Yesterday was my 30 days and those "coincidences" kept showing themselves to me. A new friend was celebrating her 1 year at my morning meeting, many of my new blogger buddies had anniversaries and it culminated in last night the speaker was celebrating his 3rd year. But in additon to celebration it was also a day of warnings. I haven't had a desire for a drink but last night there were a few in the room who had just come back after having had that first drink which we know leads to many more.
I know that I could easily talk myself into a cocktail hour in spite of how good I feel and I must remember how many hours the the cocktail hour turned into. And how horrible those hours can make me feel. I can romanticize why I want a drink. I like the idea of a drink...ice cold beer on a hot summer night, crisp champagne for a cool celebration, a red wine glow in a candlelit room, gin & tonic on the veranda, sophisticated martini at a bustling steakhouse... yada yada yada. It's like a really handsome guy (sorry husband) who holds a lot of promise and then you find out he's a liar and a cheat.
I know I am powerless, I have come to believe and I am working on turning it over. That's a tough one for me because I have no practice, not sure how its done but I'm reading through the Big Book, and I like the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions introduced at a Step Meeting I went to, (you know how I like things spelled out) so I feel I will get there. And I've got a sponser now to lead me. Think I finally know what to talk to her about.
I got 2 chips yesterday. Is that legal? One in the morning and at the evening meeting the woman who handed them out wouldn't stop saying one month till I came up. I told them I had gotten one already but they made me come up anyway. It was sweet. I didn't want to keep it because someone at the morning meeting said that can be the only one you ever get. And so its the only one I want. So I gave the second one to my husband. Because he has stuck with me even though I am often not available to him. Between being drunk and now working on sobriety, he's put up with a lot. But he appreciates what I am doing now though I'm not sure he understands it. He did like the chip though. I'm happy to share this journey with him.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Step Sisters
Well, everyday something else is revealed. Every moment it seems for me lately. Tonight I went to a womens step meeting they call Step Sisters. Just before going, my online sponser called me all the way from California. She is a member of the AABC group and had offered to work with me until I found a sponser. We haven't really done much, worked on Step 1 via an outline she sent me. We talked about my boss which I've posted about here and we talked about sponsership in general. She said she really called to get me used to talking to someone on the phone. Anyway, it was very nice to speak with someone I have just corresponded with via email and posts. And it did help having a conversation about my stuff and having someone not only relate to me but also validate me and give me a direction. Anyway,
I went to the meeting. Lo and behold a woman I know because our daughters went to elementary school together and hung out together this year was there. I have been waiting to see someone I really know at one of these. I've seen a few familiar faces but noone I know. We aren't really friends but we've talked as mothers do. She also worked where I worked in the restaurant but not at the same time and she's a musician and had played there to. Point being, I've known her for awhile and I always liked her. Very friendly, very open. The meeting was a good one. I liked it.
And then, drum roll please..... I asked her to be my sponser. Not sure if that is weird because I know her but I felt comfortable because I know her. It felt like I was brought to this meeting for this purpose. She agreed and we spoke briefly about what that might mean. For tomorrow it means I call her between 2 -3 which amazingly works for both of our schedules and then we'll figure out our schedules to meet. She was worried that she'd have to cart me to meetings which would be tough for her but I don't think I need help in that area. I'm doing about 2 a day, my 7 am daily meeting and then wherever I can find a 7 pm weekly meeting. Don't think I have one for Thursday nights but maybe I can have a night off??? I told her I had numbers but because I had been feeling pretty good about things, without a desire, I didn't know what to say if I called someone so I didn't. And she gave me a good response, at some point I will feel like having a drink and that's what the phone if for.
Drove home and cried again. I'm sick of crying. I'm not going to wear makeup anymore because it is pointless. But at least this crying is not because I am sloppily drunk, or frustrated or sad. It's more of a relief and release. And also an incredulous feeling of belief, of Grace. It just seems so.
Anyway, this is good. I feel good. Like I just did the next right thing.
I went to the meeting. Lo and behold a woman I know because our daughters went to elementary school together and hung out together this year was there. I have been waiting to see someone I really know at one of these. I've seen a few familiar faces but noone I know. We aren't really friends but we've talked as mothers do. She also worked where I worked in the restaurant but not at the same time and she's a musician and had played there to. Point being, I've known her for awhile and I always liked her. Very friendly, very open. The meeting was a good one. I liked it.
And then, drum roll please..... I asked her to be my sponser. Not sure if that is weird because I know her but I felt comfortable because I know her. It felt like I was brought to this meeting for this purpose. She agreed and we spoke briefly about what that might mean. For tomorrow it means I call her between 2 -3 which amazingly works for both of our schedules and then we'll figure out our schedules to meet. She was worried that she'd have to cart me to meetings which would be tough for her but I don't think I need help in that area. I'm doing about 2 a day, my 7 am daily meeting and then wherever I can find a 7 pm weekly meeting. Don't think I have one for Thursday nights but maybe I can have a night off??? I told her I had numbers but because I had been feeling pretty good about things, without a desire, I didn't know what to say if I called someone so I didn't. And she gave me a good response, at some point I will feel like having a drink and that's what the phone if for.
Drove home and cried again. I'm sick of crying. I'm not going to wear makeup anymore because it is pointless. But at least this crying is not because I am sloppily drunk, or frustrated or sad. It's more of a relief and release. And also an incredulous feeling of belief, of Grace. It just seems so.
Anyway, this is good. I feel good. Like I just did the next right thing.
Third Step Prayer
"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
I have been reading this prayer every day for almost 30 and it just has so much more meaning to me now. Relieve me of the bondage of self. May I do Thy will, not just Thy will be done. It is not a passive expression. (light bulb moment!) As an oldtimer (I like the word elder better but that's just me trying to change things:) said in one of my early meetings... "It's like sitting in a garage and waiting to become a car." I think that is what I was expecting when I pray "Thy Will be Done". Not knowing much how to pray, that's what I usually repeat to myself.
I feel armed.
BTW: ( I feel like I am running home from first grade to tell my parents I learned to read :-) My Monday night meeting (notice I said MY) has been looking for a coffeemaker and I had told them last week I could do it (we're supposed to step up, right?) and they were going to vote after the meeting last night. A man spoke up last night and said he really needed and wanted the job. So I backed off and told the chairman I wanted him to have it and she could certainly consider me a backup if he could not come through. (He seems to be struggling). She then asked me if I wanted to be Secretary (last week they said they wanted someone with at least 3 months and I didn't think I was ready to commit to that responsibilty anyway). Yikes, but I am not supposed to say no and they voted me in. So, I am now Secretary of the Monday night group. What are they thinking!!! But it was so pleasing to be accepted and congratulated. I won't be just slinking in and slinking out of the meetings. And guess what else? I am in charge of the member phone number list! Maybe I'll start using them now.
I have been reading this prayer every day for almost 30 and it just has so much more meaning to me now. Relieve me of the bondage of self. May I do Thy will, not just Thy will be done. It is not a passive expression. (light bulb moment!) As an oldtimer (I like the word elder better but that's just me trying to change things:) said in one of my early meetings... "It's like sitting in a garage and waiting to become a car." I think that is what I was expecting when I pray "Thy Will be Done". Not knowing much how to pray, that's what I usually repeat to myself.
I feel armed.
BTW: ( I feel like I am running home from first grade to tell my parents I learned to read :-) My Monday night meeting (notice I said MY) has been looking for a coffeemaker and I had told them last week I could do it (we're supposed to step up, right?) and they were going to vote after the meeting last night. A man spoke up last night and said he really needed and wanted the job. So I backed off and told the chairman I wanted him to have it and she could certainly consider me a backup if he could not come through. (He seems to be struggling). She then asked me if I wanted to be Secretary (last week they said they wanted someone with at least 3 months and I didn't think I was ready to commit to that responsibilty anyway). Yikes, but I am not supposed to say no and they voted me in. So, I am now Secretary of the Monday night group. What are they thinking!!! But it was so pleasing to be accepted and congratulated. I won't be just slinking in and slinking out of the meetings. And guess what else? I am in charge of the member phone number list! Maybe I'll start using them now.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Babysitting
At tonight's meeting the speaker shared how she had her first drink when babysitting. She found some creme de menthe and drank until she got drunk. That was not my first drink. Mine was when I was hanging out with the older boys across the street. I must of been about 14 or maybe 15 and they were drinking whiskey. I don't know how much I drank but I got really drunk. They walked me around the block about 100 times before they let me go home. I guess that was the very beginning. But what hit me tonight was she reminded me of when I babysat for my father's collegue. They entrusted me with their baby. It must have been around the same time as this first drunk. At some point while I babysat, not the very first time but maybe the second, I found their sloe gin. Yuck. But I drank it. I smoked their cigarettes too. Benson & Hedges as I recall. I know I was driven home drunk more than once. My babysitting career did not last long. I wonder why??? Who was I fooling? I had forgotten all about this. Blocked it I think. I did a lot of shit when I was in my teens but I always remembered it as not really hurting anyone but myself (well, my family). I was "experimenting". What an idiot. Thank God nothing happened to that baby.
Anyway, today was a tough one for meetings. I felt really out of place. Not sure why. The morning meeting was at a sober house and we sat outside because they wanted to smoke. I was okay with that but geesh the smoking was getting to me. But the sharing was really important for me to hear. Tonights meeting was a difficult one for many as the funeral for a beloved member was held today. I had thought I might go because this man was important to so many who are becoming important to me. I didn't but it is just as well because I probably would have felt even more uncomfortable.
But I am not drinking. I am working with a woman from the AABC on my steps until I get a real sponser which I may be getting closer to finding. She's terrific. I'm reading the Big Book. Halfway through How it Works. Reading Martha's (Bouncing off the Bottom) book and loving it. A good companion read as I go through the steps. So in that sense it was a good day.
Peace
Anyway, today was a tough one for meetings. I felt really out of place. Not sure why. The morning meeting was at a sober house and we sat outside because they wanted to smoke. I was okay with that but geesh the smoking was getting to me. But the sharing was really important for me to hear. Tonights meeting was a difficult one for many as the funeral for a beloved member was held today. I had thought I might go because this man was important to so many who are becoming important to me. I didn't but it is just as well because I probably would have felt even more uncomfortable.
But I am not drinking. I am working with a woman from the AABC on my steps until I get a real sponser which I may be getting closer to finding. She's terrific. I'm reading the Big Book. Halfway through How it Works. Reading Martha's (Bouncing off the Bottom) book and loving it. A good companion read as I go through the steps. So in that sense it was a good day.
Peace
Family Reunions
Went to my husband's family reunion yesterday. It was a nice time. On the beach. This has always been a non drinking event. Or should I say, it was always supposed to be a non drinking event. That was the rule. Like my family, there are many alcoholics in this family. And before my time apparently alcohol had caused many of these reunions to end in violence. So.. no alcohol. But of course those of us who couldn't imagine such an event without alcohol always managed to smuggle some in and manage to drink our way through it. If we didn't or couldn't bring our own we knew someone would. One cousin used to set up his truck outside the facility like an open bar. Of course the teetotalers knew this was going on and disapproved but in our view they just didn't know how to have a good time and they had no idea that our red solo cup was filled with wine or beer or a gin & tonic. (yeah, right)
These are people that we only see once a year and up to this year, I would spend most of it, clandestinely drinking alcohol. Finding it, hiding it, going back for more. The more it wasn't allowed the more I drank. My own and everyone else's. By the end of the day I was shitfaced but I was always a happy drunk so I'd invite everyone back to our place to drink some more and swim in the hotel pool. My husband would get pissed. Only the drinkers would really come because it was completely inappropriate to have a party at the pool. Especially when it was closed but we did anyway. He'd hang out because it was his family but he would be pissed. Meanwhile our kids would be swimming or we'd put them to bed. Hotel managers would eventually break the think up.
This year though it was nice. I didn't drink. Actually, not sure whether anyone did but I'm sure it was there. Gee, in previous years it seemed like we all were. I spent my time actually talking to people about their lives and mine. Not ending conversations so I could sneak off to fill my cup. Not saying inappropriate things that would come back to haunt me. Actually, remembering conversations. It was relaxing. Enjoyable. Pleasant. My family had a nice time. One of the young cousins, my daughter's age has had issues with drugs and alcohol and was discussing her participation in AA. I was happy and sad to hear it. Happy that she is getting help and sad that she had to. Grateful too that my daughter has thus far not jumped off that cliff. I am feeling a guilty though because I did not share with her my last few weeks as a member of AA. Wondering if I should have. I didn't feel there yet. I am in the rooms but not sure I am outside of the rooms. I can with my husband but not sure I'm ready to announce to the world. What does that mean?
These are people that we only see once a year and up to this year, I would spend most of it, clandestinely drinking alcohol. Finding it, hiding it, going back for more. The more it wasn't allowed the more I drank. My own and everyone else's. By the end of the day I was shitfaced but I was always a happy drunk so I'd invite everyone back to our place to drink some more and swim in the hotel pool. My husband would get pissed. Only the drinkers would really come because it was completely inappropriate to have a party at the pool. Especially when it was closed but we did anyway. He'd hang out because it was his family but he would be pissed. Meanwhile our kids would be swimming or we'd put them to bed. Hotel managers would eventually break the think up.
This year though it was nice. I didn't drink. Actually, not sure whether anyone did but I'm sure it was there. Gee, in previous years it seemed like we all were. I spent my time actually talking to people about their lives and mine. Not ending conversations so I could sneak off to fill my cup. Not saying inappropriate things that would come back to haunt me. Actually, remembering conversations. It was relaxing. Enjoyable. Pleasant. My family had a nice time. One of the young cousins, my daughter's age has had issues with drugs and alcohol and was discussing her participation in AA. I was happy and sad to hear it. Happy that she is getting help and sad that she had to. Grateful too that my daughter has thus far not jumped off that cliff. I am feeling a guilty though because I did not share with her my last few weeks as a member of AA. Wondering if I should have. I didn't feel there yet. I am in the rooms but not sure I am outside of the rooms. I can with my husband but not sure I'm ready to announce to the world. What does that mean?
Friday, July 6, 2007
Reflection
I've been posting alot of stuff I am finding along the way but not too much about me. I didn't go to the meeting this morning and I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. I have the day off today because my mother in law is visiting and when the alarm went off at 5:30 I was just so tired I felt I needed more rest so I rolled back over and slept for 2 more hours. I do feel more rested but I also miss those people and I can't wait until tomorrow to get back. We have to leave early to visit family but I will do everything in my power to make sure we leave after the meeting. And if I can get to a meeting in between activities today I will do so. Friday night is the woman's group so I'd like to get to that.
At some point earlier I asked myself how did I get here? (okay, get the Talking Heads out of your mind now:) Well that's too long a story for now but the last time I was sober for any length of time was back in 2004. The Christmas of 2003 was the first Christmas since I had found my mother in an alcoholic stuper in the squaler that had become her home and which resulted in her contracting the disease WKS. From New Years Day of 2003, it had been one hell of a roller coaster ride. We had to move her here, into an assisted living facility after 3 months of hospitalization and then emptied and sold her house. Her brother, my uncle died as a result of alcohol. He was found in his home weeks after he had fallen in his bathroom. He lived far away and I couln't take care of him at the same time as my mother. I had to make a choice. I had to empty and sell his house which had been my grandfather's. My brothers were around but not much help. All this time, even though much of what was happening was a result of alcoholism I kept drinking. I guess I was what would be called a high functioning alcoholic because I was able to do all of this and work but then I would drink until I passed out at night. Dealt with life hungover everyday and drank it all away in the evening. I slowed down when this stuff began but the drinking always progressively got worse.
This all culminated to that Christmas of 2003. I was making dinner and drinking the whole time. Probably from the morning when I started the cooking. I don't remember. My mom was over and she was still out of it. Very much in a fog and not quite with it. My brothers called and I spent some time talking to them. I think I was smoking then because I was out on the porch and all of a sudden the smoke alarms go off and the house fills up with smoke. It was pure chaos. I was clueless. I pretty much had forgotten the expensive roast in the oven. I was talking away, drinking my wine, smoking my cigarettes, sittiing outside in the middle of winter and isolating myself from the people, my husband, children and mother who were in my house. We saved the roast and ate dinner but I don't really remember anything after that. Pure Blackout. I apparently called more people on the phone because I left rambling messages and they called back later in the week and I had no idea. I really scared myself and decided to stop drinking. I did but it only lasted about 6 months or so. Once summer came I started again, you know the routine, maybe I'm not an alcoholic after all, I can control it. I didn't do anything but stop drinking up to then. No AA though I did lurk on the AABC on yahoo but as I have learned that is just not enough. I did successfully quit smoking that summer though. That actually seemed to increase my drinking. Whatever I was missing from the cigarettes I must of transferred to alcohol. And as we all know, it progressively went from my intentions of once as week or one a day to full blown every night drink till you pass out and all the disgusting physical problems that come with it.
So today, I am grateful for AA, my husband who has stuck with me, to God for allowing me to live, for the hot tub at my mother in law's hotel that I'm going to rest my weary bones in later, air conditioning, and my children who I see every day enjoying my sobriety in spite of themselves and their teenagedom. Oh yeah, and also headaches. I keep getting headaches lately and it is so weird to experience a headache that is not cause by alcohol. It's just puzzling me. Very strange. Not sure why I'm getting the headaches. They're not debilitating or anything but I am grateful that they are not hangovers.
Peace
At some point earlier I asked myself how did I get here? (okay, get the Talking Heads out of your mind now:) Well that's too long a story for now but the last time I was sober for any length of time was back in 2004. The Christmas of 2003 was the first Christmas since I had found my mother in an alcoholic stuper in the squaler that had become her home and which resulted in her contracting the disease WKS. From New Years Day of 2003, it had been one hell of a roller coaster ride. We had to move her here, into an assisted living facility after 3 months of hospitalization and then emptied and sold her house. Her brother, my uncle died as a result of alcohol. He was found in his home weeks after he had fallen in his bathroom. He lived far away and I couln't take care of him at the same time as my mother. I had to make a choice. I had to empty and sell his house which had been my grandfather's. My brothers were around but not much help. All this time, even though much of what was happening was a result of alcoholism I kept drinking. I guess I was what would be called a high functioning alcoholic because I was able to do all of this and work but then I would drink until I passed out at night. Dealt with life hungover everyday and drank it all away in the evening. I slowed down when this stuff began but the drinking always progressively got worse.
This all culminated to that Christmas of 2003. I was making dinner and drinking the whole time. Probably from the morning when I started the cooking. I don't remember. My mom was over and she was still out of it. Very much in a fog and not quite with it. My brothers called and I spent some time talking to them. I think I was smoking then because I was out on the porch and all of a sudden the smoke alarms go off and the house fills up with smoke. It was pure chaos. I was clueless. I pretty much had forgotten the expensive roast in the oven. I was talking away, drinking my wine, smoking my cigarettes, sittiing outside in the middle of winter and isolating myself from the people, my husband, children and mother who were in my house. We saved the roast and ate dinner but I don't really remember anything after that. Pure Blackout. I apparently called more people on the phone because I left rambling messages and they called back later in the week and I had no idea. I really scared myself and decided to stop drinking. I did but it only lasted about 6 months or so. Once summer came I started again, you know the routine, maybe I'm not an alcoholic after all, I can control it. I didn't do anything but stop drinking up to then. No AA though I did lurk on the AABC on yahoo but as I have learned that is just not enough. I did successfully quit smoking that summer though. That actually seemed to increase my drinking. Whatever I was missing from the cigarettes I must of transferred to alcohol. And as we all know, it progressively went from my intentions of once as week or one a day to full blown every night drink till you pass out and all the disgusting physical problems that come with it.
So today, I am grateful for AA, my husband who has stuck with me, to God for allowing me to live, for the hot tub at my mother in law's hotel that I'm going to rest my weary bones in later, air conditioning, and my children who I see every day enjoying my sobriety in spite of themselves and their teenagedom. Oh yeah, and also headaches. I keep getting headaches lately and it is so weird to experience a headache that is not cause by alcohol. It's just puzzling me. Very strange. Not sure why I'm getting the headaches. They're not debilitating or anything but I am grateful that they are not hangovers.
Peace
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