Letting Go

Last night, just before I fell asleep, I heard my father say my name. I haven't heard his voice for 10 years and it was clear as day to me. It was comforting yet at the same time disconcerting. As I shared about it this morning I realized that I don't need to read anything more into than what it was...my father who is always with me. After he died my mother kept his voice on the answering machine and I used to call it when I knew she wasn't there to hear him. I don't have to call the answering machine anymore.

I gave up buying the coffee supplies for my morning meeting. I realized that the reason I jump in to do EVERYTHING is because of my EGO. If I don't do it noone will. If someone else does it they won't do it right. I am expected to do it. This is all stuff in my own head. So I raised my hand yesterday and offered the job up...I already chair Fridays and update the members list for that group not to mention the other groups I'm involve in. I had a few people in mind that I thought could use the job..but lo and behold...this one guy (kind of a whack job, but no judgement) offered and my first reaction was "anyone but you!". And I said it out loud! Geeesh! Talk about putting your defects out on the carpet for everyone to see. But I'll let it go..its going to be tough. And I think I'll stop at Dunkin Donuts before the meeting from now on.

And I took on another sponsee. I can't say no when someone is looking for help. But as my sponser reminded me, I don't have to sponser her in the same way I sponser the other girl. And I really need to set my boundries with both of them. I have trouble with that. It is easy for me to put someone else before myself and my husband wishes it were him. I'm a work in progress. I'll get there. And it is amazing how sponsering another alcoholic really comes back to you. I am getting more and more grounded. It is becoming more clear to me what Steps 1, 2 and 3 mean. All that stuff you hear in meetings is really true...freaky.

The AWOL, well, its not bad but I'm not sure its going to be right for me. Last night we had to go around the room and share what we hoped to get out of the AWOL. Since I dont' even really know what an AWOL is, that was hard to do. I shared that I felt like I was at my first AA meeting. Everyone seems to know everyone else and I don't know anyone. I don't know what I'm in for. But that I'm looking for confirmation that I'm on the right path as far as the steps go and that I thought I could use more structure and I thought I might find it here. I also think it will help me as I begin to sponser others. A lot of people there had done this before, the facilitator had done 13....they all talked about how wonderful it was...how close they became to the people in the group...it was magical. I don't really want that experience. I have become very close to the people in my AA groups and I don't think I have room for more. I'm not looking for magic, just clarity. Anyway, I will remain open, honest and willing.

One of the reasons I think my head is swirling around with this stuff is that I haven't taken the time to write here recently. Yes I tried to post the other day and that got wiped out and it has made me feel disconnected. I am very grateful for this forum that allows me to share and work out my feelings in a way that we can't always do in the time we have to share at a meeting. And when I work it out here I can better share at a meeting because I've organized my thoughts. Anyway...

Let Go and Let God is my mantra for the day. xo