I haven't been sharing as much recently, I guess because I'm in an absorption phase. The part that says you can't give freely what you haven't got. I've been working on getting it and for some reason my blog has come up short. Wonder if that has anything to do with dumping my life story on it:) Actually, time has been short for me as well. Between later mornings, being busy at work and my son's soccer schedule, let alone my meetings.. my house and blogging are being slighted. But I'm back and I will be catching up with all of you in the next few days. I missed you and I appreciate the check ins and comments. I just read in the Step book that procrastination was just a 5 syllable word for sloth. I like the word procrastination much better, it's softer, but I'm afraid that sloth is a defect or behaviour that I definately can claim as well. Not good because the blogging is a part of my recovery. The journal my sponser wants me to write.
The second half of the title We Practice These Principals in All Our Affairs, that is not in the Big Book is : So we won't have affairs! Laughed out loud from the belly when I heard that this week in a meeting. I shared here about the relationship I had 14 years ago and my sponser and I talked about it a little last night because she opened up about hers. When I was in the middle of this relationship we swore to each other that we would never, ever, no matter what, tell. It was OUR secret. And I held onto it for a very long time. But it feels good to get it out. Not sure I will ever go there with my husband. He was aware enough of the emotional relationship but not the physical one though I'm sure he suspected at the time. I know when I get to the amends part of the steps I will have to consider this but for now.....I'm just working on being honest with myself about it.
One thought I had as I uncover and name these defects of charachter is that for many behaviours I have placed the blame on strictly on being drunk. If I hadn't been drinking, this or that would not have happened. But in reality, the drinking was a symptom of these defects that are the underlying cause of a lot of my problems. It's sort of a chicken, egg kind of thing I suppose. But it seems to me that even though I thought my morality would never allow me to go outside of my marriage the drinking only made it easier for me to do something I was disposed to do anyway. Why??? Well, I'm still figuring that out! But I am so grateful that I am in a place right now that is giving me the opportunity to explore and understand myself. And even more I am grateful for this forum and all of my fellow bloggers that allows me do to so.
Peace.
The second half of the title We Practice These Principals in All Our Affairs, that is not in the Big Book is : So we won't have affairs! Laughed out loud from the belly when I heard that this week in a meeting. I shared here about the relationship I had 14 years ago and my sponser and I talked about it a little last night because she opened up about hers. When I was in the middle of this relationship we swore to each other that we would never, ever, no matter what, tell. It was OUR secret. And I held onto it for a very long time. But it feels good to get it out. Not sure I will ever go there with my husband. He was aware enough of the emotional relationship but not the physical one though I'm sure he suspected at the time. I know when I get to the amends part of the steps I will have to consider this but for now.....I'm just working on being honest with myself about it.
One thought I had as I uncover and name these defects of charachter is that for many behaviours I have placed the blame on strictly on being drunk. If I hadn't been drinking, this or that would not have happened. But in reality, the drinking was a symptom of these defects that are the underlying cause of a lot of my problems. It's sort of a chicken, egg kind of thing I suppose. But it seems to me that even though I thought my morality would never allow me to go outside of my marriage the drinking only made it easier for me to do something I was disposed to do anyway. Why??? Well, I'm still figuring that out! But I am so grateful that I am in a place right now that is giving me the opportunity to explore and understand myself. And even more I am grateful for this forum and all of my fellow bloggers that allows me do to so.
Peace.
3 comments:
I feel like your blog would be a valuable resource for other people in recovery at my recovery blog list. Please take a moment and sign up if you would like to take part @ http://www.odatonline.com/bloglist.
Also I've designed a cool sobriety time counter that you can add to your blog here: http://www.odatonline.com/sobriety-counter.
i call what i did doing things i know were wrong, so that i could drink to forget them... or justify them... or excuse them.
and guess what? the person i harmed was me. and my family. and was it worth it? at the time i would have said 'of course'. because after all, i had a valid reason for my behaviour in that warped mind of mine.
now? i'm busy learning to forgive myself because although hubby has forgiven me, it still comes back to haunt me every so now and again!
Being honest with myself is the first step but being totally honest with my spouse is another thing. I'm not sure when that will occur but it will in God's time.
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