Love is Patient and Kind.

I made my amends to my husband yesterday. Saturday was our 22nd wedding anniversary. We hadn't done anything special as we had to attend a funeral and then an auction for our son's senior class. After the auction we went out "for drinks" with another couple who we have known for sometime as our boys have been friends since nursery school. Of course I wasn't drinking and I just said I didn't drink anymore because it wasn't good for me. That led to a discussion of our youth and our various experiences with drugs and alcohol and how we reconciled that with our kids. My husband brought up how I had shared with our children the time when he was 17 and had driven his cadillac into a house. And he was upset that I had told them that. He said I believed in transparancy with our kids (I don't) and he didn't think we should share everything with them. I think I brought it up. and I'm sure I was drinking at the time, to retaliate for something he had said about my driving. You know like, " oh yeah, well let me tell you about the time...." On the way home, I told him that I shouldn't have shared that story with our children and we had a brief discussion about it. I apologized, told him that I didn't believe in transparancy and that I hadn't told the kids he was drunk at the time (though I would think it could be inferred). He was happy with that.

But yesterday morning, upon awakening, I thought, this seems like the time. So I took him to brunch for our belated anniversary celebration with the intention of making my amends. It was tough to start the conversation. But I did. I explained that this was part of my recovery and while I couldn't apologize for every instance I could share that because I was drinking I said and did things to him that were not fair, were mean-spirited, and were ill advised. I shared that because I was drinking I felt less than and in order to feel better I said and did things that knocked him down. Because I couldn't stop drinking I didn't come home when I should as a wife and mother and did things that were against my values. I came up with examples and said it would not be possible for me to identify everything because after 22 years of marriage and 4 years of dating, there were far too many. The examples I did put forward, he didn't even remember! But he got the point. I also took the responsibility for my part in our lack of intimacy. That it must not have been pleasant to come home to a sloppy, drunk wife. All in all I think it went well. We did not have the heart to heart I would have liked. He's one of those guys that has trouble expressing emotion or even identifying them. In fact he said, okay but now we will have menopause to deal with.. meaning, maybe its not going to get better in our relationship. But my side of the street in clean. Maybe now he will get the advantage of me practicing these principles in all my affairs. But I am not wearing rose colored glasses. His side of the street, not so clean, but that is none of my concern. I can't change that, or react to it. I have done my part and it feels infinitely better to have done so. Like maybe I'm not so bad after all.