I'm losing my Mind

Just when I think it is safe... The other night, after the meeting I called my sponser on the way home. As I pulled into the driveway I began to gather my things as we were talking to go inside. Got my reading glasses, my keys but something was missing. Oh yeah, my cell phone. So I'm feeling all over the passenger seat for it, not there. Shit, it must have fallen on the floor. Nope. Not there. Check the drivers side floor. Nope. Between the seats? No. All right, it has to be here. Check everything again. Turn on the lights in the car and check again. Oh yeah, my pockets. Pat, pat. Nothing. Well, stop for a minute and listen. Oh, yes, my husband is a wonderful man. This is what I am hearing from my sponser. Okay, well just go inside its here somewhere and it'll turn up. You're just distracted. But, Bill will give me such a hard time if I tell him I lost it...because he's so wonderful. Maybe I left it at the meeting. Picture empty room. I don't think so. But I did put all my stuff down to lock the door. Maybe I left it on the doorstoop. This is what happens when you don't bring your pocketbook, stupid. I could get it in the morning if it doesn't turn up. No, not a good idea. I better go back and check. Start the car, back out of the driveway. CAREFUL, YOU'RE ON THE PHONE! YOU IDIOT! Laugh out loud moment, I know, but I could not believe it. And it freaked me out a little. I'm always looking for stuff. That's normal. But I could literally feel the blank spot in my mind. Total blank. Maybe it reminded me a little too much about how I felt after a blackout.

I did all this while talking on MY CELL PHONE. Racing thoughts, searching, while all the time having a "conversation" on the phone. Clearly I was not present. Part of it had to do with the conversation. We were talking a bit about my husband and some stuff that had happened. This woman is a recent widow and I don't think I should share with her my concerns or negative feelings about my marriage. She is clearly missing her husband and wants for me what she had. My grandmother told me what a lucky girl I was because she saw my husband give my baby a bath. That's a whole other story. My husband is a good man but he is no saint. And we've got issues that are going to have to be dealt with but that has to wait until I have gotten a little further in my recovery. And I should be a bit more sensitive as to who I am sharing with.

Meanwhile, I think I need to practice staying in the moment, let alone the day!

Rainy Days and Mondays

It's raining really, really hard this morning. And I have the day off from work. It's Columbus Day here in America for those of you across the pond and downunder. The day we celebrate when our country was "discovered". Wonder how our Native Americans feel about this day? But that's a discussion for another blog. Today is the type of day that you don't want the alarm set and you just want to roll on over and sleep. That if you do wake up from your inner clock you can just burrow in deeper and let the sound of the rain lull you back to sleep. I love the rain.

But I've got my morning meeting to go to and I give someone a ride every morning. So to do that would require that I call her and tell her she's got to walk in the rain. That's not nice. Once I get to the meeting I will be grateful to be there and when I'm home I will be grateful to be awake because I have a ton of paperwork to do as it is bill week for us and my Mom. And.....it's supposed to rain all day so......NAPTIME!

Went to the football game yesterday. It was a lot of fun and our seats were great. Should be for what I paid. It was a birthday gift to my husband, (well birthday, anniversary and Christmas!) The woman next to me was double fisted the entire game, slugging beer after beer. And of course there were the usual drunken guys behind us. We got there late as well and walking throught the parking lot with the remnants of everyone's tailgate party was disgusting. Spilled food, overflowing trashcans with beer bottles, it just stank of stale beer, garbage and throwup. Then there were the poor souls who couldn't leave the party. Still tailgating and forfeiting their ticket to the game for the next drink.

Anyway, the only desire that came upon me was for a diet coke and fries! That felt good and it was fun. That and the fact that we won, Tom Brady is so cute and my husband and I did a victory chest bump!

Are you ready for some Football?

Going to see the Patriots today. Well my husband is. I'm going to see Tom Brady:) even if he is a dog!

ps: GO SOX!

Kept trying to post the youtube of Simon and Garfunkel singing Feeling Groovy with yesterday's post but it didn't work so please hum. I really hope this isn't the pink cloud I hear tell of.

Had an interesting morning today. After the meeting I really felt like going out to breakfast with my husband so we did and I got there ahead of him and a bunch of people were there from the meeting. I sat and chatted for a few minutes and then got a table for us. I knew that there was a good chance I'd need to introduce him and I knew he'd feel uncomfortable. He really wants nothing to do with this AA stuff. He's happy I'm sober and he wants me to stay that way so he tolerates it because I have told him that this is the only way that is working. He gets that much. But he makes little comments. When I got home from our nursing home commitment last night he asked me how the coven was. I know he's trying to be funny but underneath lies some fear, I'm sure of it.

Anyway, I told him there were people from the meeting and asked him if he wanted to meet them. He said no. But one of the men came over to say good bye. He is one of the first people I connected with at meetings and is a sweetheart. So I introduced them. I could tell my husband felt weird about it but he was sociable and polite. It felt a bit weird for me as well for my AA friends to see and meet my husband. Basically, my two worlds collided this morning. It made everything seem more real to me.

We talked afterwards. I suggested again that he come to a meeting just to see. Or check out Alanon. We'll see. I told him that we had things in our relationship to deal with and of course he said "what things". I said do you really want me to go there because I will. And of course he didn't want to and neither did I. We both are afraid of what will happen if we go any deeper than our day to day lives right now. I'm okay with keeping it like this for awhile. My sobriety is more important to me but I know for me to get well, it's going to come up.

But for today, I am grateful for the laundry, the bills, homemade chicken soup, helping him put up the fence (well, not really that but I did help:), dishes and all the day to day things that keep me in the day.

Feeling Groovy

I've had a very good week. It seems like everything is coming together and I am understanding the program, what it means and what I need to do. I just got a note from one of my girlfriends letting me know how happy she is for me. That meant the world to me. I am listening to Joe and Charley's Big Book Study on my ipod. (http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=category&id=13). One of the things they said that has stuck with me is that Alcohlism is the only terminal illness from which you can recover and come out better than when you came in. I know I am feeling better already and I feel so hopeful. I feel more purposeful. Oh, the issues are still there, surly teenage son, distant husband, intense job, defects of charachter to uncover, mom's finances, and on and on. But I guess I am just seeing it all in a new light. Literally, from the heavens.

I am opening up more at meetings. Building relationships with people from the meetings. They miss me and I miss them if we're not around. We can joke and kid and we can also cry together. I am getting a better understanding of how to use my sponsers and I am beginning to rely on them more and more. And while doing so they are teaching me that I can rely on myself. I am slowing down. Letting it happen. And by doing so it is happening. What a concept.

I'm off to the nursing home. My sponser's sponser is there and we have a meeting for her the first Friday of the month. It is a very powerful meeting and she is a wonderful woman with a positive message despite her circumstances.

Thanks to you all for being here.

I need to go to Bed

But before I do I just read this passage from House of Mirth by Edith Wharton.

"There were in her at the moment two beings, one drawing deep breaths of freedom and exhilaration, the other gasping for air in a little black prison-house of fears. But gradually the captive's gasps grew fainter, or the other paid less heed to them; the horizon expanded, the air grew stronger, and the free spirit quivered for flight."

That's where I'm at right now.

We Practice These Principals in all our Affairs

I haven't been sharing as much recently, I guess because I'm in an absorption phase. The part that says you can't give freely what you haven't got. I've been working on getting it and for some reason my blog has come up short. Wonder if that has anything to do with dumping my life story on it:) Actually, time has been short for me as well. Between later mornings, being busy at work and my son's soccer schedule, let alone my meetings.. my house and blogging are being slighted. But I'm back and I will be catching up with all of you in the next few days. I missed you and I appreciate the check ins and comments. I just read in the Step book that procrastination was just a 5 syllable word for sloth. I like the word procrastination much better, it's softer, but I'm afraid that sloth is a defect or behaviour that I definately can claim as well. Not good because the blogging is a part of my recovery. The journal my sponser wants me to write.


The second half of the title We Practice These Principals in All Our Affairs, that is not in the Big Book is : So we won't have affairs! Laughed out loud from the belly when I heard that this week in a meeting. I shared here about the relationship I had 14 years ago and my sponser and I talked about it a little last night because she opened up about hers. When I was in the middle of this relationship we swore to each other that we would never, ever, no matter what, tell. It was OUR secret. And I held onto it for a very long time. But it feels good to get it out. Not sure I will ever go there with my husband. He was aware enough of the emotional relationship but not the physical one though I'm sure he suspected at the time. I know when I get to the amends part of the steps I will have to consider this but for now.....I'm just working on being honest with myself about it.

One thought I had as I uncover and name these defects of charachter is that for many behaviours I have placed the blame on strictly on being drunk. If I hadn't been drinking, this or that would not have happened. But in reality, the drinking was a symptom of these defects that are the underlying cause of a lot of my problems. It's sort of a chicken, egg kind of thing I suppose. But it seems to me that even though I thought my morality would never allow me to go outside of my marriage the drinking only made it easier for me to do something I was disposed to do anyway. Why??? Well, I'm still figuring that out! But I am so grateful that I am in a place right now that is giving me the opportunity to explore and understand myself. And even more I am grateful for this forum and all of my fellow bloggers that allows me do to so.

Peace.