One the Journey To Becoming More Merciful

This strikes home especially given the title of my blog so I had to share it. I'd say fear of Judgment is what kept me away from AA for so long.

written by VICTORIA S. SCHMIDT

We live in a world that thrives on judgment. All one has to do is listen to the media and we see and hear someone sitting in judgment over someone else. Sadly, this demeanor has become inculturated and trickles down into our everyday lives. I have made many mistakes in judging others. I know that I have been quick to judge other people before I even know what is in their heart. Some years ago I judged my brother harshly and it caused a deep hurt in our family. It separated us from the love that we shared for each other. It wasn't until I sought forgiveness that our relationship was restored.I decided some time ago that I needed to put my judge and jury to rest. It lacks true Christian charity to judge a person harshly when we do not know what is truly in their heart. When I'm tempted to bring out my judge and jury I remember the Beatitude that Jesus spoke, "Blest are they who show mercy; mercy shall be theirs." God knows I have struggled to learn this lesson. The amount of mercy we show to others is the mercy that will be shown to us. On my journey toward becoming more merciful I seek a humble heart that allows me to always seek forgiveness and mercy. Mercy toward others and ourselves softens the harshness of life. -----------------------------------------------------------

VICKI SCHMIDT lives in Springfield, Illinois (USA). She has a missionary heart that has been formed by thirty years of missionary work around the world. She currently serves as Director of Theresian World Ministry, an international Catholic women's organization.

What I am Learning

The most useless thing to do: Worry
The greatest joy Giving
The greatest loss: Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work: helping others
The ugliest personality trait: Selfishness
The most endangered species: Dedicated leaders
The greatest shot in the arm: Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome: Fear
Most effective sleeping pill: Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease: Excuses
The most powerful force in life: Love
The most dangerous pariah: A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer: The brain
The worst thing to be without: Hope
The deadliest weapon: The tongue
The two most power-filled words: I Can
The greatest asset: Faith
The most worthless emotion: Self-pity
The most prized possession: Integrity
The most beautiful attire: A smile
The most powerful channel of communication: Prayer
The most contagious spirit: Enthusiasm
The most important thing in life: GOD

I'd Rather Feel Pain than Nothing At All

I heard this song, Pain, on my way to book club last night. At first I thought, whoa, this is about SEX (nothing wrong with that of course:), but then as I listened, it is to me more about feeling. I drank to numb those feelings be they pain, anger, tension, sadness, and on and on. And I thought I drank to celebrate the good feelings but really I just erased those. So feeling relaxed, happy, funny? How nice. Have a glass of wine. Celebrate into oblivian and wake up numb. Anyway, the song hit me (no pun intended). Good head rocking song, too. Take from it what you will.



Did my book group last night. All took the margarita train but me. Luckily we are also all about the food so that helped. I had no desire but it did feel like odd man out. No discussion about my lack of a cocktail. Linda said do what I've got to do. These girls have been with me a long time. They know me. They know I need this. Hell, we all met when we worked in a bar/restaurant as young mothers. Back in the day, after work, get off shift, count our tips and drink and don't stop till the manager kicks us out. Go to another bar until closing time. If we're lucky, one of the single folks will be having a party and go there too. We won't talk about it as it may hit too close to home for a few of them but not all of them. A few just usually have one or two at the most at book club. But they have watched me overdo it for years. They have driven me home. They have watched me fall. I left last night once the party girls got going. I used to be a party girl. I would have stayed until there was nothing left. I would have had a bunch of margs and then I would have polished off a few bottles of wine. Maybe driven home with one hand over my eye. Idiot. It felt good to have that over.

I went to my morning meeting. Almost didn't because I wanted to sleep in but once I was up I was so happy I did. You know the phrase when you see a good movie, I laughed, I cried. That is how meetings are too me. Someone says something that just really makes me cry. A man celebrating the dragonflies in his front yard. Someone says soemthing laugh out loud funny. It's all recognition. I like not feeling alone. This is a good day.

I am grateful for dragonflies, my country, my friends, my life, music, the Grace of God.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY! CELEBRATE YOUR FREEDOM FROM ALCOHOL!

Sand & Stone

Received this as one of those chain emails. I deleted the parts that rates your worthiness by how many friends you can forward it to. But the message hits a chord.

SAND and STONE

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT.

DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT;

AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT,

BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,

WROTE IN THE SAND:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL;

THEY FOUND AN OASIS,

WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE

AND STARTED DROWNING,

BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING,

HE WROTE ON A STONE:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE ".

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED

AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND

ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU,

YOU WROTE IN THE SAND

AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"

THE FRIEND REPLIED

"WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US

WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND,

WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,

WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE

WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.

"LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND

AND TO CARVE YOUR BLESSINGS IN STONE

Meditation for the Day

Saw this posted elsewhere and I love it.

Learn daily the lesson of trust and calm in the midst of the storms of life.
Whatever of sorrow or difficulty the day may bring, God's command to you is
the same. Be grateful, humble, calm, and loving to all people. Leave each
soul the better for having met you or heard you. For all kinds of people,
this should be your attitude: a loving desire to help and an infectious
spirit of calmness and trust in God. You have the answer to loneliness and
fear, which is calm faith in the goodness and purpose in the universe.

What is a Home Group?

What is a home group?? I went back to that morning meeting. What's good about today. I like it because its postive. There was someone there who was struggling with being newly sober. They just found out they lost a member who od'd. There were concerns about the upcoming 4th of July holiday. Doesn't sound positive does it? But it was somehow. Everyone managed to turn their fears into something positive. I've always tried to live my life from the power of positive thinking. Does it always work? No way. But I love that I found a group that starts there.

When I was at this meeting last Wednesday, I told them I was new and the woman next to me urged me to claim the 24hr to 29 day chip. She was there today and just about pushed me to stand up so I did. It was a wonderful experience because of the response. I do have a regret though. I wish I had turned around and handed it to the guy who sounded like he just had a day, if that. I want him to come back. I think I understand about needing to share it now. Is it weird to feel like I can offer someone ESH at only 3 weeks? I don't know. I just felt it.

And I think I knew I was in the right place when we held hands to say the Lord's Prayer. I couldn't get through it. Tears just started streaming down my face. Up to now, I've been weepy but this could have very well turned into what Oprah calls the ugly cry. The group leader for today just gave me such a comforting hug as did several others. I got a list of the members and numbers. Is that a home group? What does that mean for my participation in other groups? They keep announcing that the Monday night group I attended needs support and a coffeemaker. If I make coffee for them does that mean its my home group? I'm confused. Maybe this is what I should be calling the temp about?

At least I'm not confused about whether I want to drink or not. I DON'T!

I am grateful for my daughter who wants to have dinner with us tonight
I am grateful for Ruth who says the Lord's Prayer gets her too
I am grateful for Chickie who wagged her finger so I'd claim the chip
I am grateful for Sonya who shared her need for a sponser for accountability
I am grateful for Joan who knits through meetings and makes me feel comfortable
I am grateful to be sober

Fear of Failure

Just came home from a meeting. First repeat meeting for me. There hasn't been a meeting I haven't taken something from and this week will be full of second times with the exception of Tuesday which will be a first. Anyway, this afternoon's speaker was a very pleasant Irishman. Loved hearing his brogue and he made me think of my Irish Friend here in the blogosphere. He told his story and one of things he talked about was his fear of failure and that it helped get him through the program. I think that has something to do with how I feel right now and now that I'm in it, meaning AA and recovery, I'm in it to win it. Just diving in whole heartedly. As I feel better and better, it occurs to me, well, maybe just maybe I CAN take a drink and be okay. Test the waters if you will. Why does this thought even occur to me? It's not like I haven't tried and done this before. And that is where AA and posting and yahoo and my family really help. I've got accountability that I never had before. If I take a drink it is an admission of failure the first time I get drunk. Oh I'm sure I could do a convincing performance of a person who could just have one or two, but as in the past it would progress until I'd be hiding how much I drink.

So, normally I would think a fear of failure a fault or a negative but in this case I think it helps. Keeps me in line. I left a message for my so called temporary sponser. Kind of glad she wasn't there because I really didn't have anything to say. I just told her that I felt okay and was checking in because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. When I get to a point that I am able to sponser someone (which I know I shouldn't be thinking of but I am so whatever!) I want to be sure to remember that the sponsee (me) could sure use some directions. Who, What , Where, When and Why and even more importantly HOW.

Okay, I've got gratitude for 6 things:

Kayaking with my friend Marianne this afternoon.
Getting all the laundry done too
The Swan that allowed us to get close
Getting the kayak on top of my car with no help
The concert for Princess Diana

Peace