Never Use Your Daughters Laptop when Blogging

I noticed that some of my comments on others' blogs were no longer showing my name...so I clicked on one and it brought me to...a blog my daughter apparently started and abandoned earlier this year. I can identify because back in the day I started lots of journals...in fact this is the first thing I have ever stuck with. So those mysterious comments you got were from me. I'm not sure how to fix this...I'm on my computer now so hopefully any comments you receive show up from me. Weird....

Anyway, had a great day of nothing yesterday. Woke up, went to the morning meeting which I chair on Fridays. Had a piece of banana creme pie that someone brought. Came home and read a bit then took a nap. Woke up, had some great French Toast my husband made with the leftover bread from yesterday. We all watched Journey to the Center of the Earth together. Brought me back to family movie night. I love my kids. Then...read a little more and took another nap. Caught up in the blogosphere on my daughters laptop..hence this cross identity issue. But I liked using the laptop cause I could stay on my comfy couch under the covers. Then I went to the Friday night women's meeting. Guess who spoke?? You guessed it, the "dour" soul who I had an issue with last week. Guess what? She's not so dour after all. And I identified with her story big time. It was a wonderful meeting and an opportunity for me to tell her that I appreciated getting to know her better and thank her for her story. Thank you God. Came home and attempted to watch Indiana Jones with the husband but I couldn't stay awake. I guess I was tired yesterday. And it felt good to do nothing.

The Morning After

Fifteen hours of cooking for a 1 hour meal and it was worth it. I did not drink in all of those 15 hours and in the past it would have been a sodden event. Dinner would not have been at 3...it would have been whenever. The turkey would not have looked the picture on the cover of Bon Appetit and tasted moist and delicious, it would have most likely been dry and forgotten. The gravy would have been store bought...and I would not have eaten much at all...and I would not have remembered the meal at all. I would not have been able to sit around the table with dessert talking and laughing..., I would not have been able to have a cup of tea with another alcoholic who was using me to hold her up for the day....I would not have been able to send my young adult children off to join their friends later without recrimination and guilt...I would not have been able to tolerate my mother.....I definately would not have been able to watch a movie with my husband. I would not have had the opportunity to see and hug friends at 7 in the morning to share thanks and experience, strenth and hope. I would not have had the opportunity to read and catch up with the sober blogging community of which I am so grateful to be a part of. Only half way down the list but I've got the whole weekend off.

I am so grateful that I do not have the lampshade on my head anymore. I am not hiding anymore. And I am not the butt of stories. And noone has to look for me anymore. I am present. Like that there turkey in my Thanksgiving post. A cute, funny picture but as I went through the day I kept thinking of it more as a metaphor. And this is a miracle. Of course there is no threat of getting my head chopped off and eaten. But that's besides the point:)

I picked up my daughter at school on Wednesday and thought that I would try to make my amends to her and suggested that we go to breakfast. As we sat there I kept waiting for an opening and thinking about how to begin. And then, as I am usually reminded every holiday for the last five years, my daughter described the Christmas when all hell broke loose because the roast started burning in the oven...smoke alarms were going off everywhere, the house was full of smoke. She and my son and husband were running around waving record albums at the detecters, my husband was trying to save the roast. Where was I? I was on our porch, smoking and drinking on the telephone. The door was closed so I had no idea what was going on. Finally I came in...they were all yelling at me...I was yelling at them for blaming me...and we had what was left of dinner. I don't remember it at all...I made a lot of drunk calls that day, don't remember the conversations...but when they called back I had to pretend that my slurred words on their answering machines were intentional...I passed out after dinner...upstairs, alone.

Anyway, that was the opening! And I admitted to my daughter for the first time that that had happened because I was drunk. And I made my amends to her for not being the mother she deserved. For embarrasing her in front of her friends, for dishonesty and all that goes with it. I told her this was part of my recovery and that I wanted her to have the opportunity to share what it had been like for her. She did not share. She listened quietly to what I had to say. I know she was uncomfortable...our family is not used to talking about feelings and emotions...we never discuss elephants.... but I could tell in her face and eyes that she heard me. I was disappointed that it did not turn into the heart to heart I had hoped to have but it was okay.

And then....we changed the subject and then....she began to talk to me about her relationships...her current boyfriend and the one who broke up with her who wants her back. The one who confuses her. She has NEVER talked to me about this stuff before. She trusted me. And therein lies the miracle. Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Grateful

I am grateful:

For my boss, who closed the office for Thanksgiving beginning today and through the weekend...paid!

That I get to pick up my daughter today.

That my husband vacumed yesterday.

All the shopping for Thanksgiving dinner is done and I can start cooking today....without wine.

That my son is enjoying and participating in his senior year of high school, something I never did.

For our President-Elect who has already begun and I already feel more secure.

For the fellowship of AA that rightsizes me when I make a mistake and teaches me valuable lessons on how to work my program and humility.

For the woman mentioned in the previous post....

For the ability to assist someone to recover from this disease and watch them emerge from the paralzying fear and remorse to hope and faith.

For the ability to tell someone in the midst of this disease that I did understand her drama...just wasn't going to participate in it....that it was the insanity of the disease whether she was drinking or not and that there was a solution should she choose to accept.

For the ability to pray for acceptance for myself and for others.

For my Tuesday Step Sisters....and the friendships beyond fellowship that I have been blessed to be a part of.

That because of AA I can practice my principles and can count among my friends for the first time, people of color, of different sexual orientation, and of different economic status.

That my husband is accepting of my desire to open our home to other alcoholics without one for Thanksgiving dinner...as long as it isn't Gary Busey.

That I shared that with my spiritual sponser and she is now grateful for Celebrity Rehab.

That because of this program I can work on being thankful that my mother will be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner.

That my step study sponser and I will begin our work on Friday.

That by the time I came to believe, my sanity had already begun to be restored.

For the understanding that doubt can be a part of faith. Thank you T. , Mother Teresa, and Jesus.

How Not to Have a Resentment

art by www.cristiansaluas.com

We have a Friday night women's group called As Bill Sees It. I really liked the group. Some great solid women there, newcomers show up and women from a transitional detention house as well as some young girls from a halfway house come. The meeting was in a hospital and this one woman used to show up with a dog once in awhile. Noone ever told her not to though it was annoying to some. She said she used the dog therapeutically (I think she's a counsellor) and put a jacket on it to indicate that and I suppose to justify the dog's presence. Anyway, apparantly the dog peed on the rug and the hospital kicked us out. That's not the resentment though I feel bad for the women in the psych unit who will no longer get to come to this meeting.

So the meeting went for weeks without a location and we finally found one. A few of us met in a coffee shop to discuss options, a business meeting I suppose and there is this one woman. She used to be the treasurer of the group. She seems to me to be a dour and grim person. I have not once ever seen her smile. Her shares are incredibly boring and flat. But it usually did not affect me because it was in the meeting and a fairly large group. I did not have to interact with her. Anyway at the coffee shop, we were all just so very happy to see each other and to finally be doing something about the meeting. We discussed locations, conversations some of the women had with the hospital, etc. etc. Catching up on life and the whole time this woman was impatiently waiting for it all to stop. It seemed to me she couldn't stand the joy in the room. We had our business meeting came up with ideas and she was the one charged with negotitating with 2 places for the meeting. And then we didn't hear anything. I couldn't believe we put the fate of the meeting in her hands. But finally last night we had our meeting....at a local facility. Just a few of us because we haven't got the word out yet. They brought us to this lovely room. It's an old house and we were in the parlor, comfy chairs and couches, soft lighting. It was great. An attached dining room so that if the meeting gets bigger there is plenty of room. Everyone was so pleased. Then SHE shows up. All doom and gloom. She was very concerned...that the place had said we could use the room only if it wasn't in use...apparantly they rent it out...that we had actually contracted for this other room...a gym. It's not bad either and will be great if we get big but the other room is so comfortable. But she just could not get over it. I was jumping out of my skin. I swear to God that I wanted to stand up and shake her by the shoulders and say "snap out of it!" We had our meeting she chaired it and the speaker picked gratitude as the topic. It was a good meeting and this woman even shared how happy she was with her life, how content, etc. Hard to believe because she sure doesn't show it but whatever. She impatiently ended the meeting, early I might add, so that she could again tell us that she was concerned about the use of the room, ignored the fact that the facility was the one that brought us there even though she herself acknowledged that we could use it. I don't know, she just made me want to scream. I talked to another woman about it and she acknowledged it but also said that she was an elder of the group. Principles above personalities you know.

I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way. I feel compassion for most people but I don't really for her. She's just a grump. Dour. I used it before and that is the word that perfectly describes her. Definition: 1 : stern , harsh 2 : obstinate , unyielding 3 : gloomy , sullen. That's it exactly. If I try to look at my part in this, I suppose its because she doesn't like me. I want people to like me. So I guess it affects my emotional security. And I think she makes me feel guilty for feeling joyful. Like I'm doing something wrong. And I am sure that my impatience and feelings are all over my face. I don't think there was any eyerolling, I do try to restrain myself but I'll betcha she caught me at the coffee shop. I'll betcha I did it. I was really annoyed. It probably happend unconsciously. She was really spoiling the atmosphere and basically ruining a very nice evening with a very nice group of women. Of course she was sitting right next to me. I don't think I owe her an amends or anything. And in my share I did say I was insecure about how people felt about me and looked right at her. And I thanked her for her service to the group...in finding a place for us even if she doesn't really want it. But I do need to pray for her. And to try to exhibit kindness, not eye rolling and impatience.

Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. Mother Teresa

12th step questions

If you haven't read Mary Christine's postings the last 12 days on the 12 steps please do. Her post today on the 12th step got me to thinking. I have worked with other alcoholics and am now currently sponsering 2 though I now believe I have no business doing so and am in the process of suggesting alternatives to them. I can be the best sober buddy right now, I think I do have a lot to offer, but I don't think I'm qualified to sponser at this point, taking someone through the steps I mean, in my humble opinion. I've looked at my motives and I don't think I'm trying to shirk my responsibility as a recovering alcoholic but that I realize I'm not quite there YET. I've been through the steps but I'm not sure I've got them enough to articulate them to someone else other than just spouting phrases out by rote. That's why I sought out the AWOL and now am in the process of doing a Big Book Step Study. Maybe I'm wrong but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I said yes to these 2 women more for the reason that "I'm just a girl who cain't say no". I am finding I am more involved in helping them work out their daily life than in taking them through the steps. I don't think that's how its supposed to be. The alcoholics that I've reached out to are those who show up at meetings. I do the usual...share my experience, give them my phone number, take their calls, make a few suggestions, give rides, etc. That's where I am right now.

So I guess my question is....what if you know a person outside of the meetings, who exhibits alcoholic behavior, whose lost their job because of it, who is not someone in your family or circle but happens to be an acquaintance. One is a gentleman who the people he works with claim he is an alcoholic whether by his own admission or not I don't know. Whether he has ever sought recovery or not I don't know. I don't really know him at all, just of him. The other was an aide at my mother's facility. She was my mother's favorite, had been there 6 years, the longest of any of the aides and was arrested on site for apparently stealing meds from another resident. She denies it. Is this the kind of person to reach out to in a 12th step call? I know back in the day that is how Dr. Bob and Bill found their prospects. These people have not asked for help but their lives have fallen apart. During meditation this morning it came to me that I could approach them with another alcoholic. Explain my story and offer to help if they so desired. Is that overstepping boundries? I just really am not sure. And if I'm not sure I do nothing until I talk it over with my sponser and in this case seek opinion from those with more experience.

Accountability vs. Sociability

This was shared in my online group and just in time for me. We had an issue in our morning group, someone's annonynmity was violated based upon what she had shared in a meeting. It was used against her out in the "real" world. I see this all the time and have been guilty of it myself..sharing just a little too much both in a meeting and outside. I went to school for social work and my profession is in the legal field. We are bound by the requirements of confidentiality. But the only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. "Whom you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here" is a fine principle but it is not a requirement and there are a lot of sick people out there with no boundries, no values, no sense. Principles and traditions are not requirements. So in the words of the Sargent back in Hill Street Blues days..."Let's be careful out there....

I attend meetings to stay sober and to carry the message—not the mess—to other alcoholics. An old Chinese proverb says, "Fellowship for the sake of friendship is chaos." I do not go to AA meetings to make friends… When this does happen, I count my blessings. But I go to meetings to remember what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. The chaos begins, when I/we forget "principles before personalities," or when I am letting my ego talk/share (Easing God Out). I/we can be getting ourselves, or others, caught up in the drama trauma, and not recovery. The A.A. prog ram has taught me that when I am in a meeting my sharing needs also to benefit the group. Is what I am conveying necessary for the "unity" of the group? Am I sharing my experience, strength and hope? We are to share in a general way—not every detail concerning the drama. For example: I am having a problem with a situation in my life that is causing me (name the feeling), and I am not reacting the way I use to (drinking). Too often, I hear, "Yesterday my boss got me so mad. He/she said blah, blah, blah. And I said blah, blah, blah back. Then, blah blah blah. I left there and drove home in my blah blah blah car. I am so blah, blah blah, and blah blah. 5 minutes or more later… blah, blah blah."

What is the point? If you cannot say what you need to say in 3-5 minutes get together with your sponsor or someone else before or after the meeting and discuss all the details—until you can get to the "underlying cause" of your problem. Another tool in recovery is writing about it until you can "uncover, discover and discard." If you think "the group" will get a lesson or kick out of your longer version of the story…sign up for the speakers list! We need speakers to carry the message. Thank you for letting me share!

Concerned member of AA Mission Viejo, CA

Ps. AA is not group therapy…group therapy is not AA… And DUI classes are neither…they are group detention!