AWOL

I started an AWOL last night. I know there is controversary regarding this in some areas. It's not an AA approved program. They don't announce it in meetings nor is it listed in meeting books. You have to learn about it through word of mouth and so its tough to find out about. It stands for AA Way of Life and is a "meeting" or "class" where you must committ to attend for 26 weeks and you go through the steps in a group. It's pretty popular around here. This particular group uses the Big Book and the 12 x 12 so I thought that was good. Its attended by only alcoholics and facilitated by alcoholics. I talked to my sponser about it and she said I'd already "done" the steps so I didn't need it for that but I think this might help me to better live the steps. She was introduced to the steps through an AWOl back in the day. Its certainly not going to hurt to take a deeper look, at least that was our feeling. The facilitators said there are two reasons to attend, to learn about the steps and to do the steps. Both acceptable but one perhaps more rewarding than the other. I guess I'm just looking for more confirmation that I'm doing the steps the "right" way or maybe I'm just looking for more structure. I don't know why I have to do this all the time. Always seeking to be the "A" student. I'm still wanting to check off those boxes. Thing is, I have found I need to check those boxes every day. Yup, still powerless over alcohol, check. Yup, I believe I can be restored to sanity, check. Yup, turned my will over, check, etc., etc. Anyway, I really don't know what it is. And I'm staying open. Kind of freaked me out that many people were there for the second, third, fourth and even 13th time. I asked about that. There are several reasons. Some people don't complete the full 26 weeks and come back. Imagine that, huge drop off rate around the 4th and 5th step. And then I guess what happens is that working the steps this way becomes a way of life, hence the name. My preconcieved notion is that I've got meetings for that. I've had to give up my Tuesday night meeting for this and I am sad about that but as one woman said, we will be here when you get back. I think maybe some people object to this because there is a danger that some may try to replace their meetings with this but I have no intention of doing that. My meeting schedule will remain the same. I've heard of one in NH that actually sells shirts and hats and stuff, and is in a sense competing with AA. Not cool. This does not appear to be that. So I'll give it a try. I think its similar to reading outside literature, like the Augusten Burroughs book Dry, or Heather King's Parched. Just an enhancement not a replacement. Sort of like going to church. Won't keep you sober but it could help if that is how you understand your Higher Power.

I was going to do this with my sponsee but due to her circumstances she could not go last night. In all honesty, I think I was suggesting it to her because then I wouldn't have to take her through the steps myself, just be with her. Cop out, isn't it? It sounded like she could still go but I don't think I will encourage that and my sponser thinks that is a good idea. Both for her and for me. It doesn't seem like a way to GET sober, and that is what she needs right now. What it may do is give me a better understanding of how I can sponser her and help her through the steps. And having her there may inhibit me. It seemed to me that she wanted to participate because I was not because she wanted it...so....

Still can't believe this is me. But I'm sober and that is the bottom line.