So, the Spirit moved me.....

While on a walk, which I was trying to do in silent meditation, the thought occurred to me how many of us are looking for relief. When I was three months sober, I had a reservation. I was going camping with my girlfriends. I had excused myself from our gatherings thus far because wine had always been a part of them, at least for me. But I didn't want to avoid our annual camping trip and thought that I was ready to engage without drinking and that if need be I could "come out" to them as an alcoholic. BUT...I knew one of them would be bringing pot and I thought maybe, just maybe, I would partake. That wouldn't be breaking my newfound resolve, would it? I didn't think about it much, it was just in the back of my mind. I didn't talk to anyone about it, least of all my sponser. It was just there. A way out. I was looking for a way out of sobriety. Sobriety seemed so BIG then. I was looking for relief. And that's what many of us are looking for...relief. Relief seeking missles.

I find my relief now in Steps 10, 11 & 12 on a daily basis.

I didn't smoke the pot. Thankfully, a Higher Power stepped in. My friend who brought the pot smoked it in secret because she didn't want to share that she smoked pot with another woman who had joined us. So I was by the fire with that woman and another, while the others snuck behind a tent to get high with no announcement. And the fact that I wasn't drinking came up in our campfire discussion and I shared my disease with them and they were very supportive. As I excused myself to use the restroom, I passed my other friends behind the tent. I didn't stop and my reservation was gone and when I got home I discussed it with my sponser who smiled knowingly. I had wanted relief from the bigness of staying sober...the rest of my life.

People seek relief through medications...or I should say..the misuse of medications. I could too. Percoset, Xanax, whatever....I could manufacture some pain very easily...and I have, when I was drinking. If they are, they are not in the same ballgame as I am. I seek my relief in Steps 10, 11 & 12. I was on antidepressants when I got sober and I am not opining on the use of antidepressants. I believe that there are people who legitamately need them, who are incapcitated without them. I wasn't one of them. I got on antidepressants when I was entering the incomprehensible demoralization of alcoholism. I didn't know it then. I heard recently someone talk about that invisible line that we cross from hard drinker into alcoholism. He said he was drunk when he crossed it. I think I was too. My life was simply unmanageable, I didn't know why, and when my primary care phycisian asked me how I was I burst into tears. She suggested antidepressants and I jumped. (Of course I was not honest with her about the amount I drank.) And they worked for a time..even naturally cut back on my drinking for a very short period of time. I thought they were the answers to all my problems. But alcoholic I am and my excessive drinking quickly resurfaced with a vengenance. When I stopped drinking, I was afraid to go off them. Afraid without them I would drink again...but amazingly...that didn't happen. I got my relief from Steps, 10, 11 & 12.

People seek relief through sex. I could too, and I'm not talking about with my husband...or yes, it could be even with my husband. If they are they are not in the same ballgame as I am. I seek my relief in Steps 10, 11 & 12. And on and on it could go, food, gambling, shopping, and more. These are no longer the things I rely on to provide relief. Is that always the case? Absolutely not. I am not a saint. And I forget. And then I find myself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, whatever. And if I take a rigorously honest look at myself, when those feelings arise, I can say I was NOT practicing Steps 10, 11 & 12.

That is why I can say I am grateful to be an alcoholic. Without suffering this disease, Steps 10, 11 & 12 never would have entered my life. My relief from day to day life, Life 101 if you will, would have come from all those outside sources and then some. Because I have this disease which I must treat on a daily basis, I have been given a design for living, through Steps 10, 11 & 12. Thank You.