Eight Months

THANK YOU GOD

Don't Drink, Ask for Help, Go to Meetings

It's not just that is it? I mean, its a start and I understand for many people that is all they can do for awhile. And as my sponser tells me if you stayed sober today you're doing good. But its the program of Alcoholics Annonymous that gets you to sobriety and a sober life. I talked to my sponser about that because I have been struggling with this for awhile. I had to do more than that to stay sober so far....being Secretary of a meeting, going on committments, working the steps with a sponser, reading the Big Book, 12 x12 & Came to Believe, Joe and Charlie, connection with my Higher Power through prayer, reaching out to other alcoholics, LISTENING, journaling (well, blogging), and more. I'm a work in progress but I have had to do all of these things to some extent to stay sober. I don't think if I were just doing half measures I'd be sober. And isn't the three things above just half of the program. You find the program through them but you do have to find it and then work it. There has been some people in my meetings who are relapsing or struggling. They don't understand why because they are not drinking, asking for help, and going to meetings. Do they have a sponser? No. Are they working the steps? No. Are they of service? No. Have they prayed? Maybe.

I'm trying to watch my ego here and I'm trying to stay open minded but its tough sometimes when you just want to shake someone and say, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.

Inner Child

I haven't changed a bit! Do I look defiant? I know the phrase "inner child" is on the BS Bingo I posted a while back but amazingly enough it came up in therapy last week. So you can all stand up and yell bullshit!! I forget how the subject came up but I talked about how I don't really have any warm fuzzy family memories of my childhood. I mean, I remember playing with my brothers, or fighting with them. I can remember some stuff with my friends, but I really don't remember my parents much. They were there but I don't remember any feelings. I have very few memories of doing anything with them. A few, yes, but very few. You know, like when people talk about how their Mom made them special cookies, or their Dad took them to a ball game. There is none of that. When I got past 3rd grade I remember being embarrased because they weren't like other parents and that intensified in junior and high school. How they were different I could never articulate and I still can't. And as an adult I just thought and still do to some extent that it wasn't important or that it was normal not to remember your childhood. What memories I do have are the negative ones or what I was told happened or are in pictures like this one.

I just recently began to remember getting spanked with my Dad's belt. Probably beaten is more like it though I did not grow up feeling abused. It was our way of life. It's just looking back on it that I realize it might have been. When we were bad my Dad would put his hand on his belt buckle to try to keep us in line. And if we weren't we were beaten with the belt. Over the bed, sometimes bare butt. It happened alot. My mom rarely spanked but one time she tried to hit me with the belt too and she used the wrong end so I got hit with the buckle. I remember spending a lot of time in my room, not by choice but because I was punished. I didn't talk about any of this with my therapist, yet. It just came back to me since our last meeting. We talked about how yes, my basic needs were met but not my emotional needs and perhaps that explains why I was so willing to settle for less or felt less than most of my life. Anyway I thought I should try to process some of this stuff so here I am writing.

And then this morning, I felt compelled to attend the 9:30 meeting down the street. I usually just go to my 7 am morning meeting on Saturdays. But basically, I was avoiding doing my bills and housework (as I still am and have been for weeks:) and decided to check out this meeting that a few of my AA friends attend. It was a big meeting and I identified with the speaker as usual. As we got close to the end and people were sharing, the subject of parents waiting up for people began to come up in how our drinking affected other people. I began to feel weepy and realized that my parents NEVER waited up for me. I always snuck in and never got caught. Whether they were really sleeping I don't know but they certainly never confronted me. They were just never there for me. It makes me feel very alone. I am not saying they didn't love me, I am sure that they did, I know my Dad did. I don't know. It just is. I also remember stealing money from them when I was in high school. Lots of it. I'd use it to buy drugs and alcohol. Never a word said. Never caught. Yet I'd get grounded for eating my brother's Ho Ho's (from a munchie run) or wearing my mother's knee his. At least that's how I remember it. I think I know why I needed to go to that meeting this morning. More was revealed and apparently I needed a little God nudge.

I am so grateful for this program of AA. It is helping me to peel the onion as they say. The steps are helping me to stay sober and to learn to live a sober life. The present and the future. I am using therapy to help me understand why this happened to me and how, the past. I firmly believe that I have a disease that is organic in nature but I also believe that outside influences fed that disease. For me, therapy helps to to identify the source of my defects and will hopefully allow me to give them up just a bit more freely. My sponser and I finally scheduled my fifth step which I am looking foward to doing in a scary, anticipatory way. Like when you're waiting in line to ride the roller coaster.

Oh yeah and I have a new sacred word to use in my centering prayer. I started with Deep Peace but that wasn't quite doing it for me. I moved to Be Still because I begin with the prayer Be Still and Know That I Am. But I am now going to use GOMU. God of My Understanding. I like it.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Michael over at Continuing Adventures of a Jedi Mastr. Anyway here are the rules:• Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages• Open the book to page 123• Find the 5th sentence• Post the next 3 sentences• Tag 5 more people . So, I'm sorry folks but I am at work. The closest book is the New Massachusetts Business Corporation Act:

Any shareholder's total liability for all claims under this section on account of distributions in liquidation may not exceed the total amount of assets distributed to the shareholder in liquidation.

A proceeding by or on behalf of the corporation under this section is barred unless it is commenced by: (1) in the case of a distribution not in liquidation, 2 years after the date on which the efffect o the challenged distribution was measured under subsection (e) or (g) of section 6.40; (2) in the case of a distribution in liquidation by a corporation in dissolution under PART 14, the later of the time specified in the preceding clause (1) and 6 months after the end of the two-year period referred to in subsection (d); or (3) in the case of distribution in liquidation by a corporation not in dissolution, as described in the second clause in the last sentence of subsection (h) of section 6.40, three years after the date on which the effect of the challenged distribution was measured under subsection (e) or (g) of section 6.40.


A proceeding under subsection (b) against a director of contribution or against a shareholder for reimbursement is barred unless it is commenced by the later fo (1) two years after the date on which the effect of the challenged distribuito was measured under subsection (e) or (g) fo section 6.40, and (2) 6 months after payment to the corporation on account of liability under subsection (a) of this section by the party seeking contribution or reimbursement.

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I DRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who to tag: How about Pammy, Judith, Scout, MC, and Syd

Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video

You know, I began to have hope when I could see how alcoholics annonymous was working in the lives of other people. And then I began to see it working in my life. Through AA I have been able to find a God of my understanding and I am now able to live a new and sober life. I am starting to feel this way about our country. So maybe its not kosher to be political here but its who I am and I have hope. I love having hope.

GO PATS!!

Today is the Super Bowl. We are getting together with another couple as we do every year to watch. This year is special because our team is in it. They have not only the opportunity to win the game but to go undefeated as well. It shall be fun. This used to be a big drinking occasion for me. When we'd get to their house my friend's husband would usually have some special drink to start with, a margarita, martini or some other concotion. Of course I would have started earlier at home. I always had to be lit before I even got somewhere. Once we finished with the "special" drinks, I would move to wine and he would move to beer. Although I think I enjoyed shots of tequila last year. We were the drinkers. Needless to say I always ended up wasted. Curled up on the couch. Dozing (passing out) during the game. My husband and my best friend do not really drink. So this year my friends husband will be all alone in his revelry. My husband will have a few beers but that'll be it. Anyway, we've got great food planned. I'm bringing marinated steak tips, ceaser salad and brownies. They are going to have wings, ribs, and other football eating food along with the rest of the fixins for brownie sundaes. I'll be armed with my diet coke and tea. Lets' all say a prayer for the New England Patriots.

And even if you don't like football or the Patriots there is a reason to watch girls, well and some boys:)! You may catch a glimpse of my beloved Tom Brady!! He's worth the price of admission alone. I used to think he was a dog because he got his girlfriend pregnant and didn't go back to her. But I decided that she finagled the whole thing and he is doing the honorable thing. I like it better that way. My brother has actually met him as he is an editor for a famous sports magazine. He says he's a nice, humble guy and I like that.


Anyway, thanks for the great advice about my "resentment". I talked to my sponser about it yesterday. She said to pray for her. Ask God to bless and love her and then I will be able to let it go. She also felt that it would be okay to leave the group and that wouldn't be a sign that I was harboring the resentment. The group has gone in a different direction anyway, so I will use that as an excuse but I may tell one person what happened so that should the group get together without this person I can still pop in to see everyone. Just wouldn't be comfortable otherwise.


Have a great Sunday everyone.

GO PATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Resentment

Okay, tell me what I should be doing. The other night I was told of this amazing opportunity to become a "greeter". We have a local air force base that is often a refueling stop for troops arriving home or leaving. As a greeter, we welcome them or send them off. Let them know they have our support and love. Since it is a refueling stop their families are not there. Anyway, an aquaintance of mine, can't quite call her friend, told me about this and I agreed to go. Great opportunity to support our troops. I was to meet at her house at 6:50. We needed to arrive at the base by 7:40. It takes about a half hour. I was 10 minutes late. Rang her bell no answer. I did not have her phone number so called another friend and called her cell. No answer. I tried for about 15 minutes worried that she could have overslept on her nap, she has been ill and said she was taking a nap prior. When I arrived home I had a message from her that she just couldn't wait. She was worried about adhering to military time. By that time it was definately too late for me to head up by myself. Unfortunately she did not have my cell so perhaps we could have avoided the miscommunication. Anyway, since she wasn't answering her cell, I sent her an email apologizing for being late, we apparently missed each other by 5 minutes.

When she returned she replied to my email, just saying she'd know better next time, that time had not been such an issue as she thought and she had her times wrong. Never really apologized to me for the inconvenience. We saw each other again at our book group last night and she shared with the group what the experience had been like. She had invited all of us but I was the only one who had accepted. I shared why I had not participated, that I had been late, that she had not waited, that I had been worried that she was ill. I don't feel she properly acknowledged or apologized. In fact I feel slighted. In fact, I'm kind of pissed. 5 f*cking minutes??? I do take responsibility. But I guess I feel like she didn't. I just think it was extremely rude. Then she said it was a great marketing moment. (She's a salesperson). I thought that sucked and defeated the purpose. I really perhaps just have a problem with this woman.

Anyway, I'm over it. At least she shared the web address of the group and I will arrange my own expedition with my other book group. Perhaps I am just not close enough to these women to share this experience. My other girlfriends would appreciate it more and I believe be more sincere in their efforts. And definately would not leave me in the dust if I was a few minutes late. Okay, I feel much better now. Thanks.