Barack The Vote

HELLO!!!! My apologies to those of you who have continued to see a blanket when you visited my blog in the last month. It just got busy as I posted about and then I went on vacation and then I got out of the routine. I took the blogging without obligation to heart. But one of the members of my morning group who reads me gave me a poke this morning so I promised I would get back to it. Thanks Carol! Not to mention my friend Molly who checked in on me now and again. I really appreciated that. To be honest, I did drop some meetings and my online group and my blog and even my prayer and meditation to some extent. Not my sobriety though. But if I'm honest, I think I was backing away, albeit slowly, from my recovery program. You know, I had my big year, maybe I didn't have to work so hard after all. And then I missed it and I was able to see a difference in my quality of life. So gradually I picked up most of my meetings, went back to my online group and now I'm back here. Writing and soon to catch up with the bloggers who have so influenced my sobriety because you have shared yours with me. Can't do it alone. Not that I was trying to. But I think I may have forgotten the part about giving it away to keep it. And that's what my presence at meetings, my posts at AABC, my blog does for me. Helps me to give it away. And helps me to keep it. Anywho.....no way I'll be able to post everything I've written in my head in the last 3 weeks so I guess I'll just tell you about today. And I'm not going to beat myself up because it wasn't all that long of a departure but it was enough to know that I will need AA and my recovery program, all of it, for the rest of my life. It will ebb and flow, but I will need to work it every day.

After the morning meeting, I was one of those people you see on corners holding a sign for a candidate and waving. I have never done that before and if I wasn't sober I wouldn't be doing it now. I'm one of those people who believes that my vote means something yet I've never really done anything beyond that. But I feel passionately about this election and the need for change. And I think Barack Obama can do it for us. Or at least, if nothing else, be something beyond what we've had for the last 8 years and even before that. Look at it this way, anything will be better than what we've got now. I'm sick of the old boy political machine bullshit. The last time I felt this way was when John Anderson ran as an independent. I think that may have been my first election and my brother and I went to see him speak at Yale. And I've never seen anything off the beaten path since be somewhat viable. Have a shot. And that has always made me feel powerless politically.

I bring this experience up not because I'm trying to swing voters or anything like that although that would be a plus but to say that this is something I would have wanted to do when I was drinking yet I never would have been able to bring myself. I went to the square in my town, by myself and stood with a large group of people,none of whom I knew. This would have daunted me to no end. First of all, I would have been so hungover on a Saturday morning at 8:00. I would never have pulled myself together or had the confidence to approach such a group on my own. I would have been to anxious about how less than I was. Yet in sobriety this is something I can do. And it felt great and it was really fun. Mostly positive..lots of beeps and waves. A few thumbs down but as Obama said, they just don't get it. And yes, one finger. What's up with that?

If you didn't see the speech the other night check it out. I think this is only a portion. But this guy is for real. Read his book, Dreams from my Father and then listen to him. After I heard his speech I understood what Michelle Obama meant when she said that for the first time she was proud to be an American. She didn't mean that she hadn't been before but she meant that for the first time maybe she was full. Full of Hope.

Back by Popular Demand

Well, not really. Not really back and not by popular demand but I did want to check in before I leave on vacation on Saturday. Its been a busy couple of weeks and I am so grateful that I have a program in my pocket so that when I miss meetings or my routine is disrupted I've got a fall back. I've been able to enjoy the fruits of what I've worked on this last year, time with family as a full participant and that I can remember. I am consistant and reliable. Not perfect by any means as my children are quick to point out but I continue to pray that my defects be removed so that they appear less and less. Went to my morning meeting this morning and it felt like a warm blanket on a chilly morning.

Some vignettes from the week:

Played Risk with my nephew and my kids until 2:00 am Monday night. I won, world domination! Though I truly did not want to play. Its too long and tiring. But I made it through the game and I was not drinking. I played the game because I was not drinking. It was fun. The family dynamics were in full force. I woke up the next morning and skipped work not because I was hungover but because I was simply tired and wanted to spend the last day with my family.

I had to clean out my Mom's cabinets and fridge. She loves to shop. It makes her happy and it makes her feel normal. However she has no short term memory so she keeps buying the same things over and over. She also has no insight and truly lives in the now so she doesn't realize she's got stuff from 2005 hanging out in her fridge and on her shelves. She buys the cooked lobster (not from 2005!!) but we know she will never eat it. She doesn't need the food, meals are provided. I had my niece and nephew with me to divert her attention with rousing games of Go Fish while I emptied everything salvaging what I could. My AA group got 4 lbs of coffee. My mom was disgruntled and disturbed. But I cannot allow this to go on anymore. Its potentially dangerous. And I can no longer avoid the confrontation taking charge may bring. She's like a child and I must treat her as such with love and compassion but with firmness as well. So yes, she was ticked. Every time I went to the barrel to dispose of the food, I'd return to find her at the counter trying to regain control. She was furiously writing notes to herself while I was clearing out the fridge. She left for lunch while I was still there and I checked out what she wrote...."Kathy ransacked my cupboards. Go to barrel and get bags." Smart Lady! I took the note but just for security purposes took the barrel to the dumpster.

At Monday nights meeting a fellow that I hadn't seen in awhile showed up. He approached me at the break to show me his 1 year medallion. I had given him a Big Book at that same meeting and introduced him to some men in another group to connect with. He was one of the very first people I "helped". I remember the feeling very well of how much it had helped me in my brand new 30 or 60 days of sobriety to guide someone newer. And I let him know how much it had helped me to help him. It was a joy to see him succeed and humbling that he came back to the meeting to show me. I know that feeling very well. I remember with deep gratitude everyone who reached their hand out to me to guide me along this road of happy destiny. Its not easy. Many of the people I started out with are no longer walking beside me. I just pray they are on the road at all. But boy is it cool when we get to see the program work!!

Anyway gotta get back to work. I hope to catch up with all of you when I'm on vacation with some time on my hands....I plan to read, write and meditate in between kayaking and sleeping. Happy summer! xo

The Moment of Clarity

-The Moment of Clarity-
by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll ©

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. . . when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough of fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening . . .

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties..and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've picked up from the garbage dump of others about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about LOVE. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want ... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone....and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the EGO.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself. You make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Blah

I'm not really in a funk but I just feel kind of blah. I'm not motivated to get to my meetings, practice my prayer and meditation, talk to my sponser, check in here or any of it. I'm kind of sick of it. But then again I'm not. Does that make sense? It's like taking your antibiotics for the whole 10 days. After about 24 to 36 hours your feeling better and by day 4 you forget or just don't want to remember to take the pills. I know I have to remain vigilant but I'm tired. Just plain tired. Gee I wonder if it has anything to do with missing a few meetings? Its been busy. My mother in law was here and we went to Connecticut for a family reunion. Missed my Friday night meeting (did go to Friday am). No meeting Saturday, no meeting until Sunday at 8pm after traveling for 4 1/2 hours. Skipped yesterday. So you know what, I'm going to my morning meeting right now instead of writing about it..and maybe I shouldn't skip tonight as I planned because my brother and his kids are coming for a visit. We'll see.....

xo

Not My Story

But I had to share. Hearing it last night affected me so much. I'm not sure why. But as she was sharing, tears began streaming down my face. Maybe because it had been a powerful meeting until then. One woman had shared about her relationship with her husband that was just like mine. Something I haven't been able to talk about except with my sponser during my fifth step. Maybe it was the girl who had relapsed and collected her 24 hour chip in tears. The meeting was hitting me hard. We were discussing the 12th step. I was in full identification mode. And then this:

She shared that when she was 16 years sober she picked up the newspaper and a woman with the exact same name, first and last, and the same age had been involved in a serious accident and had been arrested for drunk driving. It was all over the papers. She got phone calls from all over checking on her, worried about her. Everyone assumed it was our friend. From across the country, relatives called. People were worried she had thrown 16 years of sobriety down the drain. Human resources called her in. She had a lot to clean up. Telling everyone it was coincidence, it wasn't her. She was still sober. She was angry. But she also had a feeling. She practiced these principles in all her affairs, so she wrote this woman a letter, telling her the story, that they had the same name, telling her she was sober. Saying she didn't know if this woman had a problem but chances are when you make the front page its an indication something is wrong. Included the brochure of 44 questions from AA. She never heard back. Months went by and she often wondered what had happened. Then at church one Sunday, a woman stood up when they asked if anyone was new. Her church does that, then they give you a rose and some membership info. She introduced herself by her first name. Our friend had a feeling and approached her. Welcomed her to the church and said we share the same name. The woman didn't say anything for a few moments and then reached in her pocket and pulled out a crumpled envelope and asked if our friend had sent this to her. When she said yes, she thanked her and said she hadn't had a drink since receiving it a few months prior. Then her 14 yr old daughter approached our friend and thanked her for getting her mother sober. Our friend offered to take her to a meeting and has been sponsering her ever since. That was 4 years ago. Next month, our friend who is a Justice of the Peace will be officiating at her wedding. She's changing her name. Our friend isn't too happy about that. She did say that if you connected the town where she lived, the town where this woman lived and the town where the church was it formed a triangle. How cool is that.

I don't know what hit me on this story. Identification with the desperation of the woman with the crumpled envelope. The evidence of God's grace. The fruits of reaching out. It's a beautiful story and I wanted to share it with you.

You and the Other (with a capital O)

Economic Insecurity

Spent all day Saturday, Sunday and Monday working on spreadsheets, budgets, loan applications and the like figuring out how to afford my daughters tuition, rising fuel costs, home repair and the like. Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful because I realize that some of these problems are cadilac problems as they call them. We have a nice home, enough to eat, clean sheets and that's enough. We have made choices that others wouldn't even be able to consider. We could fix a lot of this very easily by downsizing our home and sending our daughter to community college. Making do with one car, etc. But we are happy with our choices so we are willing to struggle to make it happen.

Anyway, working with these numbers has usually been something I would drink through like many of my household chores. And discussing it with my husband usually ended up with me in tears and him blowing up. I avoided it at all costs and that would tick him off too. Anyway, we had the big budget summit and discussed what our costs are, how to pay for them, where we can make cuts, etc. Should we refinance or not. Which educational loans to apply for. Was it frustrating at times? Yes. But did I drink over it. No. Did I stomp my feet and demand my way? Well, a little but I was willing to hear him out and allow him the time to weigh the pros and cons. It takes my husband longer to make decisions than me and I was able to listen and be somewhat patient about it.

I guess what I am saying is that I am seeing the fruits of the program in my life. I did not drink nor did I think about a drink. I only thought about killing my husband a few times. And I did not smoke though I was definately jonesing. This is amazing to me. And I am very grateful.