Just finished watching Rent for the umpteenth time. My daughter was watching and I came in midway with a basket of laundry to fold and got sucked in so now the last song is stuck in my head. "There's only us...There's only this ...Forget regret or life is yours to miss....No other road...No other way...No day but today..."
It's been a busy week. We attended my daughter's college orientation for a few days and today I spent with my 16 yr old son at an advanced driving class. Did manage to get a meeting in last night but I'm not going to make it today but tomorrow there is 2. I will then have a full week of meetings! Last night was a woman's group. There were several women that I have seen at different meetings and there were quite a few young girls who seemed to have been transported there. My takeaway from this meeting was the concept of "Thy Will Be Done." In the past I have prayed this in regards to my father's death, my mother's illness, essentially when there have been life and death decisions to be made. I never really applied them to my life until now. I know I have to get a sponser and its been weighing on me. I don't really know anyone yet and wasn't sure what it was all about. I'm working on learning about it through AA and here in the blogosphere as has been suggested. At the beginning of the meeting they asked if anyone was willing to be a temporary sponser and a woman raised her hand so I approached her at the end of the meeting. We exchanged numbers and then I asked her now what? She said you just call me when you need me. It's up to you to lift the 1000 lb phone. So I said, you mean when I am craving a drink or anxious and she said hopefully before that. So I'm not sure what to do with this. When is before that? Right now? I told her a little about what I've been doing so far and she didn't like the online stuff. She said her first suggestion was to get offline and I'm not comfortable with that either. Not sure she really understands it. I'm sure she thinks I'm isolating but I'm not. I'm sure of that. So.. do I call her and explain the supplemental role of this internet support. She suggested I start reading and I know I need to do that. I have tended to rely on quotes, etc. and have put down the book itself so I can read other stuff which relaxes me.
So read the BB, figure out this sponser thing and go to the 10 am tomorrow. Okey Dokey!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Weeds & Flowers
I really like this line from Kelly Clarkson's song "Sober".. "Picked all my weeds and kept my flowers." I guess that is what I am doing, picking my weeds. At 16 days, I'm still looking for my flowers. I think that's what I am getting from meetings. You find your weeds and for me I'm seeing other people's flowers that I hope I either can unbury or can grow.
Did another meeting today. That's five now. Soon, I'll have to stop counting. They say 90 meetings in 90 days and I'm just 5 for 16 so it's good if I double up right? I am getting something from each one. Tonight's speaker was wonderful. I got the message of patience and tolerance from him which I very much needed to hear today. It's wierd that I can have patience and tolerance for strangers and not for the people closest to me. He also talked about presentation. He made a lovely romantic dinner for his wife but then was upset when she wasn't appreciative. LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU! I think I have that problem. My life is doing for my family. Dinner, laundry, nice stuff, fun stuff, preparations, etc. I often feel unappreciated but what I learned tonight is that I'm expecting gratitude and that is not how I should be presenting what I do for my family. If I can do these things for the joy of doing them, not only will I be happier but hopefully my family will feel the joy as well. And that is a much better gift than their gratitude. I must work on this. My lesson for the day. Felt very weepy but garnered the courage to speak and tell him that I really needed to hear what he said today.
Peace.
Did another meeting today. That's five now. Soon, I'll have to stop counting. They say 90 meetings in 90 days and I'm just 5 for 16 so it's good if I double up right? I am getting something from each one. Tonight's speaker was wonderful. I got the message of patience and tolerance from him which I very much needed to hear today. It's wierd that I can have patience and tolerance for strangers and not for the people closest to me. He also talked about presentation. He made a lovely romantic dinner for his wife but then was upset when she wasn't appreciative. LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU! I think I have that problem. My life is doing for my family. Dinner, laundry, nice stuff, fun stuff, preparations, etc. I often feel unappreciated but what I learned tonight is that I'm expecting gratitude and that is not how I should be presenting what I do for my family. If I can do these things for the joy of doing them, not only will I be happier but hopefully my family will feel the joy as well. And that is a much better gift than their gratitude. I must work on this. My lesson for the day. Felt very weepy but garnered the courage to speak and tell him that I really needed to hear what he said today.
Peace.
Mother Daughters and Meetings
Well, I had a better day yesterday with the boss but my 18 year old daughter is another story. Preface it all by saying, she just graduated high school and is going to college in the fall. I do believe she is experiencing as well as the whole family is experiencing some developmental phases typical of this age, middleschoolers even toddlers in the push pull of dependence and independence. I understand that intellectually but emotionally, oh boy. And we battled it out yesterday afternoon, and she is calling me names and generally behaving inappropriately. And I am trying to hold on, but ended up crying my eyes out as she said some very hurtful things. We got over it, she apologized and we moved on but I know that part of the problem is one that I have created over the years with my drinking. She can't seem to take responsiblity, everything is someone else's fault, and she can be a complete "rhymes with witch." She can be so like me it is scary and I am scared because I don't want her to make my mistakes. Don't get me wrong she is a good kid. People often tell me how proud I should be (and I am) and what a delightful person she is. My response is usually, yes I hear she's a great kid, wish I could meet her. I know we are her safety net. A place to let it all hang out but it can be alot and sometimes its just mean. And again, I am no longer running away with endless glasses of wine which seemed to make things oh so much more tolerable.
In a way, all for good though, for me. I was so upset that I did not go to a meeting last night. I know, that is precisely why I should have gone but we needed to resolve what was happening and I didn't want to take myself out of the equation. So instead I got myself out the door for a 7 am meeting this morning and I am so glad I did. A nice larger group, but not too large. A few familiar faces from the other meetings. The name is "What is Good About Today". I spoke for the first time as they went around the room. For the first time said out loud, I am Kathy and I am an alcoholic. Okay, gotta stop now, I'm tearing up. Thanks for the courage I have received here. xo
In a way, all for good though, for me. I was so upset that I did not go to a meeting last night. I know, that is precisely why I should have gone but we needed to resolve what was happening and I didn't want to take myself out of the equation. So instead I got myself out the door for a 7 am meeting this morning and I am so glad I did. A nice larger group, but not too large. A few familiar faces from the other meetings. The name is "What is Good About Today". I spoke for the first time as they went around the room. For the first time said out loud, I am Kathy and I am an alcoholic. Okay, gotta stop now, I'm tearing up. Thanks for the courage I have received here. xo
I thought you might need this one-day.
Where do I order this?
I guess I really needed this the other day:)
Monday, June 25, 2007
Tough Day
I had a really hard time with my boss today. He is a brilliant attorney and I have learned a great deal from him. But I am sure he is also obsessive compulsive or maybe bipolar (his sister is) . At the very least he has ADD. So he is a very hard individual to work for and it is just the 2 of us. He is a sole practioner. Nooone else he has hired has ever lasted. I've been there for 7 1/2 years now. I love the work and most of the time I can deal with him, actually I should say manage him or just yes him. We even have a relationship where I can make fun of his idiosyncracies or give him a hard time right back.
But today, it was just getting to me. I just didn't feel like accepting or managing his behavio. I just wanted to tell him he was crazy and judgemental. He goes on and on about other people, full of judgement or resentment. I usually try to get him to see the other side or I'll yes him just to get him to stop but boy oh boy, I just wanted to say SHUT UP. DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?? But I can't really do that. He signs my paycheck. He goes on and on about authentic communication but he never listens to a word anyone ever says. He formulates his opinions and no matter what someone says he spins it to fit his view. And he's good at it, he's an attorney.
He noticed that I wasn't myself today. He just kept jumping around from one thing to another and I guess I was getting visibly pissed. He asked me if I had been out "partying" over the weekend. I had to laugh. I told him far from it, but I just wanted to finish something. Once he passes something on to me he forgets and moves on to the next thing. I wouldn't mind but then he wants to know if I finished the first thing. ARGHHH.
Anyway, don't mean to dump though it does feel great to let this all out here. Noone else really gets it except for the few folks who have worked for him in the past that I occasionally run into. But I don't want to badmouth him either so we just knowingly shake our heads. His brother is also an attorney in another part of the state and from what I gather from his paralegal, he is the same way except he is not a workaholic which my boss is so there is never any getting away.
But I was thinking that perhaps this is all me. In the past I was probably too focused on my hangover to really deal with him so I just didn't care. Now, perhaps I am just a bit more sensitive?? Lost some of the defenses. I don't know but I hope I get over it. I've got a couple of days off this week to attend my daughters college orientation so maybe the time off will help.
Didn't drink though and went to a meeting in my neighborhood on the river. It was nice. Well, nice isn't actually accurate but it felt right. Night.
But today, it was just getting to me. I just didn't feel like accepting or managing his behavio. I just wanted to tell him he was crazy and judgemental. He goes on and on about other people, full of judgement or resentment. I usually try to get him to see the other side or I'll yes him just to get him to stop but boy oh boy, I just wanted to say SHUT UP. DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?? But I can't really do that. He signs my paycheck. He goes on and on about authentic communication but he never listens to a word anyone ever says. He formulates his opinions and no matter what someone says he spins it to fit his view. And he's good at it, he's an attorney.
He noticed that I wasn't myself today. He just kept jumping around from one thing to another and I guess I was getting visibly pissed. He asked me if I had been out "partying" over the weekend. I had to laugh. I told him far from it, but I just wanted to finish something. Once he passes something on to me he forgets and moves on to the next thing. I wouldn't mind but then he wants to know if I finished the first thing. ARGHHH.
Anyway, don't mean to dump though it does feel great to let this all out here. Noone else really gets it except for the few folks who have worked for him in the past that I occasionally run into. But I don't want to badmouth him either so we just knowingly shake our heads. His brother is also an attorney in another part of the state and from what I gather from his paralegal, he is the same way except he is not a workaholic which my boss is so there is never any getting away.
But I was thinking that perhaps this is all me. In the past I was probably too focused on my hangover to really deal with him so I just didn't care. Now, perhaps I am just a bit more sensitive?? Lost some of the defenses. I don't know but I hope I get over it. I've got a couple of days off this week to attend my daughters college orientation so maybe the time off will help.
Didn't drink though and went to a meeting in my neighborhood on the river. It was nice. Well, nice isn't actually accurate but it felt right. Night.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Second Meeting
I went to another meeting this afternoon. There was one in town where my friend's party was so I decided to go after the party. First of all the cookout was fun. Had a few twinges as everyone was drinking beer and wine but lo and behold they weren't DRINKING, they were simply having a drink. I showed up with my large DD iced coffee and noone asked me why I wasn't drinking. So that whole thing was a relief.
The hurdle for me to go to this meeting was it was in the town where I know everyone and where my kids go to school. That had always held me back... what if I see someone I know. Well, I did and it was true what every AA person's response was to that question. They are there for the same reason so, so what. In fact, it was another enlightening moment for me to see a face I didn't expect to see. I didn't speak to anyone though. Not quite there yet.
Again, it was a speaker meeting and again my life story was very different from the gentleman who spoke with the exception of the drinking part of course. But even his drinking was different than mine. I felt very empathetic to him but couldn't really relate. But then, he said that many people come to the meetings and wait for something to happen. He said that was like sitting in your garage and waiting to become a car.
AGAIN WITH THE CARS!!!! I do believe Someone is trying to tell me something.
The hurdle for me to go to this meeting was it was in the town where I know everyone and where my kids go to school. That had always held me back... what if I see someone I know. Well, I did and it was true what every AA person's response was to that question. They are there for the same reason so, so what. In fact, it was another enlightening moment for me to see a face I didn't expect to see. I didn't speak to anyone though. Not quite there yet.
Again, it was a speaker meeting and again my life story was very different from the gentleman who spoke with the exception of the drinking part of course. But even his drinking was different than mine. I felt very empathetic to him but couldn't really relate. But then, he said that many people come to the meetings and wait for something to happen. He said that was like sitting in your garage and waiting to become a car.
AGAIN WITH THE CARS!!!! I do believe Someone is trying to tell me something.
Day 14
I did it. I went to my first meeting last night. I drove by at first because I missed the driveway and there were people hanging out in front smoking and I was very self conscious but I sucked it up, turned around and went in. I was about 5 minutes early. Didn't really like the way it was set up. It was a huge room with about 20 tables a few couches and people were very scattered. I didn't know where to sit, so I grabbed a chair at the first empty table from the back. I was shaking but remained calm. I should have gotten there just a bit later, so no waiting time.
It was a speaker meeting and the gentleman who spoke has had a real rough time and has been sober since April this time. He has been drinking since the early 70's (like me). His teenage years sounded just like mine. The rest of it not so much though I found myself nodding and smiling a few times in recognition of a feeling or a moment. Except for one moment he said at the end that when his sister died (from alcoholism) he was more concerned with all the alcohol she had in her fridge than her death. I remember when my Mom was in the hospital that's what I did when I got back to her place, I drank the liquor despite the fact that it was the alcohol that put her in the hospital. I was suffering from NOT ME syndrome.
As I was leaving a woman walked out with me. We were just headed to our cars, said a few small talk things and then she said that she remembered when this particular meeting used to be packed (there were only a dozen or so people there) so I told her that, well it was my first meeting so I wouldn't know. She asked if it was my very first and I said yes and she welcomed me. She asked me if I had a list of meetings and where I was from. It turns out we live in the same town and even wierder we are both Kathys (although she could be a Cathy, a huge distinction:). Anyway she suggested a meeting this morning which happens to be within walking distance of my house. I didn't go this Sunday because I've got to get out the door this morning by 12 and I've got to make peas and get ready for a party and I wanted to post this. There's a meeting tonight elsewhere that I will go to. She also told me about a meeting for Monday that is not posted on the schedules so that was a good tip and I will go that. I got in my car to go home and got overwhelmed by tears. I think they were tears of relief, but also of fear, gratitude, and release all rolled together. I just let them flow.
So here's to 14 days. I'm going to a cookout to celebrate a friends 50th. I am totally prepared to leave if the urge to drink gets to me as this would normally be a drinking event for me. I'll make up my excuses while I make my peas.
Thanks to all of you who have read my posts and offered me your thoughts. It has truly helped me so far.
xo
It was a speaker meeting and the gentleman who spoke has had a real rough time and has been sober since April this time. He has been drinking since the early 70's (like me). His teenage years sounded just like mine. The rest of it not so much though I found myself nodding and smiling a few times in recognition of a feeling or a moment. Except for one moment he said at the end that when his sister died (from alcoholism) he was more concerned with all the alcohol she had in her fridge than her death. I remember when my Mom was in the hospital that's what I did when I got back to her place, I drank the liquor despite the fact that it was the alcohol that put her in the hospital. I was suffering from NOT ME syndrome.
As I was leaving a woman walked out with me. We were just headed to our cars, said a few small talk things and then she said that she remembered when this particular meeting used to be packed (there were only a dozen or so people there) so I told her that, well it was my first meeting so I wouldn't know. She asked if it was my very first and I said yes and she welcomed me. She asked me if I had a list of meetings and where I was from. It turns out we live in the same town and even wierder we are both Kathys (although she could be a Cathy, a huge distinction:). Anyway she suggested a meeting this morning which happens to be within walking distance of my house. I didn't go this Sunday because I've got to get out the door this morning by 12 and I've got to make peas and get ready for a party and I wanted to post this. There's a meeting tonight elsewhere that I will go to. She also told me about a meeting for Monday that is not posted on the schedules so that was a good tip and I will go that. I got in my car to go home and got overwhelmed by tears. I think they were tears of relief, but also of fear, gratitude, and release all rolled together. I just let them flow.
So here's to 14 days. I'm going to a cookout to celebrate a friends 50th. I am totally prepared to leave if the urge to drink gets to me as this would normally be a drinking event for me. I'll make up my excuses while I make my peas.
Thanks to all of you who have read my posts and offered me your thoughts. It has truly helped me so far.
xo
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