Bonfires, Memories and New Beginnings

Had another sober social event. One of the members of our morning group had a bonfire Friday night (sorry Michael no video:) I was anxious all day but I went anyway with another sober woman who has about 45 days. It was nice to see everyone outside of the meeting. And once I settled in, my social anxiety died down. The last time I went to a bonfire was about 25 years ago when I was dating my husband. We went with another couple up to Keene, NH from Connecticut. The three of us drank the whole way up while my husband drove. We got pulled over (you're tires are bald, boy) and he had to do a sobriety test which he passed because he wasn't the one drinking. It was a huge party and there were barrels of grain alcohol punch as I recall. I didn't know alot of people so apparently I just kept drinking. At some point I became upset with my future husband for some drunken reason and decided I was going home. Proceeded to leave on foot. I was in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night! I don't know how long I stumbled around in the pitch black. I ended up passed out on someone's front yard. House was dark. When I came to I didn't know what to do and I didn't know where I was. I knocked on the door and woke them up. They gave me a flashlight and pointed me in the direction of the road. I managed to find my way back to the party and spent the rest of the night in the car. I don't remember much more than that. Just remember being mortified, scared, and I felt ridiculous. My husband never came looking for me, he had sprained his ankle but this was a pattern that began very early in our relationship now that I think about it. I held onto that flashlight for a long time but it didn't stop me from drinking. When I was leaving for the bonfire my husband said he couldn't find a flashlight (the flyer said bring one if you wanted to hike in the woods.) I said I didn't need one, had no plans to hike and he said, you did last time:) He was joking but it hit home.

Anyway, I told that story in my morning group and it was good to share it, unload it, dispose of it. I went to the bonfire because I felt I owed it to myself to replace that memory. And I did, with toasting marshmallows & hotdogs on a stick and good conversation and as we were leaving, someone called out, "you didn't get lost in the woods this time!" It's nice when people remember and know what something means. It was good for me to get out of my comfort zone. I hope that someday my husband will feel comfortable enough to share these moments with me. I hope that someday I will feel comfortable enough to share my feelings with him such as I can in a meeting.

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for a woman from AA. She apparently had some health issues and died peacefully but unexpectedly in her sleep. I had just gotten to know her and she was a quiet, gentle soul. I am sorry I didn't know her better but I am so grateful for the example that she has given me. Before she died, I knew her as a sweet, quiet and caring woman in my meetings who always had a friendly smile and a positive message. In death she has shown me how one person can touch so many and create a community and family. She apparently had a very difficult life from childhood when she was orphaned. Between her church and the AA community she created a network of people who cared deeply for her. If she didn't know this when she was alive I pray that she knows it now. The service her church provided her was beautiful and meaningful and I may have found a place to practice my faith and for this I will be eternally grateful. Now I just need the courage to try it. Thinking of attending a church feels like going to my first AA meeting and this church just so happens to be where I go to my morning meeting everyday. I am trying to avoid it at all costs but in my heart I know that once I get there I will be found. Gee, sounds famliar:)

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!
Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come;’
Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promis’d good to me, His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil, A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below, Will be forever mine.

John New­ton, Ol­ney Hymns (Lon­don: W. Ol­i­ver, 1779)

Thanks Pat.