During a step meeting last week, a woman whom I greatly respect shared how angry she is with her husband for dying. She has over 40 years of sobriety and was married for longer than that. She has had to make alot of changes in her life. She was talking about the bereavement group she attends and shared her pain. She helped me so much because it was at that moment that I realized how angry I am at my father for dying almost 10 years ago. He was only 58 and had non hodgkins lymphoma. Was trying to get well enough for a stem cell transplant but didn't make it. I was shocked. Even though I knew he could die I never really thought it would happen. Even though I had sooo many issues with him, I never thought he wouldn't be in my life to debate, look up to, defy, prove myself to and on and on. This picture was taken 2 months before he died. He doesn't look like he's going to die does he?And now I just had a beautiful weekend with my family and my brothers family. I was sober. Essentially, I am left with taking care of things. My mother couldn't. So now I take care of her. My Dad always did that. He was the HEAD HONCHO and now he's gone. My brothers can't or won't. I think can't is more like it. My mother can't. And I don' t like it. I do it but I don't like it. I don't want to. I want my Dad back to take care of me and us. To be in charge of the clan. But that is my charge now.
Thankfully, now that I am sober, I am able a little better. And I understand that it is not really me doing the taking care of. I have turned that over. And that is why we were able to have a beautiful weekend. The kids played and were just so excited for the Easter bunny. I did most of the cooking but because I was sober I was able to accept help and to have company in the kitchen. I can accept my mother for who she is not what I want her to be. I can pray for my brother who I can see is struggling with many of the same defects that I have. I can enjoy my sister in law who I felt very hurt by and now realize that it was only my own wall that caused the hurt. I can love my husband and children unconditionally and when that becomes troublesome I can pray.
This wandered to places I had no idea. But as I sat looking at the full moon tonight, the same full moon I looked upon when my Dad died, I just needed to talk about the anger I feel. The burden. But the anger is becoming replaced with sadness and acceptance. And perhaps someday it will be replaced with something better. I'm growing up it seems.
5 comments:
I just stopped by and wanted to tell you that I enjoy your posts. I think it is really cool how one person's comment at a meeting opened up a new door of acceptance and gratitude for you. I like trash TV too sometimes but lately I don't find myself too commited to any show. Hey, did you make that little peep thingy? You should check out bentobjects.blogspot.com/ He has some really cute and clever stuff on there. Some of it is really funny too. 9 months is awesome! Ah, but so many growing pains! You will figure out the balance and find your niche. I am finding time to work on some of my old hobbies that I used to enjoy like playing my guitar. I sound a little better playing sober! LOL.
my dad died before they (him and my mom) were going to take a well-deserved holiday to their homeland, germany. and i was so very angry. that this time was taken away from him, after having worked so hard all his life. he passed away in 1992, and it took me over 15 years to deal with it. that and everything else he brought into my life, the good and the bad. you are going about things the right way though, stick it out, grow up we all do. (eventually for some, heee heee)
YES - you MUST GET the book Eat Pray Love - i have a feeling you'll LOVE it.. it's light hearted and goes with all we've been learning. you'll know what i mean after you get into it. :)
love ya!
I miss my dad and my mother. I've made my amends to them. But without them, it's as if I have become older on the inside.
HEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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