5th step. And then I guess what happens is that working the steps this way becomes a way of life, hence the name. My preconcieved notion is that I've got meetings for that. I've had to give up my Tuesday night meeting for this and I am sad about that but as one woman said, we will be here when you get back. I think maybe some people object to this because there is a danger that some may try to replace their meetings with this but I have no intention of doing that. My meeting schedule will remain the same. I've heard of one in NH that actually sells shirts and hats and stuff, and is in a sense competing with AA. Not cool. This does not appear to be that. So I'll give it a try. I think its similar to reading outside literature, like the Augusten Burroughs book Dry, or Heather King's Parched. Just an enhancement not a replacement. Sort of like going to church. Won't keep you sober but it could help if that is how you understand your Higher Power.

I was going to do this with my sponsee but due to her circumstances she could not go last night. In all honesty, I think I was suggesting it to her because then I wouldn't have to take her through the steps myself, just be with her. Cop out, isn't it? It sounded like she could still go but I don't think I will encourage that and my sponser thinks that is a good idea. Both for her and for me. It doesn't seem like a way to GET sober, and that is what she needs right now. What it may do is give me a better understanding of how I can sponser her and help her through the steps. And having her there may inhibit me. It seemed to me that she wanted to participate because I was not because she wanted it...so....

Still can't believe this is me. But I'm sober and that is the bottom line.

Did I Say That??

I found myself at a new meeting last night. It was at a local hosp that specializes in mental health and substance abuse. Our morning group does commitments there the first Saturday of the month so I was familiar. I got a call from someone there who was looking for support and its a public meeting. Great meeting actually. Locals as well as patients. A good mix of old and new. There were a lot of war stories told...and one guy shared that he tries not to get too involved in the stories (drunkalogues) because he could find himself trying to top it. I remember the first commitment I did there at 30 day sober and I told them I didn't know what my story was at that time. I was still figuring it out. Then I cried. It occured to me that I have a new story now. It doesn't matter how I got here but my story now is how I got sober. Through the program of Alcoholics Annonymous which I jumped into with both feet, without holding my nose and without looking down or back. The old it works if you work it. And basically, if you stayed sober today, you worked it.

At the meeting, I shared a little of this because I wanted those patients to know there was hope. It could be done. And I wanted them to know that faith could lead them there. Faith in whatever, AA, God, as it says a Power Greater Than Ourselves. They just had to have faith in something besides their own thinking. Rely on the opposite of Fear which I've been told is Faith. AA led me to Faith and I am very very grateful. So there I was, talking about being sober, AA, God of our understanding. The whole way home I couldn't believe that this was me. Not that I didn't have faith before, I did but it wasn't an integral part of my life. It was just something out there, it existed, I acknowledged it but didn't want to know it. As my spiritual advisor likes to say, either God is Everything or He is Nothing. So I guess God was nothing and now He is Everything. And around and around I go. This is usually when I stop thinking about it and just let it be. It's good to be sober.

Party

Whew! Glad that's over. Threw a 50th birthday party for my husband this weekend. It turned out really nice. We grew up in another state so that is where most of his friends are. I had to delegate a lot of stuff and wasn't sure how it would come out. One of them has a wonderful yard so offered it up for a bonfire and cookout. Someone else took care of getting the word out. His buddy took care of the beer and so on and so on. I had to buy the hard liquor which amazingly enough did not bother me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about how a shot would do me, woo hoo!.. but it passed. This is a drinking crew and I learned something this weekend especially at my Saturday morning meeting when someone shared when he took his employees out to lunch. He said they had drinks and he wanted them to. And I took that with me. He understood that while he's an alcoholic and cannot drink, that doesn't mean that everyone can't drink. This was a party for my husband and his friends. They drink and they enjoy it. Most of them do not have a problem. I could throw a party and let everyone let loose in whatever way worked for them. For me it does not involve alcohol. I could be there for my husband while he enjoyed his friends. I did not throw up, I did not soil myself, I did nothing to regret, I did not lose my temper, I did not ramble on and on slurring my words, I did not become disshelveled, I was not wild and crazy, I did not hurt anyone, I did nothing to regret. He did not have to worry about cleaning up after me and he could relax knowing that he would not have to drive. It was a good time. Lots of laughs and stories. Lots of memories. Some not so good but I could let it be known that I was not that person anymore. And that felt great!

ps...my sponsee is doing the next right thing and I am very grateful that I could be there for her.

R.I.P.

Paul Newman taught me how to eat a cucumber by Maureen Dowd @ NYTimes

My eating habits were so bad for many years that I didn’t actually know the intricacies of making a salad. So when the man who has made $250 million for charity with Newman’s Own dressings and sauces asked me to help him make a salad in 1986, while I was writing a profile of him for The Times Magazine, I mangled my cucumber so thoroughly that he snatched it away and showed me how to do it.

At a moment when America feels angry and betrayed, when our leaders have forfeited our trust and jeopardized our future, we lost an American icon who stood for traits that have been in short supply in the Bush administration: shrewdness, humility, decency, generosity, class.

When I asked W. in 1999 if he identified with any literary heroes, he said no, but he was drawn to Paul Newman’s defiance in “Cool Hand Luke.” The Texan cast himself as an anti-hero and rebel. But as president, he knew how to strut only in photo-ops, not when actual calamities loomed or hit.

Newman was a rare liberal who loved the label; he made it onto Nixon’s enemies list for supporting Eugene McCarthy’s anti-Vietnam run. In 1997, I called him when he began writing a bit for The Nation (where he was an investor). He ranted about right-wingers “popping out of rat holes” but also faulted the Clintons. “Everything is about what’s winnable, not about the morality of the issues,” he told me. In politics, as in racing cars, he said: “You can do anything if you are prepared to deal with the consequences.”

I was nervous the first time I met the star, because he’d been a teenage crush — along with William F. Buckley Jr. (I loved Buckley’s sesquipedalian dexterity — a lost art in the anti-intellectual conservative set of W. and Sarah Palin.)
We met at a restaurant on the Upper East Side, where he proceeded to interview me.

Newman: “What do you know about nuclear disarmament?”

Dowd: “Ummm.”

Newman: “How can you justify The Times’s editorial position on the moratorium?”

Dowd: “Ummm.”

He was deeply uncomfortable at getting adulation for playacting, acknowledging that “there’s something very corrupting about being an actor. It places a terrible premium on appearance.” With a Butch Cassidy grin, he told me that he pictured his epitaph being: “Here lies Paul Newman, who died a failure because his eyes turned brown.”

He did not want to talk about his movies; he wanted to talk throw-weights. He liked Bach and Budweiser and playing goofy practical jokes. (Once, when we were driving, he began high-speed bumping the car in front of us, driven by his friend.) He was bored by fashion and embarrassed by women who brazenly flirted with him or asked him to take off his sunglasses to show his blue eyes.

Once, when he was handing out punch at a Westport charity event, a dowager asked him to stir her drink with his finger.“I’d be glad to,” Newman replied, “but I just took it out of a cyanide bottle.”

He recalled how utterly flummoxed he was the time a stunning call girl approached him on Fifth Avenue and offered to dispense with her fee. “You want to send her off with something classy and stylish, the way Cary Grant would, or Clint Eastwood,” he said. “You think, how would Hombre handle this? And when this woman came up to me — the guy who played Hud — what comes through? Laurel and Hardy. Both of them.”
He said he was not like his sultry, flamboyant characters: “You don’t always have Tennessee Williams around to write glorious lines for you.”

He and his wife were reputed to have one of the happiest marriages in Hollywood, but the outspoken Joanne Woodward admitted that it took a lot of therapy to cope with the fact that, even though she got an Oscar first, he was able to stay a leading man for four decades. She told a magazine that she was always “uncomfortable and even angry” that “Paul was so much bigger than I was ... Because he was living my fantasy” to be a star. She would not talk to me for The Times’s profile that her husband did to promote “The Color of Money” — even just on the topic of his role as the director of five movies that she had starred in. She said she did interviews only solo or jointly with him — not about him. That byzantine deal reflected the rivalry that threaded through their romance.

He said that he appreciated her, as he looked around his elegant Fifth Avenue apartment, observing dryly: “If anyone had ever told me 20 years ago I’d be sitting in a room with peach walls, I would have told them to take a nap in a urinal.”

He was my favorite.

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