So I've got this dilemma. And I just now looked at my part in it and I feel much better. A friend was planning to join her boyfriend on a trip to Ireland/London in October. She had concerns because the theme of the trip was pub hopping. In our conversation about the trip, I said wouldn't it be fun if my husband and I went. She and I could veer off the pub parts of the trip to do meetings/siteseeing and my husband would have enjoyed having a friend to explore pubs with. Not to mention finally getting overseas and seeing the world. I loved how the trip was planned and I didn't have to do anything but pay my money and pack my suitcase. Easy. Well, not so easy after all. My friend and her partner broke up after 10 years. It had been coming on her part for a long time and she finally was able to make the decision. That's what sobriety will do to you not to mention meeting someone else. Make you stronger.
So now the allure of the trip is tainted. We don't know anyone else going except for the jilted lover. She's definately not going. He's devastated and we don't really know him either. Going now would be very uncomfortable. And my husband was never fully on board in the first place. He has a fear of flying (well not flying exactly but he's claustrophobic). We talked it over and felt that for this kind of money and this kind of trip, we don't want to be uncomfortable and would prefer waiting until the spring when our daughter studies abroad in Germany. We could incorporate a visit with her with our desire to travel. But we've got a $1,200 deposit into this. Supposedly there were people on a waiting list but we still haven't got our money back. I'm a few emails into it...the possilbility of getting it back hasn't been ruled out so I'm hoping and praying. Trying to think positive. I'm trying not to focus on the money but its hard. If we don't get it back a trip in the spring may be impossible. And if we aren't going to get it back should we go anyway? We'd have to come up with even more money to take a trip we don't want to take. Maybe we should just make the best of it.
When my friend first made this decision, she said she'd cover our losses if it came to that. I told her not to let our participation in the trip affect her decision, we'd cross that bridge when we came to it and I meant it. Seemed like the right thing to do. Now that the decision has been made, I want my money back wherever it comes from. I'm an innocent bystander. Collateral damage. Is it fair for me to want my friend to cover this if we don't get our deposit back? It was her decision after all and she encouraged me to do this trip. And now that we're at the bridge there is no mention of it. Well, last night she said she'd sell a kidney to get my money back to me. I don't want that. It's a wait and see moment and its hard to wait. But I'm doing my best to do the right thing.
My part..I acted impulsively. I knew this relationship was on shaky ground but my desire to go on a trip with my friend (and not my husband alone) outweighed the concerns. My excitement at doing something I've wanted to do for awhile combined with the possibility of meeting some online friends totally overrode reason. I steamrolled my husband into taking this trip when he was ambivalent. I knew the relationship was on shaky ground. It's like putting your money into a failing bank. That's what I did. I have to keep my focus on my part and not the part of others. Their motives and behaviors have nothing to do with me. So when the fear crops up, the resentment creeps on the sidelines...she should have, he could...if it were me, I would....I've got to stay where I am. I did and now what.
8 comments:
Wow, that really is a STICKY situation. I hope that you are able to get your money back if that is what you decide to do instead of going on the trip!
Is it fair for me to want my friend to cover this if we don't get our deposit back?
For me, if I were in the same situation, the answer would be "no."
In that situation I made the decision, knowing there was shaky ground, knowing that I had told my friend not to make the decision based on me, and knowing that I had done all of this as an adult with full knowledge that sh..tuff happens and circumstances change all the time.
Truth is, I'm a big girl, and my money follows my decisions, no one has the power to influence or encourage that isn't given to them... If I didn't have the power to say no when I should have then I have nothing to blame but my short-circuited connection with God. If it was a selfless decision, then the money wouldn't matter for me.
My only decision in this situation would be "God if you want me to take the trip, please give big bright signs, if not, please grace me or someone else with the money that would be counted as lost make the process of deciding bright and easy." I wouldn't make a friend pay for my ultimate decision.
I've had so much heart-ache in my past based on my best intentions to make someone else comfortable, to make someone else like me and have taken advantage of seemingly simple situations to get something I have always wanted.. I have a past trip to Europe story that is very very illustrative of my disease at work, it turned into a divorce much later on but the whole process was one big process of trying to fix the first mistake and make it right.
I hope you blog about your ultimate decision... It helps me so much to see these things illustrated to see if what I've done in the past, and the decisions I make now reflect a spiritual life that is worth leading and sharing...
Thanks Kathy this post was so important for me to experience, it reminds me of so many dilemmas of my past.
I think you should go and determine to enjoy yourselves irregardless. Make new friends, see new places, to hell with the friend and dramas. She drug you into it, now take the ball and run! You never know what you may discover.
Interesting to see how truths come out when looking at motivations. There may still be a good outcome from this eg. no mistakes in God's world.
Maybe you and hubbie tour Ireland and rekindle sparks, just sayin' . . .
I would clearly look at my role in this. I would let go of expectations about another paying for something that I did. I would chalk it up to a learning experience or else I would go on the trip with another person. Just my take.
what came to mind for what it's worth..
no one can predict these things. any number of things can happen with trips and no one to blame.. if not a breakup, a hurricane! (yup - happened to me & hubby's honeymoon to st john :))
what if you split the loss 50/50? or some other compromise for win/win
the other thing that came to mind was this 10-10-10 rule thing a friend told me about. can't hurt to check it out. may help perspective.. here is a brief description: "All it takes to begin are three simple questions: When faced with a complex dilemma, stop and ask, "What will the consequences of my options be in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years?" Yet the outcomes are illuminating, and seldom predictable. ".. from here http://www.suzywelch101010.com/about_book.htm
i have NOT tried it so can't recommend from experience. couldn't see how it would hurt so thought i'd pass it along! good luck to you.
what a difficult situation! i hope it works out for all of you, somehow!
K: I would definitely ask your friend to cover the loss and work on the refund. If you get anything back, it would be hers/his. This will let your friend assuage the guilt of warning you about the road being traveled toward separation and not sharing that with you upfront. Unless of course you are absolutely certain the friend disclosed the full details of the shaky ground prior to your commitment. Fair is fair, my dear, and you might reconsider your avoidance despite your analysis of your part in it. It is a lot of cash to let walk out the door. And in the end, your friendship I feel will be enhanced, not forever damaged by the remembrance of the monetary loss. After all, the offer was made and if you can get an assurance that it was sincere, then let your friend do the next right thing.
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