I'm so busy doing things I'm Getting nothing done

This has been what I've been saying when people aske me how I am and I need to stop. I am busy, yes. But I am getting things done, just perhaps not to my own, flawed satisfaction. And even as I write, I was about to go into a litany of things I've done since I last wrote to prove that I'm busy all the while thinking about what's ahead of me. I'll spare you.

I will say this, one thing that I did accomplish was come to the realization that I need to do more than just a living amends as they call it to my children. Up to now, it was enough to just not be drinking and to share my milestones with them. I thought about the amends, sort of like a drive by. In the car, maybe I'd tell them I was sorry for not being the mother they deserved and for the pain and embarrassment I am sure I caused them. But the time never seemed right. But out of the blue, after talking to another alcoholic about her family, it occurred to me that I need to take each one out to lunch and make my amends and give them the opportunity to share how my drinking made them feel. So that's the plan. I will do the same thing with my husband. I've been postponing that one because I'm not sure I can make amends for everything. Still deciding if one particular behavior of mine will cause him harm or if I'm just being self serving. But I can still move forward and begin the amends and let God decide.

And being a sponser or I should say trying to be a sponser is a tough job but it is true, it has its rewards. And I do want to be that person that walks the talk so I will stick with it. I've given both my sponsees a set of Joe and Charlie CDs I made. I listened to them constantly early on and they helped me to understand and take the steps. I'm listening to them again. Found a speaker set on sponsership itself from Chris & Myer. Listened to the first one and it sounds like I should download the rest. They talked alot about old time sponsership and how it is getting away from the fellowship now.

Right now I'm just trying to be available to them, getting them to meetings and encouraging them to make other contacts in AA so that they have someone to talk to when I am not available. I have seen both of them do that which was exciting to see someone actually listen to you. And I listen and try to point out the step where they seem to be and how they can get to the next step. But to formally sit down and do them, is not how I did them with my sponser with the exception of Step 5 and I dont' want to shortchange them. I was a very motivated student. I kind of did the step myself and then after the fact would talk to my sponser about it and she'd point out what I might be missing or encourage me further. I'm not sure that would be enough for these girls.

Miss AddictedtoLove seems to be too wrapped up in her relationship to focus on sobriety though she's progressing. And MissKeepsComingBack is still trying to figure out if she's doing this for herself or to get past the next Court hurdle. I'm torn between trying to help them with life 101 and just simply getting through the steps. One of my defects is to become too empathetic to the point of losing myself. So I guess its all about balance. Work in progress.

Anyway, the 2 big things ahead of me is a pasta party on Wednesday for the varsity soccer team. Last game of the regular season. They made it to the playoffs and the parents gave my son, the keeper, a standing ovation when he came off the field last night. Very nice but he didn't even see it. He's a focused boy. This party would have been an occasion for huge quantities of alcohol for me. I would have popped a few while prepping with the thought that the boys would never notice. Maybe have a glass tucked away somewhere, worrying all the time whether another parent would show up. Then once they leave, which is pretty quick, the swoop the food, play a video game and go home, I would have downed quite a bit to recover from the "stress" of putting it all together. I am not that person anymore.

Thursday I get to speak at a meeting in another town. Scared to death of course, but I'm happy to do it. I think it will be a better way to recover from the pasta party than anything I used to do.

Have a great day!