Getting Ready

Tomorrow we leave for vacation. Today will be a frenzy of work, packing, shopping, etc. We have to anticipate all of our needs in terms of food, entertainment, etc. because there are no shops, theaters, etc. I think it will be perfect. Just us and the ocean. I plan to sleep, read, kayak, cook and just soak up the beauty of the Maine coast. The people who own the home we are renting sound very sweet and we are a test case for them as far as renting their piece of heaven. No pressure!

Last night's meeting was all about Step 4. This is the aunt and uncle group and I appreciated all of their shared experience. In many ways I am looking forward to getting this step done because it will pause for a lot of self reflection which I tend to avoid. It's like, yeah, I know its there but once I name it, it requires I do something about it. I've always been a stickler for self awareness but I haven't done much in the area of self improvement. And I sure I will find my old idea of self awareness is a big hoot.

The other big thing I took from the meeting was caution. I am learning that as many people there are in AA there are that many ways to do Step 4. There are BB thumpers, AWOL groups, worksheets and on and on. I think checking all this out is helping me to realize that I can be comfortable with however I get it done as long as I get it done and am honest with pure motives. That is what I will strive for. What I also learned there and elsewhere in the rooms is that AA is full of flawed people so be careful what you say in meetings and in Step 5. I can be very naive for a woman of a certain age and I tend to attribute pure motives to others. That's why I'm a paralegal and not a lawyer. I live in a fairly small community and the annonymity of this program can get lost. Or at least that is what I'm hearing. So proceed but with caution.

Anyway, my very mean daughter has said we cannot take her laptop with us. So I won't have access to a computer until Monday when she comes up. The kids are joining us on Monday because they couldnt' get the weekend off from their jobs. They both work in the same pizza place so it would be tough plus they both need the money. This will work as me and the Husband and I could use some alone time and they will have the weekend as well as the 4 hour drive to bond as brother and sister. And that is what this vacation's purpose was about. Connection, in more ways than one.

Playing Hooky

I didn't go to the meeting tonight. I feel like I'm playing hooky. I'm just soooo tired. I knew this would happen, didn't I? And trying to get ready for our trip. Who am I kidding? I took a nap which was nice and didn't quite want to put it together to go out again. Wish I was brave enough to show up braless, all rumpled, scratching my belly and plop myself in my seat, smack my lips and say Hi,I'm Kathy, I'm an alcoholic. It's BIG, I can do the second part. It's probably BIG for everyone else that I can't do the first. I think my husband appreciated me being home though. Although I spent most of it online catching up with the blogosphere and my emails. Felt like the meeting I was missing. Now of course I'm worried about telling my sponser. That's the one stickler she's got... go to meetings. But I went this morning, she whined. See, I am going to have this conversation until I call her tomorrow at 3. OCD.

But I think my motives are pure. So I feel good about the decision not to go tonight. Or I'll feel good once my sponser gives me the absolution.

I am grateful for:

new friendships
my son's return from soccer camp tonight
Starbucks coffee chocolate almond fudge swirl ice cream
sobriety
Reality TV (well not all of it, but YES Big Brother much to my daughter's disgust)
the cool breeze

Ramblings

I'm up way too early this morning and I know I will crash this afternoon but whatever. God's will, right? I need practice praying. I just don't really know how. Or maybe I do and I just feel stupid. I don't know. That's why I added the third step prayer above so that I can see it alot. I'm not too good at memorizing. My favorite part of that prayer is the request to relieve me of the bondage of self. I always liked to think of myself as selfless but I know now that was merely an aspiration not a reality. I was completely a prisoner of the alcohol I was pouring into myself and completely selfish for desiring the effect.

Last night we did the 11th step at the Step Sisters meeting. I am grateful for this meeting because getting ahead in the steps gives me hope. It gave me a place to go when I have trouble praying. I like the idea of meditation. Now I know what everyone is talking about when they say morning meditation and I know I will get there. Practice makes perfect or should I say, practice makes progress.

Talked to my sponser yesterday about my impending vacation next week. She cautioned me about doing the 4th step in a place where I may uncover stuff and need help. We are going to an island off the coast of Maine and it's got nothing. No shops, no restaurants, no LIQUOR, no nothing. Just us and what we bring and LOBSTER! I planned this thinking I'd be bringing booze over but again I think this is another case of God leading me to where I need to be. The main purpose was some R & R and a chance to reconnect as a family before my daughter goes off to college. Of course my kids are mortified but I think they are secretly looking forward to it. We will have internet access so I may still be around here. I've got so many books to read and I want to work on Step 4 but I might just figure out how to DO it and then do the actual writing when I get back. We'll see. I like my sponser because she respects my thoughts about how to approach sobriety and the steps yet also offers me suggestions. It's not my way or the highway. I thought I'd want more structure but I think that would just piss me off and also I'd just go for the A. Like algebra, an A student but don't ask me the next day what was on the test.

You've Got What I Want

You know how you hear all those sayings at meetings and elsewhere. Meeting makers make it. Constant vigilence. Happy, Joyous and Free. I think they're true. There's a man who is at quite a few of the meetings I go to. He was one of the "uncles" at the step meeting I attended last week. Everytime he shares he seems to say something that hits a nerve with me. Not necessarily because I relate since his story is very different than mine. Maybe it is just seeing a man share his feelings so readily. My dad didn't, my husband doesn't.

Yesterday morning, one of the members celebrated a year and I watched this man because he looked like he was about to bust a gut he was so filled with joy for his friend to whom he presented the 1 year medallion. As Providence would have it, he spoke at last nights meeting as well. He said how much he loved the 12th step. Again he was beaming as related how he spent his day getting someone into detox and helping his family. He's had a lot of misfortunes but he is a happy man. I want what he's got and I was lucky to have the nerve to tell him so. (He said he wished more women wanted what he got:) I can't wait to get to the twelfth step. One step at a time of course!

Friggin' Scallops

I'm sort of in this weird zone right now. I know I am going in the right direction and that feels damn good but at the same time I am petrified as to where that will lead.

Had a fight with my husband last night. It was primarily due to the fact that we were both starving and the computer crapped out. I went to a meeting and he spent an hour on the phone talking to techies who speak broken English and getting nowhere. I got home and it looked to me like he was just sitting on the porch swing waiting for me. I guess then I made him feel bad that dinner wasn't ready. I wanted to be taken care of and he wanted me to take care of him. We both needed our mommies. But at the time I was just pissed, not really because dinner wasn't ready but because he never gave it a thought and wanted me to do everything, waited for me to do everything. Not to mention, the computer. I couldn't check in with my new sober friends. Shit this sounds so selfish.

But anyway, I just wanted to get on with preparing dinner and do it quickly and he wanted to discuss how to prepare the friggin' scallops and on and on. NOW, he wants to cook. Not to mention that he wanted me to back up all our files so that they could work on the computer. Are you kidding?? Anyway, things were said, I cried which is all I seem to do these days, it was stupid really. Of course, I pulled the "I knew your support was too good to be true" card and suggested he get his ass to Al Anon, (which I'd love him to do but don't think he ever will) And really, the whole HALT thing comes into play. And while I know that intellectually, even in the moment, I am just not equipped to handle it appropriately.

That's why I am positive I need to move on to Step 4 and move on regardless of how scary it is. I thought I'd hang around Step 3 for awhile and "perfect" my relationship with God. I know, I know, progress not perfection. I get it. Of course as I was praying on this all those crazy thoughts are coming in and I'm contemplating our divorce and what about my house, will he still pay college tuition and on and on. Thank God He calmed me down to a peaceful place. I need to talk to my husband about this stuff but we do not have an honest relationship. I think we have forgotten how to. And for him, he's got this new person to deal with who is no longer completely zoned out anymore.

We may have to start back at the beginning. I just hope we can. But then, I get ahead of myself as usual.

Serenity

This has been an emotionally draining week. At yesterday morning's meeting, I just got overwhelmed and it wasn't by pain or exhaustion. I'm not sure what it was. They say keep it simple but it feels so BIG. I feel raw. It's a good feeling but I've got to release it and so I gave them the big ugly cry as Oprah says. Was hoping that time would run out before they got to me but of course it didn't so I had to share what I was feeling. And they got it.

Then I went to work and Thank God, the boss was taking a rare day off. It was one of those beautiful summer days, so I left early (who needs money anyway), and took my kayak to the lake. I needed to take some time and just stop. I paddled on out to the middle and upriver away from the madding crowd. I actually called my sponser from there and joked that maybe I was isolating but she assured me that I was just taking care of myself which was my intent. And then I just floated. It was wonderful. It gave me the opportunity to just relfect on this last month and where I've been and where I'm going. I talked and prayed to God and I brought my friend Anne Lamott with me (in the form of her latest book, Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith). I was able to gain some real peace and serenity. I felt God's reassurance through the gentle swaying of the trees. And I thought, this is MY church.

I know there will be big changes ahead for me as I go through this program some will be good and some will be bad but I will be able to live with them because I know I am being guided. When I left the women's meeting tonight guess what was there. A double rainbow. And it followed me all the way home. One woman said something that struck me. She said that she knew that God held her in His Hands because He carried her safely through her drinking days. That made sense to me. That's Grace.

Third Step

I was not raised in a religious household. In fact I was not raised with any religious instruction or belief system at all. My father was a scientist and his philosophy was that when we (his children) reached the age of reason we could make those decisions for ourselves. The problem was that he gave us no tools to do so. Well, I shouldn't say that because he had 100s of books on different religions and raised us to question everything. I wouldn't say that he was an atheist but that he was seeking and did not trust organized religion. When I was a kid I wanted to go to my friends youth group at her Methodist church. My father wouldn't allow it. He wanted us to find our own way. (my friend's mother later ran away with the Methodist minister but that's a story for another day:) My father did find God at the end of his life which was a mindblower for me and my brothers. And I am grateful that he died in peace. I did my first heavy duty praying during his last week of life and I believe that was the gift my father left to me. Gospodi Pomiluj.

My grandmother (Dad's mom) would bring me to her church (Serbian Orthodox) when I stayed with her in the summer as a child and that is the concept of God that I have. But there aren't many Serbian Orthodox churches in New England. Many of my friends (and my Mom, though non practicing) were Catholic but as I grew older I had trouble with the Church's doctrine. When I was in college a guy I met in a bar (of course) tried to convert me. He was born again and called me and read Bible passages. I just though he was cute and he played guitar. Personally,I like Anne Lamott's approach to God. She found God in the bathroom. Another author (Frederick Buechler or something like that, he was an Episcipalian priest) that my Dad was reading spoke of church being wherever your two feet were and if they landed in a building called a church okay. I liked that as well. And I like Martha's concept of Alice. I keep singing to myself...Go ask Alice, I think She'll know.... Anyway, my point being is that I have no practice in faith which makes the concept of turning it over hard to wrap my brain around.

But...I have no doubt that I have been led to this point. And the point I was missing was the "willingness". My sponser told me I was making this much too complicated. I've got the willingness. I've got belief and I do believe I've got Trust. How could I not? Everything in the last 30 days (and if I got right down to it, my life) is showing me that I am being guided. I have written about this before. Last night, I went to a Step meeting and what do you know, which step do you think they were on? It's almost too much. If there was any doubt in my mind it was erased last night. It was a small group of mostly older folks and mostly men. The women were glad to see me. I had seen a couple of folks at other meetings. The men were so jovial, joking around, elbowing each other, it was like sitting in a room with my uncles if I had any. After we read it was time to speak and I resolved to just listen. But that's hard to do when everyone is staring at you and you're the new kid on the block. I wanted to tell them how miraculous it was that they were doing this step and that I had picked (don't really think it was me) this meeting to attend so I did. They were wonderful and truly shared their ESH with me. One woman asked me to come back. I wasn't planning on it because there is another meeting I'd like to check out and these folks have obviously been together for a while and were quite older than me. But it was like sitting in a room with your aunts and uncles who love you and want to help you do the next right thing. I'm there.


"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"