Honesty
*Third, I have learned how to be honest. No more ducking or dodging. No more tall tales. No more pretending to be what I am not. My cards are on the table for all the world to see. "I am what I am," as Popeye used to say in the comics. I have had an unsavory past. I am sorry, yet. But it cannot be changed now. All that is yesterday and is done. But now my life is an open book. Come and look at it, if you want to. I'm trying to do the best I can. I will fail often, but I won't make excuses. I will face things as they are and not run away. Am I really honest?" *Twenty Four Hours A Day *A.A. Thought for the Day*
Yesterday was a tough day. Tough day at work, again. But the fact of the matter is that I cannot change my employer. He is the way he is. I have to weigh the good with the bad. And for right now, I need a job and I am not ready to make a major changes. Maybe down the road but not now. Change the things I can. Accept what I cannot. In other words, suck it up.
The afternoon was beautiful. Blew off responsibility and went kayaking on an unseasonably warm October afternoon and all that that means. Brilliant color, birds, sun, friends, peace. Wish that could have lasted.
After loading the kayak on my car, instead of going left I went right. Thought it would be a shorter way. But it wasn't and it got dark fast. I needed to get to my meeting and I was picking up someone as well. Wasn't sure where I was. Called my husband and he was no help, at first, and I couldn't listen to him. The gas light was blinking. I had to go to the bathroom. I was getting more and more wound up. This is a busy week for me and I've got things scheduled to the minute. No time to get lost. Stopped for gas, good. I had this tightening though. This tension. I didn't even think of a drink, but I did think of a cigarette, (my friends had smoked on the river). I know this is coming from the same place my alcoholism is coming from. Addiction, though I haven't smoked in years (not counting the camping butt), I bought a pack. I smoked one. It could have easily been a drink. It was gross. It did nothing for me. Why did I do this? It is making me crazy. Found my way home with time to wash the smell off and brush my teeth. Much better. Picked up my AA friend and went to the meeting. Much, much better. But even though I was headed to a meeting, it didn't stop me from smoking that butt. So I had to unload the pack. You'd think with all the smokers someone would smoke Marlboro lights but no! Finally someone took them for their daughter.
Clearly, I have work to do . I understand much better the relapser. I appreciate the sharing in the rooms and I think I know the signs. I can handle big stuff pretty well. I know there are much bigger problems than getting lost or hosting 20 16 year old boys for a soccer pasta party. But I get myself all wound up and look for relief. I must stay away from that first drink no matter what. Thankfully, the drink did not enter my mind....this time. But I don't want to die of lung cancer either. But what I am grateful for and what is different is that I spoke about it at the meeting. I was honest about what I was feeling and what I had done. I gave it all away. My track record would have been to hold onto that pack, eventually sneaking cigarettes whenever the urge struck, until I was addicted again. I am glad for that. My stuff is coming out and the more it does the better I feel. And when I put too much on my plate I need to breathe. Take a step back and change what I can or Let Go so God will do it for me. Hence, soccer game rescheduled and no pasta party. Now I'm sad that there is no team party tomorrow but grateful that my workload just downsized by 50%.
Learning all of this has made today a much better today. So ..we apply these principles in all our affairs. So much to think about. Geez!
*Third, I have learned how to be honest. No more ducking or dodging. No more tall tales. No more pretending to be what I am not. My cards are on the table for all the world to see. "I am what I am," as Popeye used to say in the comics. I have had an unsavory past. I am sorry, yet. But it cannot be changed now. All that is yesterday and is done. But now my life is an open book. Come and look at it, if you want to. I'm trying to do the best I can. I will fail often, but I won't make excuses. I will face things as they are and not run away. Am I really honest?" *Twenty Four Hours A Day *A.A. Thought for the Day*
7 comments:
When I go for a cig, it is never the cig I really want - I am searching for some kind of relief - a sort of "quick fix". I hope you won't be too hard on yourself for wanting a cig - I think (or at least I HOPE) that is quite typical for where you are.. I also tend to think there is a big link between the more "anxious" types (the type "a's" like me) and alcoholism.
As you guessed, I'm not in a great place right now.. most of it has to do with my relationship with the husband. And the idea of drinking has popped into my head way more often than I care to admit lately. Not CRAVING necessarily but more of a "fuck it" - what's the use b/c I don't seem to be getting any better and I SURE am trying ya know? But I'm breathing and just in general taking a break - whatever that means. For now, it doesn't mean drinking over any of it.. I DO know that wouldn't help.
ANYHOO - thanks for checkin in on your fellow alkie - it's a hard things to try to explain in blog world but for some reason, I think you understand. And not feeling alone is very comforting. :)
Nice blog.
Sober best wishes from London!
Hey I know about that quick fix syndrome, everythings going mad and then you hit a calm bit and you want something just to relax your mind. I have missed my weekly meeting this week due to Luke staying, I have felt tired but its great to have some company, needed something to break the routine I was in which started feeling like autopilot.
Blimey kayaking that sounds fun, and the pictures on your blog are fantastic, I bet its a great place where you live, so much space, space in which you can get lost in wow!
Hey I am sad that shadow from South Africa is leaving blogdom.
You know I must blog more more about my emotions and feelings like you, with Shadow leaving its got me thinking why do I blog, what does it give me?
perhaps we could do one of those tagging things ten reasons why we blog?
I needed to read your blog today because you posted about feelings that I also wrote about. I can see how my illness of the "spirit" can make me crazy. It sneaks up on me and then I go down very fast. I need to remember to Let Go and Let God. Thanks.
THE TRAUMA OF CHILDHOOD
By Alice Miller
Tuesday June 01, 1999
As long as they are loved, children can recover from abuse and even the horror of war.
June 4, 1999 | We do not arrive in this world as a clean slate. Every new baby comes with a history of its own, the history of the nine months between conception and birth. In addition, children have the genetic blueprint they inherit from their parents. These factors may help determine what kind of a temperament a child will have, what inclinations, gifts and predispositions.
But character depends crucially upon whether a person is given love, protection, tenderness and understanding or exposed to rejection, coldness, indifference and cruelty in the early formative years. The stimulus indispensable for developing the capacity for empathy, say, is the experience of loving care. In the absence of such care, when a child is forced to grow up neglected, emotionally starved and subjected to physical abuse, he or she will forfeit this innate capacity. While I ascribe immense significance to the experiences of infants in the first days, weeks and months of their lives to explain their later behavior, I do not wish to assert that later influences are completely ineffectual. Rather, if a traumatized or neglected child can later come to know what I call an "enlightened" or "knowing witness," he or she can deal positively with the effects of that childhood trauma.
We know today that the brain we are born with is not the finished product it was once thought to be. The structuring of the brain depends very much on the experiences of the first hours, days and weeks of a person's life. In the last few years, scientific studies led by neurologist and child psychiatrist Dr. Bruce D. Perry have further established that traumatized and neglected children display severe lesions affecting up to 30 percent of those areas of the brain that control our emotions. Severe traumas inflicted on infants lead to an increase in the release of stress hormones that destroy the existing, newly formed neurons and their interconnections.
These latest revelations about the human brain might have been expected to bring about a radical change in our thinking about children and the way we treat them. But old habits die hard. Many people now believe that it takes at least two generations for young parents to free themselves of the burden of inherited "wisdom" and stop beating their own children, two generations until it has become sheerly impossible to give one's child a slap "inadvertently," two generations before the weight of newly acquired knowledge gets in the way of the hand raised to deal the "unthinking" blow.
We are often confronted with the belief that the effects of corporal punishment are salutary rather than detrimental. But the only thing beaten children learn is to fear their parents, not to drive carefully or stay out of trouble. They will also feel guilty and learn to play down their own pain. Being subjected to physical attacks they are defenseless to fend off merely instills in children a "gut" conviction that they obviously merit neither protection nor respect. This false message is then stored in the children's bodies as information and will influence their view of the world and their later attitude toward their own children. Such children will be unable to defend their right to human dignity, unable to recognize physical pain as a danger signal and act accordingly. Even their immune system may be affected.
In the absence of other persons to model their behavior on -- enlightened or knowing witnesses -- these children will see the language of violence and hypocrisy as the only really effective means of communication. Naturally enough, they will avail themselves of that language themselves when they grow up because adults normally will elect to keep already-suppressed feelings of powerlessness in a state of suppression.
The trauma experienced by Kosovar children can be overcome if these children receive the proper attention of their parents, or, in the absence of parents, from another adult. These children need to know that they are loved and that someone understands their fears. War -- a trauma that is shared by an entire community -- doesn't drive a child to destructiveness if he can share his feelings with somebody. What makes a person dangerous in later life is the isolation of pain and fear, the failure of parents or other caregivers to see and understand how badly a child feels. With the Kosovar children, the parents perfectly understand the distress of their children and can try to help them because they are experiencing the same pain themselves. In fact, the whole world seems to be eager to help; everybody is aware of the traumas. On the other hand, the isolation of an infant in pain within a family can leave traces in the brain that are linked to violent or aggressive behavior later.
Protection and respect for the needs of a child are surely things we ought to be able to take for granted. But this is far from being the case. We live in a world peopled by individuals who have grown up deprived of their rights, deprived of respect. As adults they then attempt to regain those rights by force (blackmail, threats, the use of weapons). Society seems to regard hatred as innate, that is to say, God-given. It is a society that refuses to see that we keep on producing hatred by inculcating models of violence into our children, behavior patterns that can prove stronger than anything they may learn at a later stage.
The United Nations has been called upon to declare the years 2000-2010 the decade for the culture of nonviolence. This cannot be achieved by fine words alone. We need to set an example for our children -- those who will decide what the next generation will look like -- and show them that coexistence and communication without violence are actually possible. I believe there are a great number of parents who are already aware of the far-reaching implications of their own behavior. It is realistic to hope that this knowledge will lead to an increase in the number of knowing witnesses and hence to a swift improvement in the treatment of children everywhere.
Peace Be With You
Micky
Hi Kathy,
I will post the ten reasons why I blog tommorow after I think about it, really busy today cos of stock taking.
There was 60 elevator tips originally but I chose the ones I thought were funnyest, perhaps I should of stated my source but I have forgot now!
Yes blogging I enjoy it and I feel I get someting out of it, free therapy yes I get that too but I will say more tommorow.
I am missing shadow as well :(
But I too love u as well
You have come a long way in recognizing the danger before it takes over. I'm so glad you curtailed the cigarette problem before it caught hold of you and that you are taking action to take care of yourself. Breathing is always good. Keep it up!
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