Yesterday was a tough one. One of my sponsees went back out. I knew it. Hadn't heard from her in 2 days. She called me Thursday night, high. She came to the morning meeting, high. It was very painful. In fact watching her in the meeting, nodding off, just brought me to tears. And I was chairing the meeting. So that was awkward. It was an involuntary reaction and I'm not sure if it was due to my sadness for her or my own internal struggle with my powerlessness to help her. It has been suggested to me that I emotionally detach. And I think that is what I need to do. But how? I've known this girl for over a year now and have attempted to sponser her for the last month or so. I know my feelings are maternal in nature. She's had a tough life. She's got PTSD and depression which are hard to overcome. And yes, I want to fix it. It's not that I want to be the one, I know this is God's work. But I guess I just want to see it happen so bad. I want her to have the life she deserves. I want her to have what I have. She wants it too, that's why she's asked me to sponser her, but it seems the problem is that she is not willing to go to any and all lengths. And I need to continue to help her but conditionally. I can get her to meetings. But I'm not going to help her get her stuff out of the sober house. I can get her to detox, but I'm not going to take her shopping. This was posted in my online group and I thought I'd share it here.Interesting unofficial addendum to the sponsorship pamphlet that has been passed around for quite awhile.
1. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself,more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or "fix you up" simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8. I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both you and me.
11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and "hang in there" with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.
1. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
2. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself,more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
4. I cannot give you dreams or "fix you up" simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8. I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both you and me.
11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and "hang in there" with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.
6 comments:
I'm sorry about the sponsee. I do agree that if she isn't ready to go to any lengths then there is nothing to do for her until she is. I made a decision to not sponsor anyone until they tell me that they are ready to go to any length. If they hesitate or equivocate, I tell them to pray on it and keep going to meetings. These aren't alcoholics but people affected by alcoholism who aren't ready to give up their pain. I can't make them work the steps. They have to want to have the promise of serenity themselves.
I hope that she decides that she is ready. And I know that you'll be there.
What an moving post, I feel for you and her, it is so hard to know the miracle that is recovery and sobriety, and then to just allow others to do their work...or not. It's compassionate detachment and it's one of the hardest things I have confronted in sobriety. I send you and her my prayers today...you are often in my thoughts and I truly love your blog.
I wanted to also say thank you for the addendum...they were very good to read and I will come back to them.
Sending love,
G
There is nothing easy about our program.
Thanks for posting the addendum.
I'm sorry about your sponsee. Painful stuff. I thank you though for posting the list of good sponsorship behaviors. My addict daughter just moved back home, coming out of a very bad situation and that list brought a lot of clarity to me as to what my job is. The lines often get muddied for me and I find myself drifting over into her business.
Thanks for sharing! Good stuff!
Yes its sad Kathy but u gotta remember thats what alcoholics do by there very nature, I think u are doing the right thing, she is lucky to have a good sponsor.
Anyway I better go pick luke up and call at the chines, yes ill see u next at the monastry
"Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices."
BIG BOOK-DOCTORS OPINION PXXVI.HTML
If he does not want to stop drinking, don’t waste time trying to persuade him.
BIG BOOK-CHAPTER SEVEN P90.HTML
" Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance."
p96
yep. carry the message not the alcoholic.
the sad thing is. that if they are not willing to go to any lengths. it is only a matter of time before they drink again. eventually, they go mad and die. but in the beginning they start the cycle of drinking.
very sad.
i fing the kindest thing to both me AND them is to cut them no slck whatsoever until they are out of the woods.
a good step one is extraordinarily difficult. very very demanding. impossible if they are not willing to go to AL.
Part of the machinery of step one is making an accurate diagnosis as to whether they really ARE willing to go to AL. as otherwise you build on sand and watch the whole sorry mess fall apart in front of your eyes. eventually.
very tiring and soul destroying.
so yeah that's one of the most important things about step 1. it is as much an education for sponsor as it is for the sponsee. a god test of how well we know what is most important about the ability to stay sober and what exactly is required.
otherwise its just like watching a slow death. rather than rubberneck a disaster, i move on to those i CAN help. its hard work isnt it? ah well don't worry. these beatings show us how to REALLY help others. the defeats are SO heartbreaking we have no choice really..
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