Hadn't realized so much time had passed without posting. I guess I did but honestly nothing so much has changed in terms of my last post. I am exactly there. Still grappling with the mess but very very grateful for this program and the tools it has given me. In looking over my fourth step I hadn't even put my son on it this go around so I attempted to do that. I had a hard time. All I could think of was what I had done to him. So my sponser suggested I start writing that up. Now that is a tough one....not tough to do...I've got A LOT of resentments towards myself...lots of things I hate about myself, I'm angry that I've done or not done, humilations I've caused myself. It never occurred to me to put myself there until now. Kind of thought it went without saying. WRONG! So yes, its easy to come up with that list...but then its also hard to take. So I have to take it in small bites as much as I'd like to be done yesterday with this writing. The best thing I've heard in a meeting recently was..."FOR BEST RESULTS, FOLLOW DIRECTIONS", so that's what I'm trying to do follow directions for the best result. And bottom line, if I trust and rely on God...all is well.It's finally beautiful here in New England. Perfect. But we had soooooo much rain. And now its hard to get anything done cause we were stuck inside for so long.
My son lost a childhood friend in a skateboarding accident a week or so ago. WEAR A HELMUT. So sad..the boy hadn't even reached his 18th birthday. I can't even imagine. But I am grateful that I could be there for his parents and that I believe that God is everything and can share comfort in that.
I must have bumped the top of my head on something though I can't remember doing it. Again, very grateful that my lack of memory is not caused by a blackout but merely the fact that I'm a woman of a certain age:) Then again, I can go with this...maybe I don't remember bumping my head because I didn't and the sharp stabbing pain I am feeling on the top of my head is a brain tumor pushing up. And if that's the case, I hope I can go out like Farah Fawcett with dignity and grace...wonder how many people will come to my funeral. And if all my AA friends come, then the rest of my world will know and who cares anyway if I'm dead. Do you see? Fear, doubt and insecurity. I'm looking forward to remembering how I bumped my head or the pain simply going away...whichever comes first and with a little Tyelnol I can help that along.
All right, that's it for today. I'll try not to let so much time pass again. But it is summer and the living is easy.
5 comments:
I loved following your mind from the bump on the top of the head, to not remembering, to lack of memory with age, to brain tumor, to dying with dignity, to how many at the funeral, to will my AA friends come......
....sounds like what my mind could do with a bump on the head. :)
PG
Bumped your head? Not wearing a helmet?
Oooohhh!
that's so sad. and i see these kids on motorbikes, lifting their friends WITHOUT helmets from school and i want to have a FIT!
I'm sorry ,but I was giggling about your bump on the head because that is exactly where my mind can and has gone too. Once you finish this stuff up and do your fifth, it will be very relieving, the longer you drag it out, the worse it is. That might be why a brain tumor looks so inviting today? I cannot go more than 36 hours between a fourth and a fifth step, but that's just me.
Yes, it is summer and life does seem much easier. I wish for the cool temperatures of New England but that won't happen here. I'm glad that your head is okay and that you're not having a funeral. Have a good day.
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