The Morning After

Fifteen hours of cooking for a 1 hour meal and it was worth it. I did not drink in all of those 15 hours and in the past it would have been a sodden event. Dinner would not have been at 3...it would have been whenever. The turkey would not have looked the picture on the cover of Bon Appetit and tasted moist and delicious, it would have most likely been dry and forgotten. The gravy would have been store bought...and I would not have eaten much at all...and I would not have remembered the meal at all. I would not have been able to sit around the table with dessert talking and laughing..., I would not have been able to have a cup of tea with another alcoholic who was using me to hold her up for the day....I would not have been able to send my young adult children off to join their friends later without recrimination and guilt...I would not have been able to tolerate my mother.....I definately would not have been able to watch a movie with my husband. I would not have had the opportunity to see and hug friends at 7 in the morning to share thanks and experience, strenth and hope. I would not have had the opportunity to read and catch up with the sober blogging community of which I am so grateful to be a part of. Only half way down the list but I've got the whole weekend off.

I am so grateful that I do not have the lampshade on my head anymore. I am not hiding anymore. And I am not the butt of stories. And noone has to look for me anymore. I am present. Like that there turkey in my Thanksgiving post. A cute, funny picture but as I went through the day I kept thinking of it more as a metaphor. And this is a miracle. Of course there is no threat of getting my head chopped off and eaten. But that's besides the point:)

I picked up my daughter at school on Wednesday and thought that I would try to make my amends to her and suggested that we go to breakfast. As we sat there I kept waiting for an opening and thinking about how to begin. And then, as I am usually reminded every holiday for the last five years, my daughter described the Christmas when all hell broke loose because the roast started burning in the oven...smoke alarms were going off everywhere, the house was full of smoke. She and my son and husband were running around waving record albums at the detecters, my husband was trying to save the roast. Where was I? I was on our porch, smoking and drinking on the telephone. The door was closed so I had no idea what was going on. Finally I came in...they were all yelling at me...I was yelling at them for blaming me...and we had what was left of dinner. I don't remember it at all...I made a lot of drunk calls that day, don't remember the conversations...but when they called back I had to pretend that my slurred words on their answering machines were intentional...I passed out after dinner...upstairs, alone.

Anyway, that was the opening! And I admitted to my daughter for the first time that that had happened because I was drunk. And I made my amends to her for not being the mother she deserved. For embarrasing her in front of her friends, for dishonesty and all that goes with it. I told her this was part of my recovery and that I wanted her to have the opportunity to share what it had been like for her. She did not share. She listened quietly to what I had to say. I know she was uncomfortable...our family is not used to talking about feelings and emotions...we never discuss elephants.... but I could tell in her face and eyes that she heard me. I was disappointed that it did not turn into the heart to heart I had hoped to have but it was okay.

And then....we changed the subject and then....she began to talk to me about her relationships...her current boyfriend and the one who broke up with her who wants her back. The one who confuses her. She has NEVER talked to me about this stuff before. She trusted me. And therein lies the miracle. Thank you.