It's a New Day

Yesterday was a tough one. One of my sponsees went back out. I knew it. Hadn't heard from her in 2 days. She called me Thursday night, high. She came to the morning meeting, high. It was very painful. In fact watching her in the meeting, nodding off, just brought me to tears. And I was chairing the meeting. So that was awkward. It was an involuntary reaction and I'm not sure if it was due to my sadness for her or my own internal struggle with my powerlessness to help her. It has been suggested to me that I emotionally detach. And I think that is what I need to do. But how? I've known this girl for over a year now and have attempted to sponser her for the last month or so. I know my feelings are maternal in nature. She's had a tough life. She's got PTSD and depression which are hard to overcome. And yes, I want to fix it. It's not that I want to be the one, I know this is God's work. But I guess I just want to see it happen so bad. I want her to have the life she deserves. I want her to have what I have. She wants it too, that's why she's asked me to sponser her, but it seems the problem is that she is not willing to go to any and all lengths. And I need to continue to help her but conditionally. I can get her to meetings. But I'm not going to help her get her stuff out of the sober house. I can get her to detox, but I'm not going to take her shopping. This was posted in my online group and I thought I'd share it here.

Interesting unofficial addendum to the sponsorship pamphlet that has been passed around for quite awhile.
1. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself,more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or "fix you up" simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8. I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both you and me.
11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and "hang in there" with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.

Phew! Glad that's over!

Pasta party was a success. They came, they ate, they left. My foyer was filled with smelly sneakers. Another mother came to help and my husband did the cleanup. I had soooooo much food left over. We'll be eating pasta for a week. But even more than that, I called a woman from my morning meeting, a single mom, struggling, with 3 boys and the neighborhood hangout. I was able to bring her a tray of Baked Ziti and a pot of Chicken & Broccoli with Cavetelli. That felt good. She recently started working again but they are taking so much out for insurance and stuff that her take home is nothing. She'll be fine in January but while they play catchup she's going to fall behind. But she brought it to the meeting and because the fellowship is what it is...she's getting the help she needs. I love that.

Did my speaker gig this morning. Brought one of my sponsees with me. ( I love saying that but it feels so wierd. I've got sponsees?) So got to hear more of her story. She said something funny at the meeting. She was an addict and had 3 1/2 years clean, so that means she's not an alcoholic. Yeah, I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't go to AA. We know where that goes. Anyway I told my story..gosh I had butterflies and the room was big...I got a beautiful introduction from the chairperson who I met through my blog...seems she credits me with getting to AA....and we all know it wasn't me...it was something much Higher..She got me all choked up but I started and of course I went on way too long...but its hard to get everything in to explain where I was and how I got here. But what I wanted to share here is how much this forum helped me. On that first day of sobriety, I spent the day on the internet, trying to figure out how I was going to do this. I had surrendered. Complete and utter defeat to alcohol, but still thought I could fix it. As I surfed the net I came upon Red Headed Gal's blog. She hasn't posted in awhile and she will always be in my prayers. I read her blog from her first post and identified with everything. Stopping and starting again. Am I an alcoholic? Life circumstances. Everything. That led me to the rest of you. Decided to start my own blog on Day 2. Journaling had never been something I did. Wanted to, started one many times, never followed through. I guess the keyboard method works well for me. Judith I think was one of the first to find me as well as Irish Friend and johno. They encouraged me and gave me direction. Scout, who I miss and also pray for, is the one who after my writing for 2 weeks, about the program I was creating for myself, a little of this, a little of that, said.."Do you even go to meetings?" And nope, I didn't. I thought I'd take a teaspoon of AA, a dash of Smart Recovery, a tablespoon of journaling, read my yahoo group (of course, not actually participate), read blogs, and read the book Living Sober and that would be enough. I didn't want to actually talk to people, live and in person. Didn't want them to see me. That helped me not drink for about 2 weeks and then somehow I found myself at an AA meeting and thankfully to real sobriety. I met a woman there who directed me to the next meeting. I have been listening and following directions ever since. I didn't do 90 in 90. I did 180 in 90. And kept going. I read the Big Book. I found a sponser. I shared. I reached out my hand. Did roundups, retreats and above all as I went through the steps, had a spiritual awakening and learned that I had a Higher Power who is with me every day. Just like it says in the Big Book. Imagine that?

I'm so busy doing things I'm Getting nothing done

This has been what I've been saying when people aske me how I am and I need to stop. I am busy, yes. But I am getting things done, just perhaps not to my own, flawed satisfaction. And even as I write, I was about to go into a litany of things I've done since I last wrote to prove that I'm busy all the while thinking about what's ahead of me. I'll spare you.

I will say this, one thing that I did accomplish was come to the realization that I need to do more than just a living amends as they call it to my children. Up to now, it was enough to just not be drinking and to share my milestones with them. I thought about the amends, sort of like a drive by. In the car, maybe I'd tell them I was sorry for not being the mother they deserved and for the pain and embarrassment I am sure I caused them. But the time never seemed right. But out of the blue, after talking to another alcoholic about her family, it occurred to me that I need to take each one out to lunch and make my amends and give them the opportunity to share how my drinking made them feel. So that's the plan. I will do the same thing with my husband. I've been postponing that one because I'm not sure I can make amends for everything. Still deciding if one particular behavior of mine will cause him harm or if I'm just being self serving. But I can still move forward and begin the amends and let God decide.

And being a sponser or I should say trying to be a sponser is a tough job but it is true, it has its rewards. And I do want to be that person that walks the talk so I will stick with it. I've given both my sponsees a set of Joe and Charlie CDs I made. I listened to them constantly early on and they helped me to understand and take the steps. I'm listening to them again. Found a speaker set on sponsership itself from Chris & Myer. Listened to the first one and it sounds like I should download the rest. They talked alot about old time sponsership and how it is getting away from the fellowship now.

Right now I'm just trying to be available to them, getting them to meetings and encouraging them to make other contacts in AA so that they have someone to talk to when I am not available. I have seen both of them do that which was exciting to see someone actually listen to you. And I listen and try to point out the step where they seem to be and how they can get to the next step. But to formally sit down and do them, is not how I did them with my sponser with the exception of Step 5 and I dont' want to shortchange them. I was a very motivated student. I kind of did the step myself and then after the fact would talk to my sponser about it and she'd point out what I might be missing or encourage me further. I'm not sure that would be enough for these girls.

Miss AddictedtoLove seems to be too wrapped up in her relationship to focus on sobriety though she's progressing. And MissKeepsComingBack is still trying to figure out if she's doing this for herself or to get past the next Court hurdle. I'm torn between trying to help them with life 101 and just simply getting through the steps. One of my defects is to become too empathetic to the point of losing myself. So I guess its all about balance. Work in progress.

Anyway, the 2 big things ahead of me is a pasta party on Wednesday for the varsity soccer team. Last game of the regular season. They made it to the playoffs and the parents gave my son, the keeper, a standing ovation when he came off the field last night. Very nice but he didn't even see it. He's a focused boy. This party would have been an occasion for huge quantities of alcohol for me. I would have popped a few while prepping with the thought that the boys would never notice. Maybe have a glass tucked away somewhere, worrying all the time whether another parent would show up. Then once they leave, which is pretty quick, the swoop the food, play a video game and go home, I would have downed quite a bit to recover from the "stress" of putting it all together. I am not that person anymore.

Thursday I get to speak at a meeting in another town. Scared to death of course, but I'm happy to do it. I think it will be a better way to recover from the pasta party than anything I used to do.

Have a great day!

500 Days

WOW! Who'd a thunk it? Not me.

Seems like a milestone. 500 very different but sober filled days. 500 reasons to be grateful.

Letting Go

Last night, just before I fell asleep, I heard my father say my name. I haven't heard his voice for 10 years and it was clear as day to me. It was comforting yet at the same time disconcerting. As I shared about it this morning I realized that I don't need to read anything more into than what it was...my father who is always with me. After he died my mother kept his voice on the answering machine and I used to call it when I knew she wasn't there to hear him. I don't have to call the answering machine anymore.

I gave up buying the coffee supplies for my morning meeting. I realized that the reason I jump in to do EVERYTHING is because of my EGO. If I don't do it noone will. If someone else does it they won't do it right. I am expected to do it. This is all stuff in my own head. So I raised my hand yesterday and offered the job up...I already chair Fridays and update the members list for that group not to mention the other groups I'm involve in. I had a few people in mind that I thought could use the job..but lo and behold...this one guy (kind of a whack job, but no judgement) offered and my first reaction was "anyone but you!". And I said it out loud! Geeesh! Talk about putting your defects out on the carpet for everyone to see. But I'll let it go..its going to be tough. And I think I'll stop at Dunkin Donuts before the meeting from now on.

And I took on another sponsee. I can't say no when someone is looking for help. But as my sponser reminded me, I don't have to sponser her in the same way I sponser the other girl. And I really need to set my boundries with both of them. I have trouble with that. It is easy for me to put someone else before myself and my husband wishes it were him. I'm a work in progress. I'll get there. And it is amazing how sponsering another alcoholic really comes back to you. I am getting more and more grounded. It is becoming more clear to me what Steps 1, 2 and 3 mean. All that stuff you hear in meetings is really true...freaky.

The AWOL, well, its not bad but I'm not sure its going to be right for me. Last night we had to go around the room and share what we hoped to get out of the AWOL. Since I dont' even really know what an AWOL is, that was hard to do. I shared that I felt like I was at my first AA meeting. Everyone seems to know everyone else and I don't know anyone. I don't know what I'm in for. But that I'm looking for confirmation that I'm on the right path as far as the steps go and that I thought I could use more structure and I thought I might find it here. I also think it will help me as I begin to sponser others. A lot of people there had done this before, the facilitator had done 13....they all talked about how wonderful it was...how close they became to the people in the group...it was magical. I don't really want that experience. I have become very close to the people in my AA groups and I don't think I have room for more. I'm not looking for magic, just clarity. Anyway, I will remain open, honest and willing.

One of the reasons I think my head is swirling around with this stuff is that I haven't taken the time to write here recently. Yes I tried to post the other day and that got wiped out and it has made me feel disconnected. I am very grateful for this forum that allows me to share and work out my feelings in a way that we can't always do in the time we have to share at a meeting. And when I work it out here I can better share at a meeting because I've organized my thoughts. Anyway...

Let Go and Let God is my mantra for the day. xo

Really Annoying

I wrote a whole post this morning with video and everything. About how I'm just a Girl who can't say NO. And it has disappeared..except for the title. Probably has something to do with youtube but anyway, I'm not going to drink over it. I guess that's all that matters.

Running on Empty

It's been a crazy week. Well not crazy really but busy. I've been working several newcomers including my sponsee. Actually they are not so new, they are in and out and could be considered chronic relapsers. Tough crowd. And then there's me. They know more about the program of AA than I do in terms of what the Big Book says and prinicples. The difference is that once I got here I have stayed (so far), I live it. I don't think these gals have ever really lived it. Its a fine line between being accesible and helping and getting manipulated. I'm trying to learn where that line is with the help of my sponser and other women in the program. Thank God for them. I am learning that there are alot of screwed up people out there and regardless of their length of sobriety or what they say at meetings they live lives that are spiritually corrupt. I''m not naive but you leave yourself vulnerable when you are open and honest and we want to feel safe and that everyone is on the same plane but the fact is we are not. And when a struggling alcoholic comes across one of these people its doomsday. I had to essentially extract an alcoholic from one of these situations. I wanted to scream at the offending party who's got like 18 years or something and should know better and then I realized that while he may have the physical part of this disease down, the emotional, mental and spiritual are lost right now and he is just as sick as the woman who is still drinking. Thankfully I was able to help in that moment. But I have to know that it is not within my grasp to "fix" it. I can just be there with my hand out. But I do have to be really careful not to let this consume me. Not to allow my family to take a back seat or my responsibilities or program. This is a part of it but so is prayer and meditation and my family and I must admit I'm struggling there.

And Hank tagged me with regards to Step 1 and that is amazing in and of itself because I've talking about Step 1 all week. It seems to me that many of us when we get here have admitted that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. That's why we look for help, things are out of control and we don't know what to do. We learn through trial and error that we cannot seem to quit by ourselves. Being powerless over alcohol to me meant that I was drinking without my permission. No matter how determined I was one minute, the next minute I was drinking. I could rationalize my way to a bottle at any moment. I woke up every morning, sick, hungover, shaking yet by the afternoon I was drinkiing again and not stopping at one. My behavior was inconsistant with who I claimed to be, with my values. But it didn't matter I still drank. My life was unmanageable because of that. I was not in control of situations, plans anything because alcohol was ruling the day. One of the women I'm working with said that she didn't think I was a real alcoholic. I couldn't be in her eyes because I got sober and I'm happy. But once I shared some of my "escapades" she could understand. They seem so far away now. I am so grateful for that.

And to carry it futher....

So it occurred to me that if we can admit we are powerless then what we are left with is a choice (oldtimers correct me if you see it differently). If we don't have the power then our choice becomes where the power lies. Does it lie with King Alcohol or does it lie elsewhere? And if you can agree to choose that the power lies elsewhere then you have come to believe in a power greater than yourself and alcohol. Now that can be AA, the group, or better yet a God of your understanding. To me they are one in the same because the God of my understanding lives in people. Then the second part of that step is came to believe that the power can restore you to sanity. If you have chosen King Alcohol as your power then, sadly I would have to say, no it won't. But if you choose otherwise then remember that it says CAN restore you to sanity. It doesn't necessarily say WILL. So if you have doubts about what that Higher Power can do, can't you at least give it a shot and see what happens? The rest of the steps explain how you WILL be restored.

So please share your thoughts on Step 1: I'm taggin' everyone.