Had a really great meeting this morning. I heard so much that my head was swimming. In memories, identification, gratitude, sadness, need I say more. Thankfully I didn't have to speak, we do a round robin and it didn't get to me. I don't think I would have known where to begin. The evil feeling when passive agressive behaviour gets under someone's skin which means success and they can't do anything about it. Bad but fun too especially if they are mean. To hear a 25 year old young man talk about how just reading the Big Book can turn a bad day into a good one. Wish I had been that smart. Does my heart good and he's easy on the eyes (I could be his mother, go away evil twin). How scary being 32 days sober is and how much we need each other. How fighting depression feels like drowning sometimes. How desparate hearing of someone's relapse makes us feel.
How snowstorms used to be an exuse to drink and how I didn't do that last night. I could not get the image of myself jumping off a deck into snow drifts after a blizzard with a bunch of kids (and by that I mean late teens, early 20's) when I had 2 small children and a husband at home out of my head this morning. It was a blast actually but what was I thinking? Who the hell was I? This was 15 or so years ago so I wasn't quite the old lady I am now but Jesus! I always worked in the restaurant on snow days because I could walk. It was awesome because I'd usually be the only waitress and I'd make big bucks running around slinging beers and chili by the fire. We'd close early and I should have been going home but instead I'd party with the boys in the back. And some of them were literally boys. As old as my son is today. Still in high school. If you've ever worked in a restaurant you know the mix. We ended up at my "soul mate's" house (he wasn't in high school, please!) and I impressed the hell out of the teenagers by jumping off the deck. How cool is that. Look at the drunk lady jumping off the deck. God! Definately a cringe moment for me now. Thank God that is over. I hate to think of what has happened to those kids. I don't know but I know they were not doing their homework. I regret any part I had in condoning this behaviour.
So grateful that I could share that here since I was bursting about it this morning. Now its off my plate. At least for now.
No reaction from the husband on my note. Just a thank you and it was very nice, when asked. He's not to good at the heart to hearts but I hope it helps him understand alittle. I knew that's what I'd get. It's not fair to expect more. Like I said expectations will kill me. But at least I shared and now it can go in the God Box. I tried and now its in His hands.
3 comments:
I have lots of "cringe" moments from past memories. My sponser told me years ago, that I'm probably the only one who remembers, that probably the other people involved aren't still thinking about it. For me, those kinds of memories seem like some one elses life....this road won't lead me back there though :)
My sponsor told me that part in the Big Book...."you will not regret the past..." That made no sense to me when I first got sober. Now that I have been doing this for a few 24 hrs, I understand. For everyone of those things I felt were awful and I was condemmed to hell, I have found a use in sobriety. The worst has been one that I could help another alcoholic through a bad day because I had been there and knew exactly what she was going through. God leads us down mysterious paths but he has a plan, if we only allow it to unfold. Keep up the good work and good things were come to pass.
I have cringe moments that didn't involve drinking. Just me being an asshole. But now I'm not the controlling intense person that I was. And I don't regret the past, just am glad that I don't have to repeat it. There's lots to look forward to on this day.
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