Roundup

And no, not that kind of roundup as my husband liked to make fun of. Happy Rodeo he said as I left yesterday morning. He just loves to find new names for my AA stuff. But geeze, what an experience and I am so grateful I attended. First of all the drive to and from really allowed me to get to know M., my new AA friend. Pretty cool. We got there early of course. I am always early because I get anxious about what I don't know. They had coffee and danish which was great because I didn't have breakfast. The speaker was tough to hear as their sound system, not so good. But the 50% I heard was inspiring. Then there were the workshops.

The Family Afterward. Helped me to understand and share about how for me the hardest part is letting go where my children are concerned. Understand that my drinking has affected them and it may take years to find out how. Understand that I can only do something about that today. By being a power of example. Hear other women's experiences which I could very much identify with.

Overcoming Guilt. Perfect followup to the family afterward. One woman shared how she had asked her son to share what it had been like for him when she was drinking. She was devastated but then he reached over and told her how much he loved her sober (she had 5 years or so). Crying moment. I feel like my past guilt is my easy guilt. I"ve got guilt right now that I struggle with over not wanting to share my life with my mother. I am her caregiver but really I am her keeper. My guilt comes from the fact that I am not a loving daughter though people assume I am. All I take care of is her finances and her meds. I am not grateful that she lives near me in assisted living. I have a book entitled How to Take Care of Parents who didn't take care of You. That is how I feel. I do not want her in my life and I am not grateful that she is. I do not embrace her. I find it difficult to respond to the workers in the facility and to my other friends with aging parents who do not understand. My mother is aging but she's only 67. She is living with 80 & 90 year olds. I shouldn't be doing this yet. She fucked up her life and in turn has fucked up mine. Obviously, I have work to do here. We also talked about cringe moments. Mainly dealing with how as drunks, we do things that are often against our morals. I've got lots of those too. Loved the woman who brought that up. She was laugh out loud funny and I appreciate being given the opportunity to laugh at myself while cringing at the same time. And also we talked about learning how to avoid the guilt ball. That's dodging that ball that people throw at you so that it doesn't stick. My husband loves to do that. He is full of shoulds. For me.

Then we had lunch. Lovely sandwiches and I connected with C. from the morning meeting. She's just so sweet. I can feel the Grace of God when I speak with her though as a Native American she calls Him the Creator. I hope I get an opportunity to know her better. She couldn't stay. I have her number now though so I'll check in. From what she has shared at meetings and what M. told me (she knew C. and her son when they were active) she has had a rough life and I know she has had a tough time with life on lifes terms in sobriety.

Living Sober and Annonymity. This was interesting because I am trying to be an open book. Having hidden this from myself and others I just want it all out on the table. I have been most gracefully cautioned about being careful about how much I share here on my blog, in the rooms, choosing a Step 5 person, etc. I am sharing my alcoholism with my immediate family and my closest friends. Will I share and do I want the community at large to know? No. There are too many judgemental people that can affect my children's lives out there. Do I want my boss to know? Nope, same reason. But one woman shared that she also doesn't share her alcoholism with those in the substance abuse program she works in. She doesn't think recovery is a prerequisite for assisting others with their recovery. Maybe not but it seems to me she is doing a great disservice to her clients. I shared that I did share mine with my friends for 2 reasons, one because they love me and care about me and I want them to know what is going on in my life. But also because some of them may have their own issues and I hope that by example if they choose to get help they know where to go. I know it is attraction not promotion but how can I attract if they don't even know I'm it. I also feel it goes without saying that "who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here". Heard some tales of annonymity exposed, so it is something to definately be concerned, cautious and protected.

You're as Sick as your Secrets, (Honesty). This was probably the most powerful of all the workshops. Some stuff was shared that was very intense. And it was very clear that to withhold that stuff or to deny can cause serious harm such as relapse to say the least. I won't go into detail but suffice it to say, tissues were needed by all from 20 years sobriety to 2 weeeks sobriety. Some spoke in detail some spoke in generality but everything was from the heart. The differences between us were huge but I felt so close to these women who I will probably never see again. M and I were the only women from our area at the roundup besides C who didn't stay. I would have liked that particular workshop to turn into a meeting every week.

Finally we all grouped back together where our final speaker was one of those salt of earth oldtimers with 30 or 40 years of sobriety. Lots of good words of common sense and wisdom. And a raffle at the end and I was given the book Living Sober. I have one but I can't find it. I tucked it away a long time ago when I gave up my solo, self willed attempts at sobreity. There were more workshops than I could attend but that's okay it only gives me incentive to attend next year. I feel as though I was given strength to complete my fourth and fifth step....finally. I feel like I've been holding onto it. But having the opportunity to talk about honest, guilt, family and to hear what others had to say really rejuvenated me and I think will now allow me to move forward. I have a renewed sense of purpose.

Then today I did the Breast Cancer walk with 2 of my girlfriends. It was awesome. 6 miles on a gorgeous fall day in Boston. We did a lot of talking about my alcoholism. They had a lot of questions, concerns about other friends and we did a lot of sharing of our lives. They are good supportive friends and I don't think I truly realized it until today. So grateful. Walked past my daughter's dorm and she graced us with her presence. It was marvelous to give her a hug (actually 4) and we got to use a real bathroom instead of a jiffy or whatever they call those outhouses.

Anyway just ready for bed and giving Thanks. It was a fulfilling weekend.

Need I Say More?

We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

pg. 67 Alcoholics Anonymous

Thank God It's Friday

Been a long week. I woke up with a lot of stuff swirling around in my head instead of gratitude. Don't like that. Keep trying to shake it which is hard to do at the office.

So I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Spending all day Saturday at a Roundup. I have no idea what that is but me and another newcomer are going together. We figured the blind leading the blind:) I just found out that the woman who got me to come back to the morning meeting and who lights it up every day with her beaming smile is also going, though she can't stay for the day. That makes me happy to no end. Then on Sunday, I'm doing the Breast Cancer Walk at the esplanade in Boston with my girlfriends. Unfortunately, it means I will miss the Big Book meeting but I spoke with the Chairman of that meeting and he understands. He said that is what we get sober for. To do good things and participate in life. Yup.

But before the weekend I have to stay in this day and this day is full of Bad Stuff:

My husband and our lack of intimacy both emotionally and physically.

My brother and his distance both physically and emotionally. Actually, both of my brothers but one more than the other.

My mother and my guilt for not wanting to see her.

My son and his normal adolescent surliness

My boss and his manic, distracted tendencies

My good friend and her self absorption

I know, fourth step stuff. I'm working on it! And in spite of it all, I am grateful for:

My husband who can make me laugh

My niece and nephews

That my mom is alive

That my son is healthy

That I have an interesting job

That my friend is cleaning my house right now

Have a great weekend y'all!

I'm losing my Mind

Just when I think it is safe... The other night, after the meeting I called my sponser on the way home. As I pulled into the driveway I began to gather my things as we were talking to go inside. Got my reading glasses, my keys but something was missing. Oh yeah, my cell phone. So I'm feeling all over the passenger seat for it, not there. Shit, it must have fallen on the floor. Nope. Not there. Check the drivers side floor. Nope. Between the seats? No. All right, it has to be here. Check everything again. Turn on the lights in the car and check again. Oh yeah, my pockets. Pat, pat. Nothing. Well, stop for a minute and listen. Oh, yes, my husband is a wonderful man. This is what I am hearing from my sponser. Okay, well just go inside its here somewhere and it'll turn up. You're just distracted. But, Bill will give me such a hard time if I tell him I lost it...because he's so wonderful. Maybe I left it at the meeting. Picture empty room. I don't think so. But I did put all my stuff down to lock the door. Maybe I left it on the doorstoop. This is what happens when you don't bring your pocketbook, stupid. I could get it in the morning if it doesn't turn up. No, not a good idea. I better go back and check. Start the car, back out of the driveway. CAREFUL, YOU'RE ON THE PHONE! YOU IDIOT! Laugh out loud moment, I know, but I could not believe it. And it freaked me out a little. I'm always looking for stuff. That's normal. But I could literally feel the blank spot in my mind. Total blank. Maybe it reminded me a little too much about how I felt after a blackout.

I did all this while talking on MY CELL PHONE. Racing thoughts, searching, while all the time having a "conversation" on the phone. Clearly I was not present. Part of it had to do with the conversation. We were talking a bit about my husband and some stuff that had happened. This woman is a recent widow and I don't think I should share with her my concerns or negative feelings about my marriage. She is clearly missing her husband and wants for me what she had. My grandmother told me what a lucky girl I was because she saw my husband give my baby a bath. That's a whole other story. My husband is a good man but he is no saint. And we've got issues that are going to have to be dealt with but that has to wait until I have gotten a little further in my recovery. And I should be a bit more sensitive as to who I am sharing with.

Meanwhile, I think I need to practice staying in the moment, let alone the day!

Rainy Days and Mondays

It's raining really, really hard this morning. And I have the day off from work. It's Columbus Day here in America for those of you across the pond and downunder. The day we celebrate when our country was "discovered". Wonder how our Native Americans feel about this day? But that's a discussion for another blog. Today is the type of day that you don't want the alarm set and you just want to roll on over and sleep. That if you do wake up from your inner clock you can just burrow in deeper and let the sound of the rain lull you back to sleep. I love the rain.

But I've got my morning meeting to go to and I give someone a ride every morning. So to do that would require that I call her and tell her she's got to walk in the rain. That's not nice. Once I get to the meeting I will be grateful to be there and when I'm home I will be grateful to be awake because I have a ton of paperwork to do as it is bill week for us and my Mom. And.....it's supposed to rain all day so......NAPTIME!

Went to the football game yesterday. It was a lot of fun and our seats were great. Should be for what I paid. It was a birthday gift to my husband, (well birthday, anniversary and Christmas!) The woman next to me was double fisted the entire game, slugging beer after beer. And of course there were the usual drunken guys behind us. We got there late as well and walking throught the parking lot with the remnants of everyone's tailgate party was disgusting. Spilled food, overflowing trashcans with beer bottles, it just stank of stale beer, garbage and throwup. Then there were the poor souls who couldn't leave the party. Still tailgating and forfeiting their ticket to the game for the next drink.

Anyway, the only desire that came upon me was for a diet coke and fries! That felt good and it was fun. That and the fact that we won, Tom Brady is so cute and my husband and I did a victory chest bump!

Are you ready for some Football?

Going to see the Patriots today. Well my husband is. I'm going to see Tom Brady:) even if he is a dog!

ps: GO SOX!

Kept trying to post the youtube of Simon and Garfunkel singing Feeling Groovy with yesterday's post but it didn't work so please hum. I really hope this isn't the pink cloud I hear tell of.

Had an interesting morning today. After the meeting I really felt like going out to breakfast with my husband so we did and I got there ahead of him and a bunch of people were there from the meeting. I sat and chatted for a few minutes and then got a table for us. I knew that there was a good chance I'd need to introduce him and I knew he'd feel uncomfortable. He really wants nothing to do with this AA stuff. He's happy I'm sober and he wants me to stay that way so he tolerates it because I have told him that this is the only way that is working. He gets that much. But he makes little comments. When I got home from our nursing home commitment last night he asked me how the coven was. I know he's trying to be funny but underneath lies some fear, I'm sure of it.

Anyway, I told him there were people from the meeting and asked him if he wanted to meet them. He said no. But one of the men came over to say good bye. He is one of the first people I connected with at meetings and is a sweetheart. So I introduced them. I could tell my husband felt weird about it but he was sociable and polite. It felt a bit weird for me as well for my AA friends to see and meet my husband. Basically, my two worlds collided this morning. It made everything seem more real to me.

We talked afterwards. I suggested again that he come to a meeting just to see. Or check out Alanon. We'll see. I told him that we had things in our relationship to deal with and of course he said "what things". I said do you really want me to go there because I will. And of course he didn't want to and neither did I. We both are afraid of what will happen if we go any deeper than our day to day lives right now. I'm okay with keeping it like this for awhile. My sobriety is more important to me but I know for me to get well, it's going to come up.

But for today, I am grateful for the laundry, the bills, homemade chicken soup, helping him put up the fence (well, not really that but I did help:), dishes and all the day to day things that keep me in the day.