Blogging WITH Obligation

I haven't been able to get myself to blog. I like the blogging without obligation sentiment but I do feel an obligation in some sense to myself and the people here I have come to rely on for sage wisdom and inspiration, not to mention entertainment. A couple of things could be contributing to this, 1) I got away from it when I fell and had trouble sitting, 2) I am more active in my online AA group (I'm actually a moderator now) and then 3) and what I think is really going on is my therapist had suggested that I keep the more personal stuff in a separate journal in an effort to create a boundry. I think this is a good idea but it has resulted in me not writing at all. And now I'm entering my sixth step and I need to be willing to speak my truth. I have a hard time doing that in just a journal format. I have tried to keep my blog recovery oriented as opposed to a log of past injustices, escapades and the like. But they creep in as self discovery creeps in and by blogging it as opposed to just journaling it keeps me honest. I am much more likely to lie to myself than I am to others. I think I need the accountability. Anyway here I am for today.

Two things going on...

I have to write a letter to my deceased father. His death almost 10 years ago keeps coming up as high on my timeline in terms of pain. I was talking about it in therapy when she gently asked...do you miss him? Well, wahhhh! The waterworks flowed. She sheepishly said she did it on purpose and suggested a letter. Not an amends letter but a letter about everything, what I miss, what I wish, how stuff made me feel, etc. I think this will be very helpful though painful. I have to read it next week.

A woman who used to work in this office snubbed me yesterday. She left unhappily a few years ago. We were both hired at the same time though I advanced and she didn't. Mind you, it was just she and I as paralegals with our boss, the attorney so it was very uncomfortable sometimes. But I got the raises she didn't and honestly, she just didn't get it. She wanted to do paralegal work but she was barely capable of filing correctly. She wasn't flexible in her hours nor willing to go the extra mile. But I liked her and covered for her a lot and we both had each other to vent to with regards to our boss's demands and personality. Anyway, she finally decided to put her foot down and ask for a raise. This was around the time that she had made a major mistake and we had a lot of backtracking to do to fix it. I didn't cover for her that time and he said no so she left in a huff. I figured she resented the fact that I did not cover for her this time. For her when it counted. But it was just something I could not do. That is what I thought happened. She was in another office in our building yesterday, looked right at me and then looked away. She's in real estate now and it wasn't appropriate for me to say anything at the moment so I just kept going. She could have smiled or nodded or even said hello but she didn't. I think I did smile at her so of course I felt awkward. Anyway I mentioned it to my boss and he claimed that at the time she had gone in and said it was either her or me. And that was why she left because he chose me. I don't believe him. That is not what I remember and he and I talked extensively about it at the time. I told him that and he said maybe it wasn't those words but that's what it was. This is what I can't stand about working here. How the truth can be twisted. The nature of the practice of law I suppose but it's very hard to reconcile speaking my truth to working here. I don't really care about this woman and whether she likes me or not. I'm just not used to being not liked and I wonder if she has the right facts or if they are twisted. I am comfortable with my behaviour during that time so I guess I have no business being involved in her truth. Needed to share it to get it out of myself. And now its over.