Step 1

We had a Step 1 meeting with my sponser last night which was really nice. Small group, around the table, tea. This meeting sprung out of the retreat so I appreciated the chance to get to know these women better. These are the quotes that I found to be very true for me.

I avoided AA like the plague for a long, long time because, "glass in hand," I thought I could do it myself. I had a Big Book and I thought I could teach myself AA or at least control my drinking and I tried, several times. Guess what? Didn't work. I lurked in an online group for a few years as well. Guess what? Didn't work. I tried other means...Smart Recovery, Will Power (LOL), pure self hate, promises. Guess what? Didn't work. In the the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (which DOES NOT REPLACE the Big Book) it says " It was a statistical fact that alcoholics almost NEVER RECOVERED ON THEIR OWN RESOURCES." Very true for me.

It also talks about how in the beginning of AA, almost 70 years ago, AA only reached the low bottom drunks because only they could make the admission of hopelessness. But now... the bottom has risen. Maybe we are smarter. Or maybe it is through the Grace of God and by those alcoholics who came before us that we have been "spared" literal hell. I have not been hospitalized, institionalized, jailed, arrested, etc. I have a home and a family that is still with me. I understand that some people still have to go there but thankfully I did not. I think we all have different tolerances for pain. Some of us need to get hit harder for some reason. Don't get me wrong. There is plenty I have lost but I feel as though I have been "spared" indeed. Lastly the line that strikes out the most for me...."WE perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength".

How crazy is that? I had the hardest time giving up my power. I am a strong willed woman. I am woman hear me roar. It was really difficult to understand the concept of powerlessness. My good Irish Friend helped me alot with that. But by admitting my powerlessness I became empowered. I only thought I was empowered before. I truly am now. That line is exactly what my experience has been these last 7 months. It is soooooo much better. I am so grateful to be defeated.

So for you who are struggling, go to a meeting, read the Big Book, get a sponser, work the steps.....You will find your own liberation and strength...and Peace.

"Power, success, happiness, as the world knows them, are his who will fight for them hard enough; but peace, love, joy are only from God. And God is the enemy whom Jacob fought there by the river, of course, and whom in one way or another we all of us fight--God, the beloved enemy. Our enemy because, before giving us everything, he demands of us everything; before giving us live, he demands our lives--our selves, our wills, our treasure."

The Magnficent Defeat by Frederick Buechner