To my Husband and To my God Box

I'm sorry I blew up last night. I'm sure it is very hard for you to understand because you are not an alcoholic. I am doing everything in my power not to drink anymore. My MO is to drink through stuff I don't particularly want to do. When I say I can't talk about something or I can't do something, it is not to disrespect you or does not imply that you are doing something wrong even if I say you are. I just need to take it easy on myself especially now. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed and if I do I have to stop. I was getting more and more frustrated last night because it seemed like you couldn't hear me. And maybe you couldn't because you truly don't understand. And then I want you to understand so I get frustrated that you don't. Of course it wouldn't make sense to you if I said well, if we keep talking about this its going to make me want a bottle of wine, because you don't experience that. You don't have this disease. Maybe you don't understand that it is a disease. It is not a moral issue. I can't just stop because I want to be a good girl. And because I can't say that or because you don't understand that I get more and more frustrated and then blow up. You have been very supportive and not too reproachful about giving me the time to go to meetings and I need to do that. I may need to go to more because I am getting very stressed out. It helps to be with other people who have had the same feelings and problems that I have. Who understand. That could be helpful to you too. Maybe helpful to our marriage. Maybe even the kids. They have alanon meetings for familys of alcoholics on Monday nights. They have alateen meetings too I believe. For me holidays are triple the work and obviously I already have a hard enough time keeping up with the regular stuff like laundry, picking up, etc. They also bring back bad feelings like the stuff with my mom. Add to that gift shopping, decorating, cooking and the rest and I'm on system overload. How do I usually deal with stress? Drink. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't think you want me to. So I hope you understand and maybe can go just a little bit easier on me. Expectations will kill me. My own and other peoples. Sometimes it feels deliberate. I'm sure it isn't. That's the alcoholism trying to give me an excuse to drink.I hope you understand and I hope this explains it a little better so that you can. Thanks and I love you.