I haven't relasped mainly because I avoided AA to begin with so I had nothing to relapse from. Plenty, countless really, of times I "quit" drinking on my own only to last a day, a week, a few months. It's different for me this time because I am following the steps as outlined in the book and as a result I have had a spiritual awakening. There was no sudden light. No AHA moment. I'm still rubbing my eyes, groggy as hell but I no longer have the compulsion to drink. Pretty amazing. I know it takes each of us our own time to have the compulsion removed and I am very grateful that it has happened for me.
It struck me when we were reading Chapter 8 "To the Wives" yesterday in our Big Book group, that the solution to a relapser is right there. On page 120, second paragraph it says: "though it is infinately better that he have no relapse at all, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must REDOUBLE his SPIRITUAL ACTIVITIES if he expects to survive." Now maybe I am naive or maybe I'm missing something but when you are asked what are you going to differently this time, I would think that is where your focus must be. A Power Greater than Yourself. I guess this concerns me because I see many relapsers return to the meetings and I'm never sure what to say. What will you do differently this time? I want to know what to avoid. I want to be prepared so I don't relapse.
I found this to be a good chapter for me even though it is directed to the wives (spouses, partners, whatever, gotta love our sexist roots) I could relate to their description of their spouses. I did the same thing. Called my husband a killjoy when he didn't drink with me or admonished me for my drinking. While I didn't drink us into financial ruin, when I was waitressing I often spent half or all of my tips on drinking after my shift. Then lied and said it was a slow night. I didn't do this but one of my coworkers once went to an ATM to withdraw money so she would have cash to show her husband when she got home. I just lied and since I handled the finances I didn't have to. I thought the idea brilliant though and would have used it if I had to. And that is not to mention the money I have spent since on alcohol on a daily basis. It's disgusting really.
It struck me when we were reading Chapter 8 "To the Wives" yesterday in our Big Book group, that the solution to a relapser is right there. On page 120, second paragraph it says: "though it is infinately better that he have no relapse at all, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must REDOUBLE his SPIRITUAL ACTIVITIES if he expects to survive." Now maybe I am naive or maybe I'm missing something but when you are asked what are you going to differently this time, I would think that is where your focus must be. A Power Greater than Yourself. I guess this concerns me because I see many relapsers return to the meetings and I'm never sure what to say. What will you do differently this time? I want to know what to avoid. I want to be prepared so I don't relapse.
I found this to be a good chapter for me even though it is directed to the wives (spouses, partners, whatever, gotta love our sexist roots) I could relate to their description of their spouses. I did the same thing. Called my husband a killjoy when he didn't drink with me or admonished me for my drinking. While I didn't drink us into financial ruin, when I was waitressing I often spent half or all of my tips on drinking after my shift. Then lied and said it was a slow night. I didn't do this but one of my coworkers once went to an ATM to withdraw money so she would have cash to show her husband when she got home. I just lied and since I handled the finances I didn't have to. I thought the idea brilliant though and would have used it if I had to. And that is not to mention the money I have spent since on alcohol on a daily basis. It's disgusting really.
I identified with the description of the 4 types of alcoholics. Could find myself, easily. I believe I am of the second type. Lack of control, out of hand, attempts to moderate and quit, loss of friends, job suffers, drinking earlier and earlier, awareness that I did not drink like other people, worried, remorseful. I did not ruin everything. I was still functioning but I was well on my way.
And though I think males are not as long suffering as the females described in the book and perhaps show more anger, I could see my husband in some of the descriptions of the wives. Although I would say he avoided the situation and confrontation about it. As long as I was functioning he let things pass. We had a joke in our family, "you know your mother's not well". It was meant to be funny and we all laughed but how true it was.
Anyway, today I am grateful to know that I am being taken care of. That I can recognize my faulty thinking. That I have a group of people who understand me. That I can be of service to those same people.
Still snowing here in New England.
6 comments:
Gosh - I'm pretty speechless (in a good way that is).. It's hard to put the emotion into words but I think it is GRATITUDE. So, thank ya friend.
It's great that you have the program and that you are dedicated to working it. I couldn't identify totally with To the Wives when I first read it. But later I could and through Al-Anon, I've learned how to detach and take care of myself.
I can relate to a lot in your post today. My husband wasn't really long suffering either. I think he was more wishing I would drink a little less. He didn't think I needed rehab, but I knew I did. But he supports my recovery, which is the most important thing. At the same time, I sometimes get annoyed because I do feel like he let me get away with too much and I wonder if he just didn't notice or care. But that really isn't fair of me at all.
I'm still working on me. It's a journey and not a race. Thank god because I am going at a tortoise pace.
you have changed. for the better!
I guess I am lucky or unlucky as the case may be not to have relapsed yet, I do get those moments though when I think "I wonder what it would be like?"
I guess I went right to the buffers though before I got off the alcoholic train, really down lower than a snakes belly.
I just dont wanna go near there again, also EVERYONE knows I am an alcoholic, I certainly aint anonymous and everyone would know if I relapsed, it would be so shamefull!
Like vicariousing above says I too have recovered at a snails pace, no massive WOW factor for me just a long slow wake up..
I didnt get to ask Veras out for coffee, but I really do fancy her!
better than them russians
you never have to have another drop as long as you live period. many people romanticize relapsing, sort of a badge of honer. Bullshit.
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