Yesterday was my son's 19th birthday. We moved him into his college dorm on Tuesday. I was very thankful that he was willing for us to come back to take him to breakfast for his birthday. Usually we do dinner but it was a good compromise. The last year has been a rough one for me emotionally with him. He has a lot of disdain for me and while I know some of it is developmental and a part of separating, I also know that a lot of it has to do with my alcoholism. I have not made my amends to him yet. In the last few months it became very important to me to make my amends to him before he left. I saw behaviours of his that I hoped the amends would perhaps soften. And at the very least, it would not be hanging over my head, this most important of amends.
I started to prepare, talking it over with my sponser, but there never seemed to be an opportunity. Honestly, he hasn't been around much between his work schedule, soccer schedule and time with his friends. He joked that he was preparing us for when he left. When the time did present itself he was so focused on what he needed to do to get to college, I began to feel that my reasons for making amends to him were more about me than about him. That if I was focused strictly on his needs I would allow him to process leaving home and start this new chapter in his life without the burden of whatever that amends conversation would bring. I know for sure it would bring tears from me as much as I would try not to and this is a young man that does not suffer tears or emotion well. So maybe I chickened out or maybe I have finally become willing to more thoughtfully approach situations that used to baffle me. Not act from my own self-centered needs and wants. My M-O, as many alcoholics, is to want something done NOW. Immediate gratification. Another opportunity will present itself, and it will be the right time. He will be settled into his new life and I will be ready. So I think in the end, in examining my motives, I am fairly certain that I was not acting out of fear (though to be honest it was there), but I was more taking the self (my self) out of the equation and thinking about what was best for my son. That's what mother's do. But that is not to say that I am not going to make my amends at the next opportunity. It will happen and the sooner the better.
7 comments:
the timing wasn't right, otherwise it would have happened... you will get your chance...
You were writing my story here. I have a son who watched both his mother and father destroying themselves with alcohol. His dad functioned, I was a mess. The functioning drunk is still drinking 24 years later. The "mess" - ME - is sober 24 years.
My son (14 at the time) did not want Al-Anon when I returned from treatment, did not want to discuss much, just wanted to get on with his life.
It was many years before I made my amends to him. I chose a time period when I felt I knew it would not harm him. Anything sooner would have been for me only, not him. It worked out fine.
You sound "right on" to me.
PG
I needed to read this this morning...I am working on making my amends to my 23 year old son. He is next on my list and I am stalled. Thanks for sharing this part of your journey with us.
PS: What an absolutely exquisite baby he was. Beautiful. :o)
There are the "I'm sorry" amends.
Than there are the Amending (changing) amends, in which I show it.
I call the Amends Step, the "Tell-and-Show" Step.
in doing amends timing was everything - but it wasn't 'my' timing.. i always was surprised at how what I thought I should make amends for and what the other person was actually hurt by were (in some cases) quite different. Even though I didn't stay in AA, I continued with amends. amends are very scary to the ego which thinks it will shrink - and it does but Something much more powerful takes its place :) good luck to you! it will happen at the best of times.
I think that it's important to listen to one's heart and mind to determine when the time is right for an amends. God directs us in the process. All things will be done in His time, not ours.
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