My son is graduating on June 7th. One of the parents of his friends is having a dinner for a group of them and the parents and is putting on a sort of roast. So I have been tasked with going through pictures so that she can put together a montage of my son. I went through a few boxes and it was a melancholy experience.
I can see how happy my children were growing up. I can be assured that they were loved by me, their father, their grandparents, their great grandparents and their uncles. I could laugh at their cuteness and expressions. I could marvel at how thin I was yet how unhappy I was with my appearance. I've always been unhappy with my appearance. Whether I'm a size 6 or a size 16. I look in the pictures and I don't look like an alcoholic. I can see the progression of my mother's disease. I can see the progression of my father's cancer. Rapid progression. I lament his loss and I see how much he loved my children and how much they loved him. I miss him. I see my mother looking young and giving my children a bath. She can't do that anymore. Well, at 18 & 20 they wouldn't let her, ha ha, but she can't dote anymore. My husband and I look happy, we look together. Why do we fight so much?
I want to go back and cherish those moments in their moment but I can only do so now. I want to go back and not be drunk or hungover but I can only stay sober now.
About Me
- Kathy Lynne
- North Shore, Massachusetts
- "But the first salt wind from the east, the first sight of the lighthouse set boldly on its outer rock, the flash of a gull, the waiting procession of seaward-bound firs on an island, made me feel solid and definate again..." -Sarah Orne Jewitt
Contemplative Outreach
On My Way
"I look to the future because that is where I'm going to spend my life" George Burns
Step 1
Surrender -Accept the Things I Cannot Change
Step 2
Came to Believe -Change the Things That I Can
Step 3
The Care of God -Wisdom to Know the Difference
MY TRUE INSPIRATION
Then
And Now
8 comments:
memories. with a touch of regret. i get that too. looking at photos, knowing what i was doing at the time... nope. the pictures don't speak. but my heart does. bitter sweet memories...
"If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you're in a great position to pi** all over today"
sobriety is very humbling. we get it wrong. a lot. just do your lousy best. rome wasnt built in a day. patience! the only instant thing in aa is the coffee :)
Mary J Blige feat U2 - ONE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoWtSzJM_00&feature=PlayList&p=E6426CE7336FB01B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3
There will be so many new memories to cherish. The past ones will help you value the new ones just that much more.
The best is yet to come...
Eventually, as it says, "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".
I can be suddenly overwhelmed with nostalgia by looking at pictures, hearing certain music, smelling certain smells...lots of things. I try to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative. I can't go back and redo it, but I can do things differently today. Hurray!
Memories - I take what I can benefit from and leave the rest.
Prayer Girl
Old photos and old memories get me going too. that's why I do my best to cherish today and live it the best way that I can.
I needed to read this today. Thank you for a timely post. You probably have no idea how much you have helped me.
This is a good moment to be in...the one right now.
I think as a human I have these feelings, sometimes longing for the person "i was" rather than cherishing the person I am becoming...it is a hard balancing act and PG said it right, I keep that quote in my purse to remind me not to shut the door, not to regret, but also not to miss what is happening now...
You are able to look at them, not drink, know that times were different and they are unfolding now...differently and if we keep working it the promises are revealed to us, over and over...
much love to you and thank you for this post!
G
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