Blogging WITH Obligation

I haven't been able to get myself to blog. I like the blogging without obligation sentiment but I do feel an obligation in some sense to myself and the people here I have come to rely on for sage wisdom and inspiration, not to mention entertainment. A couple of things could be contributing to this, 1) I got away from it when I fell and had trouble sitting, 2) I am more active in my online AA group (I'm actually a moderator now) and then 3) and what I think is really going on is my therapist had suggested that I keep the more personal stuff in a separate journal in an effort to create a boundry. I think this is a good idea but it has resulted in me not writing at all. And now I'm entering my sixth step and I need to be willing to speak my truth. I have a hard time doing that in just a journal format. I have tried to keep my blog recovery oriented as opposed to a log of past injustices, escapades and the like. But they creep in as self discovery creeps in and by blogging it as opposed to just journaling it keeps me honest. I am much more likely to lie to myself than I am to others. I think I need the accountability. Anyway here I am for today.

Two things going on...

I have to write a letter to my deceased father. His death almost 10 years ago keeps coming up as high on my timeline in terms of pain. I was talking about it in therapy when she gently asked...do you miss him? Well, wahhhh! The waterworks flowed. She sheepishly said she did it on purpose and suggested a letter. Not an amends letter but a letter about everything, what I miss, what I wish, how stuff made me feel, etc. I think this will be very helpful though painful. I have to read it next week.

A woman who used to work in this office snubbed me yesterday. She left unhappily a few years ago. We were both hired at the same time though I advanced and she didn't. Mind you, it was just she and I as paralegals with our boss, the attorney so it was very uncomfortable sometimes. But I got the raises she didn't and honestly, she just didn't get it. She wanted to do paralegal work but she was barely capable of filing correctly. She wasn't flexible in her hours nor willing to go the extra mile. But I liked her and covered for her a lot and we both had each other to vent to with regards to our boss's demands and personality. Anyway, she finally decided to put her foot down and ask for a raise. This was around the time that she had made a major mistake and we had a lot of backtracking to do to fix it. I didn't cover for her that time and he said no so she left in a huff. I figured she resented the fact that I did not cover for her this time. For her when it counted. But it was just something I could not do. That is what I thought happened. She was in another office in our building yesterday, looked right at me and then looked away. She's in real estate now and it wasn't appropriate for me to say anything at the moment so I just kept going. She could have smiled or nodded or even said hello but she didn't. I think I did smile at her so of course I felt awkward. Anyway I mentioned it to my boss and he claimed that at the time she had gone in and said it was either her or me. And that was why she left because he chose me. I don't believe him. That is not what I remember and he and I talked extensively about it at the time. I told him that and he said maybe it wasn't those words but that's what it was. This is what I can't stand about working here. How the truth can be twisted. The nature of the practice of law I suppose but it's very hard to reconcile speaking my truth to working here. I don't really care about this woman and whether she likes me or not. I'm just not used to being not liked and I wonder if she has the right facts or if they are twisted. I am comfortable with my behaviour during that time so I guess I have no business being involved in her truth. Needed to share it to get it out of myself. And now its over.

The Promises

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." pg 83

I don't think I'm all there YET. But for the most part I do see them coming to fruition in my life. And more importantly I am willing to continue to work for them. Sometimes I cannot believe I am on this journey. I feel detached from it. I had a conversation (in my head) with my aunt, telling her that I am an alcoholic, finding AA and finding a Higher Power. I want to tell her because we talk alot and it feels dishonest not to tell her. That is something that came out of my fifth step. For someone who could be considered "chatty Kathy" I have issues with communication. Kind of ironic. Poor communication or no communication has followed me all my life. Either on my part or the part of those closest to me. Which is really a form of dishonesty. And why do I hesitate the conversation... because I fear rejection. When I can have a conversation such as this and there are many other conversations I need to have, when I can speak MY truth and not hide behind others' I guess I will have accomplished Step 6.

I'm Still Here:)

I haven't been around basically because I unfortunately slipped down my staircase this weekend and bruised my tailbone so it was very painful to sit at my computer for any length particularly since I must at work. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with y'all through the weekend. I am fine and getting better as long as I remember my advil and use my heating pad. The good news is that the fall was not caused by the fact that I was drunk. I just simply slipped. I don't have carpet on my stairs so no padding. My charming husband said that perhaps we would have to move to single floor living as I must be getting too old to handle stairs. Give that man a kick in the arse for me will you? I can't quite lift my leg:)

Speaking of stairs, I did my fifth step yesterday with my sponser and I can testify to those of you who are struggling or new that the answer is in the steps. How and when you do them is individual or should I say, a collaboration between you, your sponser and God and of course what is outlined in the Big Book, but the point is, if you want to not only get sober, but stay sober and live a sober life, you must take the steps. And what you hear and what you read about them is true. I was able to have a deeper connection with my Higher Power when I took that hour once my sponser and I were through. I was exhausted but clear. And this morning and even last night, dare I say I felt happy? I've tried to be positive throughout my 8 months because I believe in the power of postive thinking but I don't think that happy was a part of the equation. I think it is possible now. I just feel very blessed. So I know I still have a long way to go but I like where I am today. Last night I went to a step meeting and they were on the fourth step. Having just done my fifth I read it with new meaning and clarity. It felt as though I had written it. I had read it before several times in different groups and it kind of filled me with anxiety....and I'm not sure I understood it. Last night not only understood it, I felt it.

I also had an experience with 12 stepping this week, though I didn't really know it at the time. She is a sick and suffering alcoholic who has been coming to meetings as long as I have but the most she has been able to string together is 37 days. She has been getting progressively worse the last few weeks. We talk on the phone and while she believes she is powerless, her life is unmanageable and in a higher power, she does not believe that she (because she is oh so special) can be restored to sanity. The other morning she came to the meeting drunk as she has for the last few times. She had decided she needed detox. Then she got sick as in blew chunks. She had downed a part of a bottle of Nyquil so that she could pull herself together to make the meeting. I took her from the meeting while she did so and another woman came to join me in talking to her. Thank God. I did not understand that what we were doing was 12 stepping and she was upset that this other woman joined us but I was grateful and she explained that we do not 12 step alone. I had no clue that's what I was doing, I was just reaching out. I won't go into detail about our conversation but it was brutal and painful. She cannot see her way out right now and is very resentful of our "what's good about today" group because of the gratitude expressed there. She is stuck in the bitter morass of self pity. We prayed with her. She got hugs but she took off instead of allowing us to drive her home. I had to really let go. That's hard. I called my sponser because I of course was ready to go beyond what she needs or is ready for at this point so my sponser helped me to make my boundry. She did get home safely. But hopefully she gets herself into detox. She may end up in jail as well as she is on probation and blew a positive on her drug test. But she has continued to come to meetings so that's something. So thanks for listening and please add her to your prayers. She needs it as does her little boy.

Pain is Nobody's Fault

I know, I know, I'm full of prayers lately...just seems to be where my head is at. This was a prayer that was part of the retreat I attended in January...it has clicked with me and I finally emailed the retreat director who sent me a copy today. I share with you.....

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to end war;
For we know that You have made the world in a way
That humans must find their own path to peace
Within themselves and with their neighbors.

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to end starvation;
For You have already given us the resources

With which to feed the entire world
If we would only use them wisely.

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to root out prejudice,
For You have already given us eyes
With which to see the good in all people
If we would only use them rightly.

We cannot merely pray to You, O God,

to end despair,
For You have already given us the power
To clear away slums and to give hope
If we would only use our power justly.

We cannot merely pray to you, O God,

to end disease,

For You have already given us the great minds with which
To search out cures and healing,
If we would use them constructively.

Therefore we pray to You instead, O God, For strength, determination, and your will,
To do instead of just to pray,
To become instead of merely to wish.

Happy Valentine's Day

FLORAL DELIVERY TO YOU............ I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here

than a whole truck load when I'm gone ..

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But Only God Keeps You Going!

More from Mother Teresa

Always be faithful in little things, for in them our strength lies. To God nothing is little. He cannot make anything small; they are infinite. Practice fidelity in the least things, not for their own sake, but for the sake of the great thing that is the will of God, and which I respect greatly.

Do not pursue spectacular deeds. We must deliberately renounce all desires to see the fruit of our labor, doing all we can as best we can, leaving the rest in the hands of God. What matters is the gift of your self, the degree of love that you put into each one of your actions.

Do not allow yourselves to be disheartened by any failure as long as you have done your best. Neither glory in your success, but refer all to God in deepest thankfulness.

If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. The Lord has willed me here where I am. He will offer a solution."

Top Ten Signs You May Be in Recovery

10) You drink more coffee per day than Starbucks in one week.

9) Emails to your friends have "HALT" as the subject header.

8) You and your buddies get thrown out of expesso bars and teahouses for being "too rowdy."

7) For parties with your friends, you but a couple cases of Mountain Dew and Pepsi-Cola.

6) Dining out, you wonder how someone at the next table can drink half a glass of wine and leave the rest.

5) There is at least one magnet on your refrigerator, plaque on your wall, or bumper-sticker on you car with an inspirational message printed on it.

4) You don't know the last names of most of your best friends.

3) If you need advice on money, you ask the guy in your meeting who used to be bankrupt.

2) When you empty your purse or pockets you find at least one of the following: an anniversary chip, scrapes of paper with phone numbers on people you met in meetings, pocket-sized Big Book, wallet-sized Preamble.

And the number one sign you may be in recovery:

1) No matter how bad a day you had, if you go to bed sober, you consider yourself a winner.