Duh!

I figured out that feedreader thingy. I wasn't signed in so when I clicked on the blogs on my sidebar....it popped up that message....

Big Book Step Study

I started to work with my new Big Book Step Study sponser. First she had asked me to read the first 63 pages and look up all the words I didn't know. When she asked me that I said I had alread read the Big Book and probably knew the words or at least understood them. So she asked me what altruistic meant. I know what it means but at that moment I couldn't articulate it so.....she said....look it up. Selfless. I knew that. Anyway, doing what is asked has worked for me so far so I did it and we finally met last night to begin reading together. We started with the Doctor's Opinion and read through Bill's Story. It occurred to me that I had not read this stuff out loud with anyone. I read it to myself several times and I listen to it at a Big Book on tape meeting but this was different. It had a fresh meaning for me.

Before we began I talked to her again about whether I was going overboard on this step thing. Not sure if I really need this. I've done the steps with my sponser...or first sponser...whatever...I did them according to the book....so she had me answer the questions on page 53

"We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people - was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was."

Did these questions apply to me in sobriety? Am I having trouble with personal relationships? Honestly, the relationship with my husband is not what I would like it to be, I am not happy with my mother or brother, I'd like more from my son, so I guess the answer is yes. Can I control my emotional nature? Certainly more than I could while drinking but not always. Am I a prey to misery and depression? Sometimes. Can I make a living? Yes but perhaps not the living I want. Do I have a feeling of uselessness? Occasionally, more often that I would like. Am I full of fear? I don't think so but the little I have learned makes me think I don't understand the question. Am I unhappy? Not usually but I don't think about it. Can I be of real help to other people? Maybe but I am not confident in my competence.

So we went ahead with the reading. Take turns reading a page at a time. Discussing certain points. I told her a bit about my mother who did suffer permanent brain damage unlike one of the men the Doctor talks about with the gastric stuff. I told her how that led to my sobriety today. My first attempt...my first day...my first meeting...the first time I said I was an alcoholic. When we were done, she said she had no doubt now that I was being led to this process and so she said that she now had no doubt that I should do it. That something was waiting though she didn't know what. I have been feeling led and I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. Kinda freaks me out a little but not enough to stop me, Thank You God.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only change can me within me.

And as soon as I posted it was gone...geesh!

Feed Reader

"You are viewing a feed that contains frequently updated content. When you subscribe to a feed, it is added to the Common Feed List. Updated information from the feed is automatically downloaded to your computer and can be viewed in Internet Explorer and other programs. "

What's up with that? And why did it happen to my blog list? I have a headache.

On the bright side..I'm supposed to be working so maybe this is a sign....xo

Whining

1. My feet are cold

2. My sponser isn't feeling well so had to cancel our coffee/meeting

3. My sponsee called after not talking to her several weeks, she wanted money

4. My fingertip is black and hard

5. My son hasn't called to report his whereabouts as usual

6. I blew off my list this afternoon so I feel like a deadbeat

7. My boss cannot focus and hasn't given me the workers comp info for the hospital yet

8. I tried to post a clip from A Charlie Brown Christmas and it didn't go through

ON THE FLIP SIDE

1. I have heat and can put on socks

2. I can send her a get well chicken soup via facebook

3. I can say no even if it is only 5 bucks

4. Maybe that means its healing?

5. I trust him

6. I am well rested from a nap

7. I can be a calm in the storm

8. I can tell you: THAT'S IT! PANTOPHOBIA! (and to find out you will have to watch it)

And even more..I am sober, serene and settled. peace out

My Turn at Honesty

Thanks Judith over at Vicarious Rising and seems like a good enough reason to test my finger on the keyboard. Forgive the typos....

Most of you have already seen or done this so....


Here's the rules:
List 10 honest things about myself
Pass the award on to 7 bloggers
10 random honest things about ME and it is all about ME:

1. While all my life I "prided" myself on honesty and spouted it all the time....held myself up as a tell it like it is person....this last year of sobriety it the ONLY time I have been truly honest. When I can't be...I shut up.

2. One of the things about honesty that really troubles me....if I haven't been honest with myself all of my life....how do I know I'm being honest with myself now?

3. I have periods of doubt aboout this Higher Power thing.

4. I talk about how busy I am but what I am most busy at is procrastination.

5. I don't like my mother.

6. I've seen my daughter stretch the truth in the same way that I did and I haven't talked to her about it.

7. I know money isn't everything but I wish I had it.

8. When I first started to drive, I used to hit lots of cars in parking lots, not on purpose and leave fake notes so people thought I was doing the "right" thing.

9. I'm a flirt and use my marriage as a shield.

10. I felt bad because I didn't make the list of many bloggers who passed this on.

So now I'm supposed to pass this on to 7 bloggers.....so here goes..

A Sober Woman of God
One Prayer Girl
It's a Brain Disease
In God's Hands
Stop, Drop and Recover
Hand in Hand with the Spirit of the Universe
Recovery Archive
Recovering Wino
Another Sober Alcoholic

I know there's more than seven...see number 10. And if you aren't on the list its cause my finger hurts so consider yourself awarded...xo

ouch

i can't really type too well. I chopped off a corner of my finger today. got 2 stiches and a tetnus shot...so...i'll be remiss in my posts for awhile this time for a real reason. if you could see all my backspaces just to get this out you'd understand. no comments either...but i'll be reading. xo