Boundries

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I had a great conversation with a friend last night. We are very different. She has clear boundries and her difficulties come in defending them. I have difficulties erecting them and then feel overstretched. violated or rejected. But I'm getting better....for instance...

When my brother and I were talking before his visit at Easter..he asked that I get his kids the candy for their Easter baskets. I said no, that's where I have to put up a boundry and I literally said boundry. He got it.

A newly sober guy from the meeting shared how he wanted to visit his son but was afraid if he took the train he wouldn't get there. I was ready to skip work for the day and offer to take him. I didn't.

Another guy has been given notice that he must leave the sober house he's in cause the landlord is going in a different direction. He has to move in with his active mother. I really would love to offer him my daughter's room while she's at school. I didn't.

Basically, concerning the last 2, I am getting much better at understanding that my presence at a meeting is enough....that it is not my responsibility to reach out to EVERY single struggling person I see and hear....I do what I can and leave the rest to prayer and that is good enough.

The good enough part probably comes from the punishment/beatings I received as a child...so I continue to feel that I don't deserve the good things yet continue to strive to be good, to avoid punishment now in the form of approval/disapproval.

My boundries do not have to be as clear and firm as my friend's but the understanding that I need them..and can gently erect them....is a huge step for me.

Not a Bad Day

I went to my morning meeting this morning to help celebrate a 6 month anniversary...and I'm glad she got me there. It was a great meeting. Really grateful to have started my day there.

Last night I was honored to be asked to give my friend her 4 year medallion. That's the one we got at Bill W.'s gravesite, if I didn't write about it let me know. I never imagined almost 2 years ago, when I thought my world was over, when I thought I was the biggest loser on earth, the weakest link, the grossest most disgusting woman, wife, mother...that I would find such a dear friend. She got me right from the very start and gave it right back. And although we are very different and from very different backgrounds she is probably one of my closest friends right now and I think I was finally able to tell her that last night when I presented her with the medallion.

I am trying very hard to come at my mother with loving kindness and tolerance but it is very difficult. I left her place yesterday with such anxiety...it made me want a cigarette, which I haven't had since March 3rd, that made me think of a drink because I knew that that's what the cigarette was substituting for. So I just concentrated on my breath for the ride home and prayed to get through it. Had something to eat cause I had skipped lunch, did a centering prayer sit and then went to the coffee shop to continue to write my fourth step. It helped...but I was really grateful when another alcoholic showed up....drunk....not that I was grateful she was drunk...but I was grateful to be given the opportunity to get her to the meeting. I had stayed sober and now I had an opportunity to help another alcoholic achieve sobriety. That's what its all about.

My mother...well, suffice it to say that I am going to have to upset her...which I've been trying not to do..but her compulsive buying and hoarding is now resulting in collection notices and frankly she's running out of space in her apartment. But here's an idea! She lives in an assisted living facility and we pay a lot of money for that. How about I ask someone there for help? Someone with experience in these matters. Now where did I learn that??

My Baby's no Baby

My 18 year old is 6'3" tall and I am about to send him off with three of his buddies for a road trip to Montreal. We know why they are going to Montreal don't we? But its Spring Break..everyone is doing SOMETHING and they have come up with this brainstorm. I am trying not to be full of fear and my first reaction to this was ABSOLUTELY NOT! After all, I went to Ft. Lauderdale my senior year and I know what that was about. I always said I was not going to be as stupid as my parents.


But ultimately, he's a man now. He's about to go off to college. He's 18. He can serve our country if he chooses. So I suppose I can let go and trust his judgement. I can warn him that he has a lot to lose, to be smart, to be safe and trust God. That's for me....he's not quite there yet. He has promised to check in frequently...understands that my concerns have nothing to do with trust and everything to do with fear. He can tolerate that. I told him last night that I missed the boy who used to nap in the crook of my knee. That would be an interesting picture now.


I guess I'm beginning the feelings of empty nest syndrome...I just need to look up because if there is an empty nest there are birds soaring......and that's a beautiful thing.

Heard at a Meeting

"Alcohol is not my problem just like 500 foot cliffs are not my problem. They become my problem when I jump off of them and alcohol becomes my problem when I take the first drink."

I love that!

London Calling

So its done...wrote the deposit check last night...my husband and I are going to Ireland and London in October. October 21-26 to be exact. Ironically it is billed as an Ireland Pub Tour. My friend's partner, she's AA, he's not, goes on this every other year and this year his roommate dropped out and C decided she wanted to go...but was anxious about the pub factor. I suggested to her that while everyone was in pubs, she could be shopping, visiting churches, checking out AA meetings, etc. then in the converstation said I'd love to do something like that...and my husband could do the pubs with her partner....now its a date. I have no idea how we'll pay for it, but I figure if I'm throwing 10's of thousands at colleges (my son begins in Sept, my daugher will be a junior) then I can throw a couple my way. At this point its all monopoly money now. Actually the trip is very reasonable..no more than I've spent on a summer rental...which we will do without this year.

We start in Cork City, Ireland. Do some siteseeing there and our trip happens to be at the same time as the Cork City Jazz Festival so we'll get to enjoy that for anight. Irish and Jazz, who'd a thunk it? Then we go London...hear that you Brits out there?!....the trip culminates is seeing our beloved New England Patriots play American football in Wembley stadium but we'll have a few days to tour as well. The trip is only 2 days Ireland and 3 London and I'm not going to plan at all because its a motor coach trip so things will be planned out..there will be 30 of us...and it will be a nice introduction and there is free time so I hope maybe to get some AA in and I do believe I have some guides for that!!

My husband is full of fear. He does not like to fly and he does not like being out of control. This trip requires flying and it is already planned. We're just another bozo on the bus. We had a huge fight yesterday morning, not about the trip though I think the fear surrounding it probably caused it. We were supposed to be taking a pleasant walk...and instead he's was very concerned with whether I was keeping in step with him....I was going to fast, I was going to slow, I wasn't talking enough, it was extremely hard to deal with. He likes to "reprimand" me on the street too....real nice. I won't be walking with him again anytime soon. I did end of saying to him that if he didn't get help, in perhaps the form of Al Anon we were not going to make it. Of course this was through tears....but maybe he'll get the message. We let it go to get togehter with these friends last night to discuss the trip and his fear was a topic of discussion. My friend promised to comfort him so that made him feel better. I suggested therapy....and maybe the fear of flying with be the just the push to get my husband through the door to ask for help. He seemed more receptive..without it..I'm not sure where we are going. I stopped seeing my therapist because as she put it, our sessions always end if only B would do couples therapy....so..there seemed no point in my continuing alone.

Anyway..that's where we're going....

Where I've Been

I went on a retreat here at the Garrison Institute at the end of March. It was a silent retreat...I only went for the weekend which was the tail end of a 10 silent retreat for others. It was a beautiful location, restored monastary on the Hudson River. The food was outrageously good, the accomdations pleasant, even a hot tub in the communal bathroom. Thomas Keating was the speaker for the weekend..so it was wonderful to get deeper insight into the practice of Centering Prayer from the spiritual leader of the practive. This was not an AA retreat at all but I'll tell you, Thomas Keating quoted Bill W. so how's that for inspriration! Since Garrison, NY is about 4 1/2 hours from my home I ordered the CD The Comtemplative Dimension of the 12 Steps for the ride and had my own little mini retreat on the way to/from which helped to segue me into the monastary and then home. It was really a wonderful experience and one I hope to replicate. Last year I went on a silent retreat with a few friends. I must say that going alone was a completely different experience. Complete solitude, no shared glances or knowing smiles. The schedule was something like this:

wake up
30 minute sit...stretch....30 minute sit
breakfast
session with Father Keating
30 minute sit...stretch...30 minute sit
lunch
1 1/2 hour of solitude..to walk around, read, nap, whatever
30 minute sit...stretch....30 minute sit
session nwith Father Keating
30 minute sit...stretch....30 minute sit
dinner
session with Father Keating
bed

I might have an extra sit in there...I can't remember now but it was intense. I am so grateful to have had the experience. The first night (Friday) I was so exhausted....got there at 3ish and had about 2 hours before a scheduled sit before dinner. Walked the grounds and found a great spot on the Hudson to read and enjoy the sun. Spring had come earlier there..so it was warm...I slept with my window open the whole time...and you could smell flowers. Then the sit, then dinner, then a session with the retreat leader (Thomas Keating had not arrived yet). To go into the mediation hall where they held the sits and sessions you had to take off your shoes. I was wearing my easy to slip on and off puma sneakers. As I left to go to bed I grabbed them from the shelf and went up to my room without putting them back on. Decided to soak the drive off in the hottub for awhile and took a shower to avoid the morning rush....when I opened the door to my room I saw a pair of black converses by the door and thought I had the wrong room. Looked around saw my stuff and realized I had grabbed the wrong shoes. So I tiptoed downstairs, it was about 11 pm now, and found mine and returned the converses. The next day..just before the morning session...announcements....someone took the wrong pair of shoes...the converse owners raised his hand and said they had been returned. I couldn't speak to him but later I approached him...pointed to his shoes and gave him a namaste bow. How embarassing but then again, it made me smile and I like to smile.

The other kind of funny thing though annoying at the time was the guy who was sitting next to me. You can see me against the wall on the left in the first choir chair. I look kind of slumped and I had a green blanket over me. Well, the guy on the floor decided to lay down to do his meditation. They suggest that you keep your back straight...and NOT lay down..because why? Take a wild guess..you induce sleep and that he did. AND he snored, continously until he'd wake himself up. The first sit...I let it go...second sit....its a good discipline of returning to my sacred word.....third sit...I moved my seat. I thought to speak to him at the end of the retreat, gently suggest he sit upright for meditation. Maybe he didn't know he was sleeping. How would you know? But I didn't. A good lesson for me.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience but I must say I have not kept up my practice....and that is what I am working on now. And I am also working on not beating myself up about not keeping up my practice. I am here...and I am in consious contact every day....that is good enough. xo

Still Sober

Thanks, I needed that! Not sure why I needed a break but I did. Actually, in really looking at me, myself and I these last weeks, I think I realized that it was more of my meeting schedule that needed shaking up and not my writing schedule. Truth be told, I did not work a stitch on my fourth step. And leaving the blogging behind did not help me in that area. I thought maybe I had just lost my momentum, that because my ass wasn't on fire I was allowing my "busy" schedule to take over. This past weekend dealing with my Mom over Easter, reading the fourth step at my step meeting and talking to my sponser helped me to realize that really it was that I didn't want to deal with the feelings surrounding my mother. Yes I did my fourth step over a year ago and yes my mother was on it, but it was thorough and honest to the best of my ability at 4 months sober...I think I'm a little more insightful about my feelings now. So really it comes down to that four letter word FEAR. So yes, I need to write about this stuff, work it out. That is what's best for me.

What isn't best for me is sitting in a daily meeting at 7 am, just because that is what I have done for the last almost 2 years. I have been tired..meaning not getting enough sleep, in my case it provides too many opportunities to do 12th step work and it messes with my morning meditation time. One of my defects is the compulsion to help everybody...feel your pain......and I carry it with me. So at the morning meeting there is plenty of opportunity. The room is full of different levels of sobriety...newcomers, eager or kickin' and screaming, oldtimers, real and crusty, two steppers ( 1 & 12), three steppers (1, 2 & 3), chronic relapsers, and then, thank you God, the good old fashioned solution sharers, carrying the message. I try to be the last. But it is not always appreciated, that's okay I can take it but I need to be more discerning about who I bring it to and who I listen to. Anyway, daily? It was necessary for me in the beginning..I needed the consistancy...the family. But I don't think so anymore. And we'll give this schedule shake up a try and see if it doesn't help. I chair on Mondays so of course I'll go then...and then fill in when I can't make one of my evening meetings. That sounds like a plan.

And then of course, as my sponser has suggested, I will continue to pray on these bumps along the road. The bumps that cause me to feel unsettled, discontent, not really irritable, just edgy. These things are opportunities for growth, spiritual growth. I need to listen, make the necessary adjustments and continue along the path that leads to the road of Happy Destiny.

I know this blog, and your blogs, after a 3 week hiatus, were NOT something I could leave behind, not that I was planning to. For me, meditation, writing and service are necessary to staying sober.