Step 5

Well, I posted a few days ago about honesty and I really appreciated all your comments and support. To sum it up, as someone in my Sunday meeting advised, time to put on your Big Girl Shoes and move on. And its true, I was stuck. But what was wonderful about the whole last week, despite my angst, is that because of this program and what I have learned so far, I was able to share my issues here and in meetings and get direction from older (well maybe not older:) but wiser "fellows". It really helped. Then I went to my Step meeting last night and we were on Step 5. Geesh. I should have read ahead because listen to this from the Twelve and Twelve: "As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren't still self-deceived?" Sound like anyone you know? The whole chapter basically described what this last week had been for me. Our group goes around in a circle and take turns reading a paragraph at a time. I could barely choke mine out when it came to my turn:

"No one ought to say the A.A. program requires no willpower; here is one place you may require all you've got. Happily, though, the chances are that you will be in for a very pleasant surprise. When your mission is carefully explained, and it is seen by the recipient of your confidence how helpful he can really be, the conversation will start easily and will soon become eager. Before long, your listener may well tell a story or two about himself which will place you even more at ease. Provided you hold back nothing, your sense of relief will mount from minute to minute. The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed. As the pain subsides, a healing tranquillity takes its place. And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else of great moment is apt to occur. Many an A.A., once agnostic or atheistic, tells us that it was during this stage of Step Five that he first actually felt the presence of God. And even those who had faith already often become conscious of God as they never were before."

Even as I read I could feel the sense of relief wash over me. My sponser and I had met an hour before the meeting as we usually do and I put on my Big Girl shoes as advised and asked her if she would hear my fifth step. She was delighted. She has been a wonderful sponser. Allowing me to feel my way with gentle guidance. She had said that as the Big Book says, I didn't have to do my fifth step with her. Which of course my alcoholic mind took to mean she didn't want to hear it. Bad Kathy. But thankfully, I asked her, because really who else and she was basically waiting for me. Damn you sponsers making us do the work!! So..we just have to coordinate schedules and find the time.

You know what I found amazing about the Serenity Prayer as well. Sometimes when I am caught up in my own sh*t, I can pray it but I'm not sure I believe it. For instance yesterday morning, I had stuff going on with my husband and I just couldn't get out of my own way and even worse he wouldn't get out of my way, LOL. I tried the serenity prayer and I was just not feeling it. I was just crabby as all hell. But you know what, as soon as I picked up another alcoholic to go the meeting and then attended the meeting I was able to Let it Go. Sometimes I can't seem to conjure up the faith for myself, but I can see it for others. And once that happens, I can see it for myself as well. I think that is what may be key to our fellowship and the program of Alcoholics Annonymous. It's not just someone having it worse than myself so that my problems seem smaller. It's believing that God will take care of us whatever our problems may be and will see us through it and sometimes we just need to hear it from someone else. Or see it in someone else.