THREE YEARS

Hey There...its been awhile. Today is three years for me. Three years ago I woke up on this mornng..it was a Monday...and I was soooooooooooooooo hungover. I hadn't passed out, I hadn't blackout...but it had been a weekend that I had planned to quit drinking yet again and I hadn't. The day before was a nice day and I spent it on my porch reading and drinking wine...then I made dinner and I drank wine...then we watched the Sopranos finale and I drank wine. And then I went to bed. And when I woke up I was sick...again. And I couldn't go to work...again. I was shaking, my insides had siezed in a constant feeling of panic and anxiety. I looked like shit. I stank. I could not pull it together. So I faked a cold and called in sick and I layed down on my couch full of the "bitter morass of self pity." But I was restless and discontent...I was really angry with myself and full of shame...and a thought came to me that I could not go on like this and I didn't want this to be just another day. I knew I could just fall back asleep and sleep it off....eat something big and gross and I'd feel physically better, this was my practice and I'd drink again...but I didn't want to drink again. So I went to my computer....I went to the AA Beginners Group on Yahoo and read their posts.....I'd been lurking there for a few years thinking maybe I had a problem...maybe I could learn something that could help me solve the problem...I didn't really want to do anything....I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to be able to have a drink and not feel this way. I didn't know I could never have a drink. That the first one I spent so much time justifying and rationalizing was the one that got me every time. I thought maybe I needed rehab so I looked for ones in my area...there was a doctor who wrote articles on alcholism in our local paper and I looked him up. Then I stumbled upon the Top 100 Sober Blogs....and started reading....actually I read a blog called Journey to Recovery by Red Headed Gal and I very much identified with her. I spent my day on the computer doing this stuff and then I went to bed. I didn't tell my husband I was planning to quit...I just didn't have a drink for that one day. Then the next day I thought maybe I should start my own blog....journal...I'd never done that before. And I thought, maybe I should follow some of the suggestions I'd read in the book Living Sober...and that the members of AABC talked about. And so I started my own little progam taking a little of this and a little of that and then I wrote about it here. And a few people found me and welcomed me...made some suggestions.....redirected me...until after about 2 weeks of trying it alone....I knew it wasn't working this little program of my own design and I took the plunge...I went to my first AA meeting and I've been going ever since. It works. But I can't just sit there and expect to become sober just as you can't sit in a garage and expect to become a car. I had to take the actual steps....and I did and the obsession to drink was lifted. When I understood that my body reacted to alcohol in an abnormal way, my guilt and shame at my inability to control my drinking subsided...and when I learned there was a Solution and followed the guidelines in How it Works..I experienced a Spiritual Awakening that replaced all desire for alcohol and provided me with a way of experiencing and looking at the world with new eyes. And though I had no idea a Spiritual Awakening is what was coming..it did. And it may not be a thunderbolt or white light..it may not be conventional in any sense...but Its a new beginning. and I am very grateful.

So the apples are for my teachers..for all of you bloggers who share your lives and offer such inspiration and support, for the members of AABC who carry the message to people like me, afraid and ashamed, to Bill W and Dr Bob for discovering and sharing the solution that worked for them..because before that there was no solution. It was graveyards, looney bins or the streets. For my sponsers and the women and men of my community who make going to meetings a profound experience. For the people in my life who cause me pain and suffering that I learn how to grow, for my family who continues to support me and teaches me to practice these principles in all my affairs. I am surrounded by Grace and it is beautiful. Thank you...xoxoxox